I know I was incredibly nervous, but I'm secretly disappointed it's had to be cancelled. I wanted to finish what I started (though, admittedly, messed up along the way). Wanted to prove I could do it.
I'm genuinely sorry I've been such a shitty person towards you. I really don't mean to be. I don't know what it is about you that brings out the worst in me but I've been really two-faced and down right cruel. I'm sorry.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of being the one to make an effort
Funnily enough i'm ill too so i wish you'd think before you say/text something to me and maybe just once you could be the one to ask me
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
Genuinely hating being alive right now and do not want to be around anymore. You are keeping me here because I love you, because I cannot leave you and because you are the one thing that consistently brings me joy. You are the closest thing to meaning my life has. That aside, I want to die.
These past few days are really starting to get annoying, please please quieten down, if you lived in a house in the middle of nowhere then you can be as loud as you like! But you don't, you live in a block of flats, and I'm sick of living below you.
If u want the Rainbow,u gotta put up with the Rain
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
I am currently:
I am trying to become a better person. I read somewhere that the only way to stop searching in vain for the qualities you want someone to bring to your life is to take up those qualities yourself. Which spoke to me a lot. I'll never know why, whether its because I've never had the Mother I would of liked, whether I'm just a needy and unsecure person, if its related to my sexuality, but for as long as I can remember I've gotten unhealthily attached to women older than me who are strong, independant, intelligent, compassionate, funny, caring, successful, usually attractive, usually professional women who show me any kind of care. Teachers, health professionals, other peoples Mum's, maybe its been twisted in to one or two of my relationships with older women, counsellors, even fictional tv characters. Then when life naturally moves on I get hurt, and invariably its not long until I come accross someone else to fill that void. Although some fill it better than others. But its an endless cycle. So I can see the logic, maybe I need to offer myself those qualities which I long for in relationships with others. And I am trying. But its so hard. I try to be compassionate and patient. But Im still filled with so much anger. Im so god damn angry at all the people who have hurt me and my family, and the people who continue to do so. If anyone tries to take the slightest advantage of me in any way I react with anger...because others have taken so much from me I refuse to allow anybody to take anything from me ever again. But thats not going to get me anywhere. I know that my struggling with being so angry doesnt generally hurt the people Im angry at, it just hurts me. But its the one thing I still do not now how to change. I try to be more compassionate to myself, but thats hard when you live with someone who tells you youre the most awful person on the planet 24/7. Im trying to get somewhere with my education and then a profession in a few years down the road. Im going to either join the gym or join fitness classes in the new year.
It might work. Its the best suggestion Ive ever had. Maybe if I can be all those things to myself, I'll stop craving and needing these pseudo mother figures in my life. But then theres times when I think, is it really that much to ask, is it really so bad to want someone in my corner. Someone who believes in me. Someone whos pleased by my accomplishments, not someone like my own mother who always poisons any sort of achievement with pointing out all the mistakes and fuck ups I have made. Is it really that bad to want someone to call when life gets too hard and painful and scary who will tell me that its all gonna be okay in the end, and because theyre older and wiser than me I'll be able to believe them. Is that really so much to ask? Im unsure what I did, in this life or the last, to deserve being so alone that Im forced to try and provide everything I wish I could have with another person to myself. Its not a romantic notion in the slightest, thats not what I wish for, its different from that sort of relationship. I just want someone older and wiser who cares for me. I guess now Dads not here offering all those things as a father figure, its unsurprising that my craving for those sorts of qualities that Ive always had for a woman in my life is now doubled. Just wish there was someone in my life who wasnt a professional that could offer those things so I dont always have to feel so disgusting for getting so attached to people that after all, its only their job to care for me, or to pretend too.
'Where did I go wrong
My life's a bargain basement, all the good shits gone
I need to talk to you. You are the only person who 'gets' me. I'm really confused and I want your input. I want your opinion. I wish you were here, although you'd be freaked out to know that. I'm sorry. I think you're wonderful.
[REPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish!]
Do you even care whether I'm alive or not? Whatever you say it doesn't seem that you do and I'm sorry if this offends you but at the moment i'm just doing what i can to survive on my own
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
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