Thank you. The writing group was ok but I felt like everyone did a better job than me. For next week we've to write something about what we're like when our mental health is bad and what helps and what superpower we'd have to combat mental illness. I don't think the topics are always going to be so heavy. We're still trying to get started properly because this is only the second time we have met up. I'm going to keep trying anyway. It's not too intimidating since it's with the organisation my support worker is from so I know the staff and the service users and the building.
If I'm pushed into anything I can't handle I'm going to have to find the courage to kill myself because I can't cope with even a tiny amount of stress. I need to be doing something proactive to help my brother. I need to be communicating with the men. I need to be doing something risky to sacrifice myself and please the men. My brain won't think hard enough though. I am wasting time and my brother's life by not having the focus to work things out. Only non-human things are appropriate for helping him and for living my life. Not full human things anyway, activities that acknowledge my almost non-human status. It's likely that I'm just too lazy to make an effort to think about what those things could be. And I lack the ability to do the right amount of self harm needed. Someone should just kill me. I'm scared of dying too. There must be a way to stop my evil influence on the world.
It's not right that I'm not breaking down walls inside my head to let the proper thoughts about how to fix things through sacrificing myself to come through. I need to recharge then really, really focus. I need more energy to form self destructive plans. I'm weak. I barely do anything and I'm tired and lacking in focus for some things.
I will not be allowed to avoid or run away from life pressures for much longer. I need an exit before I get too overwhelmed.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
My friend who is in hospital is upsetting me again. She hasn't text me for a while but did yesterday just calling me a strange one and asking me how I am. She didn't reply when I text her back but she replied today saying she's fine and calling me a weirdo, so I text her back saying it's more likely that she's the weirdo with a sticky out tongue face so she'd know I was joking, then a couple of minutes later she said she was fine idiots looking after my cat or trying to (I'm unsure if this was directed at me). And then said she's not weird she's intelligent and the sooner she gets away the better and I won't be getting her contact details because if I hadn't blogged stuff about her on my laptop and it got lost then none of her information would have been leaked. She's talking about an entry I made in my password protected blog when we first met that simply said I had met a nice lady and we might be going on walks together. I was scammed when selling 2 of my old laptops and didn't get paid for them so she thinks I left information on them about her (which I didn't).
She said she doesn't want me writing anything about her again and she's very annoyed about how I was with her when I met her at the hospital. I explained what I had written in my blog and that it didn't give her personal details and it's password protected and she text back saying it's lucky I know about that stuff because she's just thick (in a sarcastic and angry manner). Her last text said I haven't even visited her and I explained that it was because she said I was making her feel bad. I didn't mention that she is making me feel bad too. She hasn't replied yet.
I know she's not well but that doesn't change what her beliefs about me are right at this moment. I actually can't remember what it was like to have a good friendship with her now that all of this has changed. She seems to be getting worse with treatment rather than better. She'll be saying stuff to the staff and at least a couple of the nurses already dislike me so they will hate me even more. I really just add shit to the earth. I need to kill myself. I want to know of a sure way. I wish I would take action and get it right because it's for the best.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Your friend is being unreasonable and shouldn’t make you feel that way. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to get your point across and let her know how it makes you feel. You are not a bad person and don’t deserve to be made to feel like one.
I feel like everything is crumbling around me and I can't cope with much more. My brother text me today apologising for not texting yesterday because he's been very busy (on his trip) and isn't feeling great either. I asked what's up that he's not feeling great and he said it's tiring and travelling also reminds him that he doesn't find enjoyment in anything and it's hard to be around a bustle of excited people and not feel excited yourself. I'm so worried about him. Absolutely nothing I'm doing is helping him. I need to force myself to think about what rituals I need to be doing and to find something risky to do to myself. I didn't sleep much last night so my mind energy is even lower than usual making it feel like an extra hard task to focus on what to do from here. I need to push myself anyway even if I'm tired because this is my brother's well being that's on the line. I need to stop being selfish.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I've phoned crisis twice tonight and hung up both times because I don't know either of the people who are working today. I don't know a lot of the staff now, another one of the long term staff left last month. I don't want to have to try and explain everything from scratch. It's more than frustrating not being able to find the brain energy to work out a fool proof suicide plan or at least a risk taking plan. I feel stuck because I can't do anything at all to make things better. I can't just sit here but that's exactly what's happening. I'm breathing and not taking any steps towards anything. There is no quick fix for my brother, there is probably no fix for him full stop. I'm tempted to hide in bed but I know that is a place where I will have even more distressing thoughts with no means of getting away from them. I need someone to push me off the edge to my death. I just need some focus to do something risky! Just do it! I feel like I can't make a move to do anything big but I really, really want to end things. Give me some focus and energy, please.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
*lends you my energy* I don't have many words lovely, but I think you are an epic, kind, caring person, not in the least bit selfish or any of the negatives you think about yourself. Anyway I've read, and I care.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I'm lacking in words that will adequately explain things. Still ticking along just not managing to do some of the things I was doing before. I still haven't phoned my CPN about seeing if I can do something less challenging than the gardening volunteering thing, it's next Tuesday so I really need to get on with phoning her. I'm too empty for my liking, I think empty is sort of the word, disconnected. I don't want to be connected to positive human things though I just want to be able to hurt myself and do risky things.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’m sorry I wasn’t around. Hurting yourself will not help things for you or your brother. Please stay safe.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say to your cpn the gardening is too much. You could say to her that you will look for other volunteer opportunities that are more suited to your needs right now. Maybe something that’s just a couple of hours a week. It’s ok to tell people when you are feeling overwhelmed. Keep talking to your team.
Hey. Lorraine is right when she says that hurting yourself won't help your brother.
My Dad brought me up on his own between the ages of four and ten, then I went to live with my Mum and she brought me up with my step-dad from then until I became an adult. They weren't perfect, no upbringing is, but would you say that they're to blame for my difficulties? I certainly don't blame them, and I don't imagine you would treat them with the same contempt that you're treating yourself. You don't deserve to beat yourself up because your brother has his struggles. They are not your fault, just as my struggles are not the fault of my parents.
Same with you feeling unable to help him. You can be there to listen, but really, your brother has to help himself. Same as we all do, when it comes down to it. We are adults and, most of the time unless we are completely not in control of ourselves, we have to take responsibility for our own mental health and well being. It's the same for your brother. It is not on you to "fix" him. It really isn't.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I phoned my CPN today but she wasn't there so I'm waiting on her phoning back at some point. I won't be able to predict when she's going to call so it will make me anxious and I might not be able to explain things properly since I won't have rehearsed it just before talking to her. My self hating mind is telling me that my CPN was there but didn't want to talk to me, since the receptionist tried her line and then told me she wasn't at her desk but was out seeing a patient. I know that at the main entrance to the health centre they have one of those in - out board things and I'm sure the receptionist upstairs should know who is in and who is out because although the board is downstairs they must have something similar in that office. I'm getting absolutely sick of being a person that people hate and a person who believes people may hate her whether they do or don't. I can't get into anyones head so they could be lying to me about not hating me.
I guess I feel very powerless when it comes to helping my brother so I often turn to strategies that seem to have less of a direct link to helping him because they are something to try and the men have told me in the past to do things like that to protect my brother. To protect other people too. I'm not so fixated on everyones safety right now, haven't been for a while, but I can never let go of the belief I have a lot of negative influence over how my brother is. I don't know if he has the ability to help himself, his mood is low and he's anxious which is probably stopping him from seeking help or doing things to make himself feel better. No one wants people they care about to hurt. My brother is really the only close family member I have and he has been so connected to me throughout our childhood so I've become really immersed in wanting things to be well for him. I don't know if it's possible for me to take a step back. It sounds like something I could maybe deal with in therapy if I was still seeing a psychologist but at the same time it seems like it's wrong to try and take a step back. Although I also know that if it was my brother putting so much emphasis on me I'd feel uncomfortable and I know that he does feel uncomfortable with the little he is aware of.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I really just need to ask her about contacting the volunteering place, there are a lot of things I'd like to talk to her about but will have to keep the call short and to the point. I'll try and write some points down, I'll need a copy next to my house phone and a copy in my pocket in case she phones my mobile when I'm out! Thanks.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Writing it down is a good plan. I hope you can get your point across and get it sorted. I also hope she gives you the help you need. Have you spoke to her about your brother?
Thanks. I forgot to write something before it was my wind down before bed time but I managed to talk to my CPN when she phoned. Although she is a nice person I was kind of expecting her to be angry with me and say I'm not even trying but she didn't. She said I went along which was trying and she'll encourage me to try things but won't force me into anything because I might take steps backwards. She said she would phone the organisation in the afternoon and that they would phone me because they prefer to talk to people directly. A little while later the organisation phoned my house phone but I didn't answer. It was actually the lady leaving a message my CPN as I gave her my home number rather than my CPN's number last week when I was dissociating a bit. It was weird hearing her talk about me as if she was talking to my CPN. She didn't say much though because my CPN actually hadn't phoned her at that point.Later the lady phoned my mobile (I didn't answer) and left a message saying I could do a half day of gardening on Wednesday and she'll pick me up from a supermarket at 12.45 when she's picking up the people from the craft group. I think I'd rather go to the craft group if there is a space than do gardening but I don't know if I'll have enough confidence to say that.
The pharmacist gave me my daily prescription and he had also managed to get me a prescription for some emollient. He had given me a bottle of it with a pump and said I can use as much of it as I like. I know he was just stating a fact but it felt like he was being kind to me. On my way to the gym group I saw my CPN walking into the health centre and she waved to me. That felt like kindness too and I started (continued) wondering how long it will be before the usual happens and she either starts to hate me or she moves to a different area or discharges me.
I did speak to her a bit about my brother when I saw her last week and she tried to reassure me that he likely isn't always low since his partner obviously wants to spend time with him, and that he is managing his life. She spoke about how she has a younger brother and she feels protective of him and that of course I will feel it to a greater extent since I was a stand in parent for him.
Right now one of my old friends from school is messaging me trying to get me to talk about sex with him, he wants me to have sex with him too but doesn't say it directly. It makes me very uncomfortable. He was my non-serious boyfriend for a little while when I was about 17 and he has never let go of fancying me. Every time we talk he ends up talking about sex and asking me personal questions which I don't answer. He says I can tell him to shut up if I don't want to talk about it but he wishes we could be all sexy. I don't feel adult enough to talk about this stuff, it makes me very uncomfortable. Was harassed a bit during my undergrad by some guy too and that has made me like sex is something bad. (I've never had sex though). Too much information, sorry.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can't find definite answers to any of my questions. Like Google would provide any guidance when it come to things that few people know about, like the men and the other world. I've been trying to communicate with the men but I'm not interpreting their messages correctly. No, maybe I am, I'm probably being a wimp because they always tell me to jump off the bridge. I'm too scared to even go there because people will see me. If I hadn't SORNed my car then maybe I'd at least be able to go to the train station, I'm too scared and lacking in energy to walk. I need to push myself instead of letting myself get away with everything.
I poisoned lives as soon as I was born. Unfortunately my brother has never had a second of his life where I haven't existed. He has suffered the most out of everyone. I need to find some way to eliminate me and all memories of me. I don't know if memories can be deleted but surely I can be deleted, surely taking me out of the equation and just leaving the memories would be a start since I then can't affect anyone's future in a direct way. I should never have been allowed to take my first breath. I am powerless to do good and I can't stop doing bad. I can't keep doing this, allowing myself to breathe because breathing keeps the body alive which keeps the evil alive. I could run away but my brother was worried when I disappeared from hospital for a while. And I'd likely be found anyway.
I can't harm myself enough to make it possible for me to continue living. I think about my brother, I try to get help. But he gets no help. He gets no protection from me. I'm trying to stay in my house but I'm very tempted to go out and do something risky. I would end up failing. I am useless. There's no one I can talk to. The people on crisis don't know me and I can't explain all of this from scratch. I'm seeing my CPN on Thursday so it wouldn't be fair to phone her tomorrow. I need to stop saving myself anyway. I have some money, I can pay someone to make sure I die. Don't let it be painful, please. I have had enough pain. I should stop writing, stop seeking help. I am the biggest evil on the earth at the moment. I hate myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
