To be honest, I think the worst thing you can do right now is push your boyfriend and those who do care, and you can confide in, away from you. You need all the support you can get, and I know how hard it is to cope with knowing you're putting all your problems on someone else, and wanting to not do that, but I'm sure they would much rather have to listen than know you're suffering more in silence. It may also help to seek out some professional help, through your GP, as that would also take away some of the extra stress you have of feeling as if you're piling it all on your boyfriend. You'd have some specific to talk to, someone knowledgable in that field, to give you advice and targeted support. It's scary to begin with, it's as scary as hell to make the first steps, but you're more than entitled to it, and it would be worth it for yourself, but also those you care so much about like your boyfriend.
The other thing is that yes, you may want to feel happier, but you cannot force happiness in such a shallow way. The sun cannot instantly make you happy, neither can inspirational songs, and it's okay to feel down sometimes. I'm not saying sit there and feel awful all the time and do nothing about it, because that's just as unhelpful, but then forcing yourself to be happy when you feel you should be doesn't help either. Try and recognise your emotions, see if there are any patterns, triggers, and go from there.
There are so so so many distractions, so many other things - drawing on yourself in red pen, exercise, etc etc etc. But sometimes nothing can help except sorting out what's causing all this to begin with, and this is where perhaps some more professional help may help.
This all can get better, I'm proof of this - once very much in a similar place to you, now recovered and happy. It can happen, there are so many ways in which things can get better.
Take care, xx
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