We did what we could to survive trauma and abuse. Its awful that it causes us so much distress in our lives now, now we are mostly safe, in present reality.
I'm working a lot right now in therapy to understand brief episodes of dissociative amnesia I had when in my early teens. Its a shock to me that I would have dissociated even then. But then I spent most of my childhood and all my teen years in a state of one kind of dissociation or another. It's totally natural, as I was under a constant state of threat at home and school, already having the propensity to dissociate due to birth trauma and early isolation.
Its sad, and it makes me angry, that noone picked up on how ill I was even then, how much I needed help.
But things were different in the 70s and 80s.
I am getting the help I need now.
And I have the insight and consciousness to work through it, explore it all more safely.
'Melting' though can feel very painful.
But making connections is very very precious. Reaching the I that was never reached, Back Then..
I dissociate when I'm in a very stressful situation, like one time when I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get the morning after pill and I thought I wouldn't be able to pay for it, I was crying and shaking, I couldn't talk, and I just withdrew comepletely. It's happened other times as well, but that was the most recent... It's like I just sort of turn off my mind. I don't think about anything, I stare off into the distance and I can't respond... I like it though, it's better than facing what's going on.
I get this with my panic disorder/anxiety.
I feel like i am completely away from everything and i am living in a different universe from everyone arround me.
I feel like i am inside a bottle, and i see everything blurry through the barricade of the bottom of the bottle.
When this happens i usually freak out and have a panic attack.
But sometimes i have really bad days where i just feel unreal.
It's odd to read what I wrote earlier in this thread about disassociating in school, because now my disassociation is really bad when I'm in school, but it took me a long time to realise that's what it is.
what I've found most helpful for my disassociation is stuff the wonderful Katie told be about, like focussing on your feet. And also sipping water. Because in class my disassociation makes my eyes close or blur and I'm stuck in a 'dream like' state, that isn't asleep but isn't awake and these things seem to help pull me back.
I guess my diassociation is part of my Borderline PD diagnosis.
I wish I could give you all a big hug, it's horrible to suffer with any form of disassociation, youa ll have my respect and hugs.
Do you have anything that triggers it? I find anything remotely related to my 'traumas' will bring it on, being in a classroom, being hit, having something round my neck, eugh.
Ive only just come to realise that I have another personality as such that comes out during those periods.
And it isnt nice... I think its all the thoughts and feelings I tend to hide from in my "normal self" from the past. It hates me, and wants to hurt me and I dont know how to stop it.
I dont even know how to understand it or what it means..
I dont know if its me, but it doesnt feel like me.
I dunno what it is that is wrong with me, but some of the things said in this thread seem to be linked to this.
If anyone could help me out, I'd be really grateful, Im so overwhelmed and scared of this..
I think I have depersonalization and derealization, but they aren't diagnosed.
Depersonalization is an alteration in the perception or experience of the self so that one feels detached from, and as if one is an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body.[1] It can be desirable, such as in the use of recreational drugs, but it is usually referring to the severe form found in anxiety and in the most intense case, panic attacks. It is most often described as a symptom of emotions, such as panic or fear. A sufferer feels that he or she has changed and the world has become less real — it is vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can sometimes be a rather disturbing experience, since many feel that indeed, they are living in a "dream."
Chronic depersonalization refers to depersonalization disorder which is classified by the DSM-IV as a dissociative disorder. Derealization is a similar term to depersonalization, and the two are often used interchangeably. However, more specifically, derealization is the feeling that "nothing is real," while depersonalization is the feeling that one is literally "detached" from one's body or world. Though these feelings can happen to anyone, they are most prominent in anxiety disorders, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, and some types of epilepsy, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization).
That describes me lately.
I think I may have had a few spells of one or both a few years ago, but that's worse now.
I've been feeling that way since at least last Saturday or Sunday.
All is understood too late.
Last Suicide Attempt: Sunday, September 30th, 2007 (my dirty little secret).
Ive only just come to realise that I have another personality as such that comes out during those periods.
And it isnt nice... I think its all the thoughts and feelings I tend to hide from in my "normal self" from the past. It hates me, and wants to hurt me and I dont know how to stop it.
I dont even know how to understand it or what it means..
I dont know if its me, but it doesnt feel like me.
I dunno what it is that is wrong with me, but some of the things said in this thread seem to be linked to this.
If anyone could help me out, I'd be really grateful, Im so overwhelmed and scared of this..
xx
Mine sounds pretty similar to yours. Although I don't lose the time. Time does... warp, though, for me.
I work in therapy to find out more about The Other One, and understand it more.
I'll write more later. I've been very sick yesterday. :[
My girlfriend regularly loses time and from my experience has two additional personalities. One is an 11 year old girl that I have spoken to on a few occasions (which is spooky in itself as it's my girlfriend's voice but her speech is quite immature and childlike) and one is quite a dangerous personality that seems to have a lot of self-hatred (or hatred for my girlfriend) and will make her hurt herself quite badly.
The trouble is, I have saved msn conversations and things from when she was these other personalities but understandably she doesn't want to accept that what I'm saying is true and she won't read the conversations as she's scared to. She doesn't think anything's wrong and won't let me try and show her. She's not receiving any kind of support except from me and I live about 200 miles or more away so there's not much I can do for her.
Does this sound like DID or something similar and does anyone have any advice?
I have depersonalisation disorder... I was diagnosed once, then another psychiatrist made me feel stupid for even suggesting this was my problem.
I remember saying to my first psychiatrist that the world didnt feel real, like I wasn't really in my body and the world felt like a dream... as soon as he said it sounds like depersonalisation disorder, I felt so happy that at least its a recognised problem.
It really, really distresses me. I've stayed in bed for days so I can sleep because my dreams most of the time feel more real than real life...
It can be really hard when you don't feel real. It's like you.. don't belong... Is that how it is for you?
I sometimes get moments when I feel like I am out of my body and wonder who this person is, who I am, who is this thing that has a body and life. It's distressing.
I just typed like a billion words, and they have escaped to internet space, assisted by a message that said I wasn't logged in, I forgot to refresh when I came back from taking the dogs out, and I just don't have the energy now to go and chase them down and haul them all back here just now. They've probably spread out across the universe by now. I'll have to try that again later.
I have this posted somewhere else but typsee said I should put it here too. I don't suffer DID personally, but someone I know gets terrible headaches because of it, and I found this article for her to look at. Hopefully it might come in useful for some of you.
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MPD & Headaches by Sara Lambert
The single most common neurological symptom reported in MPD is headache. (Frank Putnam) Suffering frequent headaches is so typical an experience for multiples that it is one of the major clues psychologists look for when diagnosing MPD. Most multiples report that their headaches are extremely painful, often to the point of being literally blinding. Medication seldom works to relieve the pressure or pain. There are some different explanations for why multiples get more headaches than the general population.
STRESS: Life can be very stressful for multiples. In addition to normal daily problems, you have to deal with post-traumatic stress arising from your abuse history. Other stresses specific to multiples include lost time, waking up in the middle of situations and having to appear as if you know what is going on, and trying to find ways to continue functioning when all you want is to hide under your bed forever. All of this can leave your nerves ragged and muscles bunched up in tension. It can also drain you of emotional strength. Headaches are a natural result.
Considerable physical stress is also a consequence of having a dissociative disorder as you use your physical senses to contain and come to terms with your psychological disabilities and "strange" experiences. Take derealization, for example: a common occurrence of dissociative misperception wherein the world seems distorted or two-dimensional. The effort to focus your vision all the time can cause eye strain and, subsequently, acute headache. On top of this, it can be incredibly distressing, frustrating, and frightening to experience episodes of derealization. The emotional toll is enough in itself to cause headache. But it doesn't end there because, in addition to the physical effects of trying to deal with dissociative misperceptions, and the emotional effects of it, most dissociators also fight hard to hold everything together and look "normal" to the outside world. This can be exhausting, especially when selves are struggling to get out. As the brain works furiously to manage all these layers of stress, the dissociator develops a worsening headache.
To ease stress headaches, find what works best for you to decrease swollen, tense muscles. This is different for everyone - some prefer ice whereas others need to stand in a warm shower. Massage can be helpful. Music is soothing but, for some people, the noise simply adds another layer of stimulus onto the load the brain is already having to deal with. Some find the only thing they can do to help the pain is sleep. This works by giving your body a chance to rest and revitalize. There are also a number of self-hypnotic techniques you can use to let the stress and pain go. As dissociators are highly hypnotizable, these techniques can be particularly effective. You can create any hypnotic scenario you want from your own imagination. For example, fill your mind with a gentle, soothing color that washes the pain away.
OVERSTIMULATION: Multiples are very prone to pressure-type headaches caused by too much incoming stimulus. This barrage of psychic "noise" includes things which impact on all our senses and overwhelm them. It may come from inside - for example, too many alter selves standing near the front of consciousness. The noise may also come from outside - too much sound, too many bright colors that blur in front of your eyes. There are two probable reasons why multiples are overly sensitive to external stimuli - because of their chronic abuse experiences, multiples have developed a hyper-alertness which means they are constantly aware of everything around them incase danger is lurking - and because they have so many different "eyes" perceiving the world around them, often simultaneously. As one survivor put it, "Sometimes things have too much meaning. It's as if we're all looking at something at the same time, and our different perceptions get jumbled-up and become too much to cope with, and then our head feels as if it's going to explode. And of course we all have separate feelings and opinions for what we see. It can be unbearable. There are so many eyes/minds, but only one sensory system to process everything. Even just a walk down the city street can leave us with a crippling (but somehow painless) headache."
To help ease headaches cause by over stimulation, ask inside for everyone to step back and give you some space and quiet. Explain that it is more effective for them to tell you about their experiences when you have time and energy to listen properly. Alternatively, they may like to write their thoughts/feelings in a journal if they can't wait. Some multiples find it helpful to carry pen and paper around with them for this purpose. There are ways to achieve ventilation of some of the noise - deep breathing exercises are good for this, and again you can use a number of self-hypnotic techniques, such as picturing a steam-valve on the side of your neck. If you find it overwhelming to go out in public surrounded by "noise pollution", you could try wearing a walkman that playing peaceful, soothing music which blocks out the other noise.
SWITCHING: Switching from one alter self to another causes headache mainly when there is some kind of conflict between the selves for control. The solution to this is better communication and cooperation within your system. When there is a disagreement about who should be "out", many selves may be happy to accept a third party to take the out position as act as a mediator so both voices can be heard through her. Often this third party is an automaton self who has few sensitivities of her own, and so is not disturbed by being a channel through which others can communicate. Another suggestion is that, instead of coming completely out, the two selves stand in a place on the edge of inside, where they can be heard without a complete switch having to occur. Most people find that, as their co-consciousness increases, struggles for control (and the consequent headaches) cease to be a problem. There are some multiples who experience headache or other symptoms, such as nausea or dizziness, with even the most uncomplicated and unconflicted switches. This is usually the case for those who are early in their healing process, or whose dissociative barriers are profound. It is not surprising when you consider the physiological changes that happen when a multiple switches between alter selves. It has been proven that selves have their own unique pattern of brainwaves. Furthermore, everyone has at different ages a different biochemistry and mental capacity - thus the switch from adult to child is going to be more physiologically complex than between two adults.
SPILLAGE: When alters have disputes between themselves at a subconscious level, or when one is seething because of some anxiety they have, the tension often emerges in the form of headache. In this way, the person who is out may have a migraine without being aware that it is being caused by a stroppy teenager who is figuratively stomping around inside because she is angry about something. Alter selves are also notorious for sending headaches to the front person as a kind of message. This headache can be seen as a kind of acting out. In cases like these, pain-killing medication is of no use, because there is no actual physiological problem - the pain results from emotional disturbance. It is necessary to get the selves talking to you about what is going on for them. If they are willing to do this, there is a better chance they will get their needs met than if they simply radiate wordless feelings and pain.
I don't know what I have...
There's another voice in me. No name that I know of, been there forever. But she yells at me all the time, tells me things that I can't repeat here...or I don't know. Maybe I can. She hates me. I say she always yells, but she's the one who tells me why I should kill myself, and she's the one who knows that I mess everything up. Most of the time I just her have the control whenever I want anything done. I say let...she shoves me to the side.
I also feel like I don't exist. I feel like I'm just a shell, and I'm really not there. I've also seen things in the ceiling and on patterns, and objects seem more realistic to me than people.
Does anyone know what I'm describing?
I do not want to know myself. I do not want to be myself. I know better, so I will strive to be better.
I don't know what I have...
There's another voice in me. No name that I know of, been there forever. But she yells at me all the time, tells me things that I can't repeat here...or I don't know. Maybe I can. She hates me. I say she always yells, but she's the one who tells me why I should kill myself, and she's the one who knows that I mess everything up. Most of the time I just her have the control whenever I want anything done. I say let...she shoves me to the side.
It's not exactly the same for me but I do experience something like that. There's a voice in me that yells and yells at me and hates me. She mocks me and everything I do. I don't know what to do about it though, so I guess telling you this is totally pointless. I know it's horrible though.
Quote:
I also feel like I don't exist. I feel like I'm just a shell, and I'm really not there. I've also seen things in the ceiling and on patterns, and objects seem more realistic to me than people.
Does anyone know what I'm describing?
I've felt that too. Sometimes. I don't feel like I exist, like I'm there at all. And patterns and things get a meaning and a personality and a mood. I don't know why though.
I'm sorry, I don't know what you're describing. I'm clueless. But I can kind of relate, you know?
