See, I categorise 'memories' into sections; 'real and 'half-real'. Real memories are where I can feel the things around me and smell the smells that would have been present if I'd actually been there. So I guess they're true memories. Right? Half-real memories are ones are always me watching myself do things, like I'm floating above or behind my 'memory' self. They're of things that I know I've done because others tell me that I did that stuff, but I don't really feel as if it's true. Did I make these ones up just to make sense of being told I did something? Is that why they don't feel real?
And then there's the stuff that I don't remember at all but people say I did.
Last edited by ghosts in the machine : 25-07-2010 at 03:18 PM.
Reason: trying to make more sense
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I hope the busier library keeps you focused on work, rather than overwhelming you, if that's the case it could be a helpful venture.
It probably doesn't feel that way now, but acceptance is a very positive thing. You can't deal with or manage things you don't know about or believe in. I know it is very painful and confusing (among other things) to believe what your memories tell you, but it really is necessary, and you are doing a great job! As with the alters that have just surfaced, maybe just give yourself some time (if possible) before they come out in therapy, it sounds like you are still need some time to process the last session. Give your self some space, time to reflect and recover before diving into something new.
*breathes deeply* I'm trying to stay calm. everything seems to have kicked off over the last week. I have so many appointments coming up i'm completely overwhelmed. I feel like there's someone who's tugging on my right hand and mind, but they're not 'coming out and i cant figure out who they are.
You are talking to: Kat The Others are: Annabell (Belle), Rosie, Lotty, Kate, Amy, Jessica (Jess), Sarah, Ramiel(Miel), Elizabeth (Liz), Shadow
Lost Boys - Thank you for your advice. You're right, I suppose it is a big step to be moving towards acceptance after years of denial. It's been a huge step to even be able to remember bits as I just hadn't been aware any of it had happened before. It's overwhelming. I'm wondering about letting some of the alters out who are more established and who I have "known" for longer, but I'm not sure, I guess I'll just see how I feel tomorrow. I feel a little bit brighter today after my mammoth diary session last night but still feeling pretty grim. How are you doing?
Scath - I know what you mean about half-memories. A lot of my memories are like that. Maybe at some point the half-memories will become full memories, but for now just try to deal with what you can. I know it's hard when the memories seem to uncertain and hazy but try not to force them. Hope you're ok.
Katnovia - Hope your appointments go well for you.
Emma - It's nice to see you back here. I hope you are doing ok? It sounds like things have been quite confusing for you recently and I hope that you are getting support to help you with it. I hope that you are able to get to know Ally and Izzy in a positive and constructive way :-]
tomoro we has bigdr appt an tey decid if we ned sta hosptal. i reeli hops not. i scard dr tri maks me dispeer. i no wana dispeer. i wana sta rite heer an i wana keps my nam too! i so scard.
we has go werk at 430 cuz meenie boss man tel us to cuz we not werk tomoro. but i reeli no wan..
ok yeah well the boss is a freaking idiot!!! omg ha! we arent staying long cause dr appt monday is at 8:15am so we probably wont sleep good tonight anxiety will be high im sure.
so we need to come home early shower and take a xanax to ensure that we can at least sleep some tonght.. and if he doesnt like it then its his fault! he never ask what time appt is .. and we even said itll take all day. if hed stop being a lazt, stingy idiot and hire another front desk so it wasnt just Hiding and the boss and his wife..then we wouldn't have to go in tonight at all. its way screwed up. anyhow ....umm yeah.. sorry i interuppted sarah here to vent my frustrations but ..GRRR!!
We're going to try and quit drinking so much alcohol starting tonight. We only drink after 8/9pm, but we always get drunk. We didn't get drunk last night and we didn't sleep well at all. Not looking forwards to this, we usually get stressy and crave alcohol when we don't have any.
We have fructose malabsorbotion, we get physically sick when we eat NUMEROUS amounts of foods, from apples, pears, stone fruit
(plums peaches, appricots, mango etc, wheat, onion, green beans... the list goes on. It's like all the foods that we love :(
We hope it goes well tomorrow, just be honest and having something soothing with you, to ground yourself and keep yourself present.
Im going to try to handle work tonight for the few hrs we are there. its very hard to stay front and not want to SH when sarah and Hiding are soo freaked out.. man hate the headaches.. rather the headaches than the panic tho .. cause i dont know how to deal with that. SADIE
we will make it ..ok I'm sure.. just hating all this chaos really wish it had an off switch ha!
strange about Kyle, but if he was worried he may do something he will regret than maybe it is for the best that he has hidden away inside for a bit. try not to worry.. just..umm..try your best to keep things going..that is all i am trying to do at the moment myself.
yeah we did that ( tv and stuff for noise. when we are home alone. i used to even leav living room lights and tv on when we would go to bed in bedroom so it felt like someone was still up watchin tv. it helps.
work went ok sadie was out for work and she did well im proud of her. actually things feel pretty calm right now but that could be the xanaxx kicking in. we thought taking a xanax tonight would be the best bet to keep anxiety at bay and hopefully sleep some tonight.. but tomorrow maybe a completely different story.. Hiding
that's really hard to answer... I guess in pat as got nothing to compare it to, not sure what it feels like without them so not sure if it feels different... For me the first clue was lost time, I would loose hours, days, sometiems even weeks and often "find" myself in places with no idea how or why I got there - often also with no idea of where I was. Also (and I thought this was normal ntil told differently) I often get a sort of running commentry in my head commenting on things I'm doing but the thoghts feel sort of disjoined as it they are not from me and they often ave very different opinions to myself. I thought evenyone had this and it wa just how people make desisions, but been told that they dont... I also was aware of Jess for as long as I can remember, I could just feel her there and at times hear her, but I assumed that was normal I was semi-aware of Sarah from a few years before the others too. Even once I realised this wasnt "normal" I still didn't know what was going on nor how to explain it to anyone...
I dismissed all this until dissociation was brought up by a doctor, but it wasn't really looked into. The main "hint" was that my parnter noticed things like a change in how I acted or even at times a total and random change in opinion on issues, sometimes apparently a slight change in tone of voice and posture, etc. too. And one day he brought it with me me and I had no idea what the heck he was going on about lol. Evenutally the psych I had sort of put all the bits together
Usually I have no awareness, or very little awareness when another is out. Sometimes I can see and/or hear what's going on but have no control, other times I am vaugely aware of conversation topics but not details, and time other times I will be aware of the passage of time but nothing else. Then there are the times where I have no awareness at all. Sometime, only very sometimes, another can be out or nearly out at the same time that I am in control, but that's just a confusing and head hurting experiance that rarely occurs, other than Jess who is always fairly near the front without any real effects.