Beyond repair.

[chinahorse]

Beginning to think I should just end it all properly and fully.

Sleeping helped a bit. I'm so so fatigued. On my way to work now. I know I should have showered but so much energy.

Meeting cpn today. Let's see how rubbish that is.

[Buttons.]

Hope it goes as well as possible with your CPN. *hugs gently if wanted*

[tamobhuuta]

I hope your CPN is helpful x

[one_step_closer]

I really hope your CPN hears you and gives you whatever support you need.

[chinahorse]

Cpn wasnt that helpful. Said the psychology and dbt people would contact me for an assessment. Said they may expedite things so I'm not on a waiting list. Doesn't give me any support now though.

Need to shower and eat and play with the cat and tidy my front room and I'm nearly in tears on the bus at how much I have to do.

Badly want to cut again. The receptionist at a and e knows who I am.

[nonperson]

Maybe things being expedited can give you a little bit of hope though.

Is there anything you think you can do to avoid cutting?

[chinahorse]

Doesn't help me now though. Haven't even had the assessment which they could say no in.

I don't know. I'm tired and need to clean the house and shower.

[chinahorse]

There is no hope for me. Is there? None.

[nonperson]

There is always hope. It can be hard to see it yourself sometimes though, but I promise it is there.

What will help you right now then?

[chinahorse]

I've washes myself and my hair and fed the cat.

What'd help is a few days off work with crisis working on coping strategies and people to call when I'm stressed and can't cope.

Right now I'm knackered but wanna cut still. Like so tired I can't see straight.

[nonperson]

Are there other helplines or something you could call? I know they might not be able to help as such but they would listen. I also don't have any particular ones to suggest, sorry.

Well done for getting some stuff done while being so tired. Is it time for some rest? Or it's never too early for bed when you're super tired.

[Auror.]

This might be a really dumb question to ask, and I promise I'm asking because I legitimately don't remember, not because I'm trying to have a go at you or insult you. I know you are trying. I'm wondering if when you were in the therapeutic community you learned any type of coping skills that you could look back on or use? I know you didn't get a lot out of it and I can't really remember specifics of what they did there.

[chinahorse]

At the cassel they would say yo talk to someone and tell them my thoughts and feelings.

I've slept for 2 hours. Woke up. Want to self harm badly. More than I want sleep. More than anything. I know I need to sleep again. And go to work tomorrow. It's hard to care.

[Pomegranate]

Why do you want to self harm? What will the result be?

[Unbreakable.]

I hope you managed to stay safe and go back to sleep. <3

[chinahorse]

The result will be damage and an escape from my head. The voices are back intemittently and I'm finding it hard to deal with. The damage appeases them. The damage means hopefully someone in my real life (if that makes sense) who is in a position to help me will.

I didn't self harm but didn't sleep well thpugh I did sleep.

[chinahorse]

I can't keep doing this.
Am in a and e again.
It's busy again.
Hours and hours wait again.
It's rubbish. I'm rubbish.
Feel really stuck and low and out of ideas guys.

[tamobhuuta]

Did you get sorted at A&E? Things will get better x

[chinahorse]

I did get sorted. And had a few hours sleep before work which was good. The triage psych liason was horrible so I declined their input.

Struggling with the cmht. Meant to have had 2 phone calls to make 2 separate appointments and had neither. How am I meant to believe these people have my best interests at heart?

I'm so fatigued.

[one_step_closer]

Have you heard from anyone yet? I'm sorry people are being so useless. How are you doing?