seriously dude???

<3br0ken_wings<3 · 11-09-2012, 11:24 PM

So was all the years of fighting for a a good life for myself gone? I've been in this hole so many times, but some how the hole just get bigger each time with more climbing to do that now I'm done trying to climb.. i'm tired i just want to curl upp in a ball and excape to a place of serenity. I thought that the days of selfharm were over till the other night when I didn't feel real and nothing in this world was either. Like someone was playing a game with me..like I am actually living the trumen show. A place where its so unreal to feel anything. A big show or something. Everyone is just a cardboard cut out and have no feelings and can be push over and not get hurt. I'm the only real thing. So in order to feel real my head is telling me that I need to hurt in order to feel. Because if I feel it then the life i'm living i'd real and it is bloody sh*t!! But now i don't feel it anymore. And you would think that well real people bleed. But it still doesn't make feel real for some odd reason. So going back to the other day I needed to selfharm to comfirm everything was real and happening and for the frist time since being in my teens I was saying to myself where can cut or burn where no one will know or hey I can break a bone and no one will ask questions I can just make a stroy up about how it happened. Then I found myself at a cross road. I have a op coming up and their going to see every part of my body. So they will know what I have done. And also they have said to me every time I seem to relapes my self harm is getting worse and the next time I self harm it will be deadly even if I didn't intead for it to happen. I am scared. of death at the moment. I really don't wanna die because of me. But I'm scared also that this is the after life we're in as we really haven't had a dead person comfirm we all actually go when we die. (not intended to offend anyones religious views). So if this is the after life then I can't really die beacause I already am dead right?. Its only going to continue being sh*t. I really am out of ideas to help myself and I don't know what to do? Also I don't know who I'm ment to be? The purpose of me being in this place? I can't tell anyone this because I'm scared. But i really need help before this hole get to big that its beyond climbing.

PassedExpectations · 12-09-2012, 02:20 PM

well, maybe there is an after afterlife... cause people definitely don't come back to us after they die...

perhaps when you start feeling like that you could try exercising instead, as a way to get a strong physical sensation.

we all find purposes for ourselves through out life. if you're feeling purposeless right now, what i found helpful was to get involved with a volunteer project that i thought was meaningful

<3br0ken_wings<3 · 13-09-2012, 01:20 PM

Thank you for your advice, I will try them out... feeling a bit better today, was busy all day so it has left little time to pay attention to whats going on in my head.

pixiedust_11 · 17-09-2012, 02:30 PM

Hey there, so sorry to hear you were feeling awful in your earlier post. How are you feeling today? You sounded as though you were in quite a state. I hope you are safe and feeling a little more calm. I know you said you can't talk to anyone else about this, but is there anyone in your life that you can trust enough to maybe open up enough and say that you're at least not feeling okay? You never know who may have been through something similar before, they really could be a life line for you.

You said there is a lot going on in your head, which indicates that there's so much information, it's difficult for your brain to comprehend. Instead of pushing it all back and having to resort to self-harm to validate it, it's a lot healthier and in the long run more beneficial to you to talk about it instead.

<3br0ken_wings<3 · 19-09-2012, 09:30 AM

Thank you for the advice =)

Still feeling depressed but thoughts have come under control a bit. Thank goodness for that. I really don't have much people that I can talk to. Apart from my community nurse and therapist. Other then that my family nor friends understand or make me feel worse for feeling the way I do. And it seems that with my nurse and therapist everything I say falls on deaf ears. Always quick to change the topic. I keep saying I need help and it goes no where, like as if they avoid me saying it then I'm still improving. Even when I'm basically screaming it still nothing. I said to them, that if they keep doing what they are doing when I'm asking for help. It may result in me acting on impluse and doing something stupid to bring it to their a attention that I really do need help and I shouldn't' even have to consider that as a option.

Sorry for rambling on.