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27-10-2011, 01:42 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: new york
I am currently:
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my story...
i dont even know where to start this....
i guess ill start with hi.. im michelle... im 16 years old i live in manhatten and i have an eating disorder.
it started probably in like 7th grade i was just unhappy with the way i looked, 8th grade i like didnt eat but as a joke (me and my frined like made it into a contest who cud eat less, loose more wieght even thou we were both very average weight). 9th grade it got bad because it wasnt a joke anymore. i didnt eat even one full meal a day and was surviving on maybe a tiny bite here and there and water. i lost weight pretty fast but i was denying it completely. by the middle of 9th grade it was too far fr me to deny anything. my friends confronted me and i admitted to myself tht i let it go to far and now i couldnt control myself. i wanted to eat but.. i COULDNT. i physically cudnt put food down my throat. and if i was able to swallow a whole bite i wud need half a bottle of water to keep me from gagging it back up. i was (am) scared of doctors so i didnt want to tell my parents what was going on. obviously my parents realized i lost wieght but i said i was healthy dieitng nad exersizing (they belived me- i guess the thought of an eating disorder was too much for them to bear- see i was kind of the "perfect daughter" that everyone wanted) this lasted most of 9th grade until it got so far and i lost so much wieght that my friends weer scared for my life and told my parents that there was something wrong. my paretns took me to doctors and hospitals, threw out all the money in the world to make sure i got the best care and everything.
i spent the entire summer of 9th grade and first to months of 10th in a hospital. i gained back alot of the wiehgt i lost and i was at a healthy weight, so iwas released from the hospital with monthly check ups already in place. I was a healthy girl again with a hatred for eating disorders and i told myself i wud never let myself get like taht again...
a few weeks later i looked in the mirror and wasnt happy iwth what i saw... i started not eating agan (yes u can tell me im stupid.. i know it was) and i began to loose wieght. my parents brought me back to the doctor right away before i got bad again and i was back i nthe hospital for a little bit...
im in 11th grade now and i would consider myself recovered... but the thoughts keep coming up. what if i wud just not eat fr a few days? then i'd b happy iwth how i look again... but i know its wrong... so waht do i do now?
thanks for listening this was kind of just a venting session :)
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"life is not measured by the number of breaths we take... but by the moments that take our breath away..."
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27-10-2011, 09:39 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: London UK
I am currently:
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Keep fighting - thats what you do now!
I know its bloody hard - trust me I know.
But keep going.
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28-10-2011, 05:19 PM
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#3
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such a beautiful disaster
Join Date: Jun 2007
I am currently:
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First, if venting on here stops you getting anorexic again then go for it!
I promise you that if you restrict even for a few days your ED will come flooding back. ED's are like a poisen (sp) which when even dabbled into infects you, taints you and lures you back in. Please don't go there. Please don't risk it. Look at your life now. Is it really worth screwing up for?
I hope you stay ED free and live a long a happy and healthy life. Think of all your hopes and dreams and keep them in mind because if you go back to the bitch that is anorexia you won't be able to achieve them.
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GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Don't let the sphincter's get you down
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30-10-2011, 08:56 PM
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#5
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#66
Join Date: Jan 2009
I am currently:
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Firstly, congratulations on your recovery, eating disorders are hell to break free from and you should be really proud of what you've achieved. Secondly, don't beat yourself up for still having thoughts and urges to engage in behaviours. It's totally normal to still feel that way from time to time, it's an automatic thought that got hard-wired in your brain when you were unwell and it takes time to for it to disappear. I know that it's difficult to ignore those thoughts when they come but you don't have to act on them. Remind yourself why you fought so hard to get to where you are and why going back to that place isn't a long term solution. Talking can help, so if posting here for support can make things easier for you in any way, then keep doing it, you'll always find support here for your recovery.
Does anything in particular seem to trigger these thoughts? Are you under any stress or anxious about anything? Do you know how you feel things would be better for you if you started engaging in behaviours and began losing weight again? Do you have any support at home? I wish I could give you a quick fix way to fight these feelings, but there isn't one. You're doing all the right things, you're reaching out for support and you know deep down that you don't want to relapse so keep hold of all of that.
Take care of yourself,
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RBT x
I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Could explain the trouble that I'm always in...
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