How do I get along with my friend again, or will this friendship likely end?
Hello,
I've come on recoveryourlife specifically to post my words and see other's perspective and see if I can get help on the situation. I've tried on other sites, but my situation was too much or it wasn't taken seriously. I hope RYL will bring me some promise in how to still relate to my friend and be able to communicate with him.
Quick overview: My childhood friend went through a mental break down due to discovering and his girlfriend and mother of his child with some other man in their home for an undisclosed amount of time, suspecting something had happened. The doubts and stress led to some bad choices which led to his break down. During his recovery he slowly changed and after a year now, he's become very different.
To go into detail of what changed, it's hard to describe overall. Some things are easier to describe, like his change at being factual and increased confidence and assertiveness, but I feel that's an over simplification of what's happened from observation.
During his recovery, he commented that he felt like he was a child in an adult body, where he was hyper sensitive to everything that's said. He began to pick up on the things and habits that people do and noticed things they do to distract themselves from reality. Some things he's started to show was criticizing people for not saying what they mean or someone not giving exact numbers or statements. He became goal oriented, focused on making money to provide a future for his son.
He'll talk back to people and stand his ground. He became very critical of people who don't do what they say they'll do and he's able to manipulate words to win arguments. One being if being requested to do something new, that's never been done before, he'll ask why should he when the person asking has never shown history of doing the thing that they request him to do.
The best way I can some up things is while it feels most of the world is content and will happily live by the terms, "bygones be bygones." he won't live that way, anymore. He will give reasons to why he does things and while they're sound reasons, it still feels off that I'm unable to relate to this desire for facts and punctuality in life. Yes, part of me knows it's my own envy of seeing him get his life together while mine is still in the discovery phase and I'm still working out things, but it feels discerning that things have become things.
Some find his new assertiveness attractive, but being his roommate for nearly 6 months, I've been able to see that it is like he's given up being considerate. He will do things at his time. He won't do something that isn't asked of him directly. Like an example being most parents may have raised their kids to offer help when they see someone doing something, even if they know they won't need the help. He has stopped that.
I won't go further or this will be a longer post than it already is. But how do I communicate with him, when he's like this? We do communicate basic things and necessities, but when it comes to the connection we once had when our views were so similar, that seems to be fading each and every day. I simply wished to post this to see what perspectives others can offer, if they've had friends who had become like how mine has,
I don't have great advice but have you clearly spoken to him about how he has changed and how you feel? It's not possible to change someone but I guess you could maybe be more open about it. How is all this making you feel? Maybe the only thing you can really do is to look for ways within yourself to adjust to this change.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I've asked him why he felt this way and he's explained that during the time of his recovery, people talked about events that he never recalled. He couldn't tell what was true and what was false. His world shattered, and at times, he even mentioned he felt he was unplugged from what he felt was like the matrix of this world. Where 99% of people are just okay with things because it's been that way for centuries or it's ingrained in society, he no longer chooses to live that way. Everything done has to have purpose. From how he does things, to what he does, and what he purchases.
I myself am working on accepting change, in general. Having lived with a father more the age of a grandfather who's stubborn beyond description, I inherited such similar traits of aversion to change.
Times are changing and people change. I recognize that but I'm still working on fully accepting it. Where as we once could talk hours about the mindless things even if there was no point to it, now we don't.
This post (the initial) I acknowledge I did post to get something off my chest and hope to see different views and perspectives. For that, I thank RYL for giving me a platform to do this on.
It is quite sad when friendships change and seem to move apart, I understand. I'm not really sure what could be done other than to give things time and see how your relationship progresses or ends naturally. If it helps to post here please keep doing it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I will continue posting as I feel needed. I do thank you, one_step_closer, for posting. While you couldn't comment on the topic, your words were comforting. Thank you.
Hi, I guess you are just trying to look for that same like minded friend that you once known in the past, but as time goes by, the same friend that you thought you knew had changed completely into a new different person. From what I'm sensing here, I think it's because of the break down that your friend wanted to turn his life over and start investing in his future. You mentioned that your friend has become more "confidence and assertive" which I'm assuming is that he wanted to become mentally stronger so that way he won't have to live through with another break down because now, he is prepared to handle that emotion internally if it ever comes up. Maybe he is at the stage in life where he wants to take things serious so that would evidently shown as to why you guys don't spend time talking about mindless things that you had mentioned. I know where you are coming from trying to be open and accepting new change. It is hard when you are used to something and now that things have acted differently. It's sort of like you want to accept the change but if it doesn't align with what you are thinking then it is difficult on your side to accept it.
How well does your friend handle humor? Have you try to bring up something funny or humorous thing when you guys spend talking? Maybe throw in a few jokes here or there when things get serious and see how your friend would react and go from there.
