Slipping

[Epicene]

Hi everyone

Firstly I'm really sorry to be posting for support as it's been a while since I've been on here and I haven't been particularly helpful to anyone of late.

Basically I'm noticing that I'm slipping back into old habits and I don't know how to stop it. I know what the triggers are but that's not making it any easier to change my behaviour; I'm still restricting a lot. I guess I'm wondering how I can get a hold of things before I wind up with a problem again. What have people found helps them from relapsing?

Thanks.

[Epicene]

Thank you so much for the lovely reply and fantastic advice <3 I'm sorry to hear you're not doing great yourself.

I think you're right that I need to not beat myself up about eating the same things. At the moment I'm managing to eat a meal in the evenings with my wife (which varies day to day) but it's the day that's hardest, where I'm just eating one particular 'safe' food. But at least I am forcing myself to eat it which is better than nothing. It does make it less stressful.

I love the idea of the dinosaur sandwich cutter! I actually think I might look on Amazon for one.

I know I'm fine medically as I'm overweight right now anyway. That complicates things somewhat for me though, because I know if I lost weight I'd get a lot of positive reinforcement from friends, doctors etc and that it would probably actually be beneficial for my health. But then I also know that to lose weight through an ED would be really damaging for me in lots of ways, and the last thing I want is to become anorexic like I have been in the past. Gah.

[Juniperi]

I don't know what to say because I'm truly struggling to find a body positive mindset at the moment, but I'm working on envisaging what I want my body to do. Maybe this could work for you too. So I'm focusing on the idea that I want to feel strong when I run and do aerials and imagining how that will feel if I keep myself fit and eat well compared to how I will feel trying to do these things while restricting. I don't know if that makes sense or if it will work, but hopefully it will be of some help to you. Mostly I just wanted you to know that I read your post and am thinking of you, Jake!

[Epicene]

Jill, I'm sorry to hear about your low body image. It really sucks doesn't it? Thank you for your support. I am about to start martial arts actually and I do want my body to be in the best place it can be for that, rather than feeling dizzy and weak for not eating enough. So that is worth holding onto.

Carmen, thank you for your considered reply. I suppose the rational part of me accepts that restriction is unhealthy despite weight; the disordered part of me thinks that can't possibly apply to me because I'm so big. My GP is aware that I have had an eating disorder, yes. So is my psychologist. I don't know why but it feels quite hard to open up about the extent to which I'm struggling with food though.

Eating with my wife is definitely helpful, and she is aware I'm struggling. She doesn't want me to get ill again so she keeps quite strict tabs on me! She is encouraging me to eat my safe food during the day and texts me whilst I eat so that's really good.

It might be helpful for me to try and eat more of the safe food. All I really want to do is restrict everything so I guess I need to be aware of that and fight it. I really don't feel like fighting though, I feel like giving in.

[Epicene]

Things have been going okay all the time that I'm eating with others, but I still struggle when I'm alone. I'm also going to be alone between now and Thursday evening which is going to be difficult.

Thanks for checking up on me.

[Epicene]

I think it's something to do with the accountability, but also it just feels safer. I've somehow got this belief in my head that it's not safe to eat when I'm alone. I'm not sure if that's bordering on an OCD-type thought or something else. I don't know how to shift it.

Thanks for thinking of me and replying.