I know you weren't meaning I was ungrateful. It's sort of strange to think that there likely aren't any 100% adult people who can do all the things, like everyone sees someone as 'more adult' than them in certain situations.
I'm getting drained by a friend who is in hospital texting me. I want to be there for her but sometimes I'm not in the right headspace and even when I tell her that she keeps bombarding me with stuff and getting onto me if I don't reply. I feel for her because I know that it's boring in hospital and sometimes all you do is stare at your phone waiting for someone to reply to you. I don't know how to get the balance right for her.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Been really anxious lately, especially at points when I'm outside. I'm not sure if it's maybe a second time out in one day anxiety or what. There isn't enough of a range of movements that can be done with the fidget cube and I'd rather do my hand and arm movements. I feel like putting my hood up, there are too many cars. I'm also getting more anxious about more 'complex' crossing the road too and feel like I might just stand there forever but I manage to move to get home as quickly as possible. I'm slightly worried about the crossing the road thing because I know that was a big thing when I was in hospital. It'll likely come to nothing though.
Another anxiety producing thing is a recovery conference thing I'm going to tomorrow because it's on for 5 hours which is so long and how do I fidget? I won't have anything to contribute either. I should have left my place for someone who would have opinions etc. There will be no escape if I feel overwhelmed. I am quite worried about the fidgeting thing, I can't use my fidget cube all the time because it hurts and it might annoy some people but when I take a break from it I often start rocking and doing wild hand movements and punching and tapping movements. It's hard enough getting through a half hour appointment. It's very uncomfortable to hold it in and I can end up dissociating or panicking if I hold it in. It is a meeting for people with MH problems and carers and professionals so it's not like they wouldn't understand but it'll be awkward and I am not going to make a fool of myself. Why did I say I would go? Idiot.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You're not an idiot. Very brave to say you will go. If you need to leave at any point, that's okay. Remember to tell yourself that. You're a good writer, are there any things you want to communicate that you could write about beforehand? If you don't feel able to say them, you could always hand them over after. You could also take a notepad and pen to jot down thoughts on what's being said, and it also gives you a 'prop for scribbling/ drawing on if things feel too much.
I'm totally with you on the car thing. I have the same issue and I think it's linked with dissociation/concentration difficulties and overstimulation. Takes a long time to cross roads, but is better to take your time and get across safely, that's okay too.
I managed alright at the event. There were more discussions than sitting listening to speakers and I didn't say anything really so people were focused on the people who were talking. There was room to fidget under the table but it was hard to get up when I needed to, even just to go to the toilet, because I was worried that the people who were talking at the table might think I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying.
I'm a total fake mentally ill person though. I went to the gym group today which I wasn't sure I'd be able to manage after the 5 hours at the event. Plus I'm supposed to be doing a few things that are coming up soon, stress control classes and stuff. I've also been ok with crossing the road most of the time. I'm self harming but failing to cause much damage despite the force/violence/? of the method I've been trying. I really want to cause myself some proper damage. This is not enough.
I'll be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday and my CPN on Thursday and I won't be able to explain the scary stuff that is happening right now like with the men and things because they'll say I'm functioning well so it can't be affecting me that much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Not hurting yourself doesn’t make you a fake. Nor does being able to cross the road, or going to gym group. Those things don’t negate the fact that you struggle and that things are difficult and painful right now. You still deserve compassion and care, from yourself and other people.
What is a fake mentally ill person? I think showing fluctuations and having bad days and better days (or parts of days, or functional and less functional behaviours) is very common in people with mental health issues. From an outside perspective, there's no doubt that you suffer from mental health issues which seriously affect your life.
I'm really sorry you feel you can't hurt yourself properly. Would it be helpful to talk more about what's making you feel as though you need to self- harm more? You're very welcome if so.
Thank you all very much. You are so lovely and I am lucky to have your support and input.
I know changes in symptoms and what can and can't be done are very much 'normal' with some MH conditions. I guess I'm just judgemental of myself. A lot of my worries come from people just seeing what is on the outside, right now that fact that I have survived a busy week, so they won't understand that I am still distressed. A previous CPN and other people have said to me when I have been functioning that I'm not struggling at all I'm just trying to make it out like I am. That hurts. I'm scared that my current CPN might become like that with me because I got on really well with my previous CPN for a long time and never thought she would turn on me. I suppose in a way it is true that people aren't too bothered if you are distressed as long as you're getting on with daily things.
I just really want to do myself some 'good' damage. There is a sort of rage inside myself, a rage directed at me and I want to hurt myself on the outside to reflect the hate I feel towards myself. I like damage, it's the main reason I self harm, so now that I only seem to be able to cause myself minimal damage it upsets and frustrates me. I don't want to leave it behind and I don't want to express things in another way. It's a big WANT. I'm not sure how else to explain it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This probably sounds really stupid but I have no idea what to say to the psychiatrist tomorrow, because he's a locum and it's the first time I'm meeting him. I don't remember my first ever psychiatry appointment and after that my community psychiatrists were often around more or I was in hospital so the reviews were mostly crisis focused. I don't know what I can/should ask him, I don't know what's important. Because I see my CPN regularly then it is her that I talk about most things with so, what is even right to tell a psychiatrist? I know they could do a med review but I think my CPN would say to him I don't need a med review. I feel like I will end up wasting his time and wasting my opportunity.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You could definitely ask him about meds. I know it's something that concerns you. Why would your CPN say that? Surely it's up to you whether to review meds or not.
It's okay to say that you feel like you would benefit from a med review. It's also okay to say that you don't know what to say - they get paid a lot, partly because they're meant to know how to facilitate that conversation with a patient.
You've mentioned previously that you really feel you might benefit from having your meds properly looked at so I do think it's worth bringing that up if you can, and if your CPN says no, maybe ask why that is and ask for alternative ways forward. It's alright if you go without a plan, equally, anything you want to talk about is relevant even if you talk about them a lot with your CPN, because it's getting a different perspective involved.
Thank you all. He just asked the usual questions about sleep and appetite and mood mostly. He asked what meds I was on, the most he said about my meds is that I'm on the highest dose of Fluoxetine so nothing can be done with that. He thinks I'm going to be cured by keeping myself busy etc, as if I haven't been doing that my whole life. I didn't get to say any important things really, but I'm seeing my CPN on Thursday so will try and write some things for that.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm glad you're seeing your CPN on Thursday. How are you feeling? There's a lot to be said for being engaged in the world and the positive impact that has on mental health and connectedness. It can be profound. What one needs to achieve that, though, is relatively good, consistent mental health and lots of support. It's a tricky one. Maybe you and your CPN might be able to come up with a plan to make that happen, if is what you wanted, which it certainly doesn't have to be. I'm rambling, I'm sorry if I'm saying anything unhelpful Lindsay, is cool to ignore those bits as it's different for everyone :)
Thanks. I'm not sure I've ever seen you say anything unhelpful! I'm trying to do what I can socially etc, it's hard to cope with most things but I'm doing some extra things with the people from the gym group now because I feel more comfortable around them than other people. A few of us are going to a stress control class tomorrow evening and I might try and go to the gym with them on the day where they go out with the group, but not yet I don't think.
As soon as I walked out of the appointment with the psych I wondered why I hadn't mentioned so many of the things that are going on right now. I think a lot of people now can't see my distress because it's been around for so long and I've never managed to kill myself. Things with the men for example, no one seems to understand their importance. Distress wise I still feel like I'm trapped and suicide is the only way out. There is always a huge emotional pain waiting to jump out at me and engulf me. Plus the whole past guilt and future worries. I am TERRIFIED that I might never get suicide right and will be stuck here, it seems like that's what is going to end up happening.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I went to the first stress control class yesterday evening and it was mega anxiety provoking. My previous psychologist was one of the people taking the class which was cool but I tried not to talk to him in case he thought I just wanted his attention. There was a lot of info about how stress can lead to anxiety and depression and I was thinking about how much a part of life stress is so if it's normal then lots of people feel bad and there is no escape. They mentioned feeling suicidal and that we should tell them at the end of the class if we felt suicidal. To be honest the class made me feel extra suicidal because of it being confirmed that life is scary and painful. It does seem like they might teach some good skills though, but I likely won't be able to practice them. Plus I don't want to while my brother is suffering.
I was trying to fidget quietly and was worried that I might be distressing or annoying other people. I had went with a couple of people from the gym group and felt like I was burdening them since I always hide stuff at the gym group but I couldn't hide my anxiety at the class. I felt like I was going to explode, I went for a very quick walk during the break. I'm scared to go back but I am planning to try at least. We might be doing some relaxation stuff and if we have to practice it in the class then it will be awful. I can't stay still. I'm really hoping that if the classes get too much at any point I will be brave enough to walk out for a short break rather than being embarrassed and sitting there until I crack up.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
