Contains abuse - i want to die

[wasting-my-time]

i honestly don't even know where to start with this post.
i feel beyond hopeless. my stomach is in knots.
my entire body is aching and it's taking everything i have not to cry.

almost two years ago, i finally got help for my mental health stuff.
i started taking some meds, seeing a therapist every week.
and somehow i feel like i've made no progress.

i've been with my boyfriend for eight years. the past few it's turned abusive.
i started dealing with it in therapy. or trying to at least.
it was hard to accept, that it was that serious.
i know i'm supposed to leave him, but how can i do that?
i don't know if i can. i don't know if i'll be okay if i do.
i feel so guilty. and sad. and he hasn't even touched me like that in such a long time. how can i leave now?
part of me wishes he'd just hit me again. at least it might be easier that way.
and that makes me a horrible person.

and then there's this eating disorder.
and i have him reminding me how fat i am
how i need to lose weight
how unattractive i am
and how am i supposed to not purge
i know hes right. i know i'm disgusting.


i'm too scared to change anything.
i know what i'm supposed to do.
but i'm too scared.

i want to die. i see suicide as my best option.
i can't see things ever changing.
i'm supposed to be starting grad school soon.
and i just want to drop out.
i don't think i can do it.
i'm a failure.
it will never change.
i need to die.


i don't know how to fix any of this.

[Sketchy]

This is all very distressing for you. Do you have someone to talk to, someone who can give you support?

You don't deserve to be treated like that.

Could you reach out for help? See a professional?

I wish I had more useful words. Take care.

[wasting-my-time]

i see a therapist. she says i need more support.
too scared to do that.