My best friend was over. He'd been up a while, but I was sleeping in, cause I'm lazy.
I wake up, and about 30 minutes later in and starts talking to me. I'm in my nightclothes, and don't realise that my sleeve is rolled up a little too much.
"Where did those scratches come from?" she asks.
CRAP CRAP CRAP! What the bejesus do I say!? (I didn't even realise that my arm had scarred. But apparently it has.)
Fortunately, my friend Dan jumps up in a flash, and makes some excuse about ferrets for me. My Mum takes the excuse and just wanders off.
Problem is, my Mum is like me. And I know damn well, if someone gave me a stupid excuse, I would react exactly the same. Knowing it wasn't true. But completely accepting it.
But yes, I'm really worrying about my Mum knowing, but fortunately for me, Dan and I were travelling back to his that afternoon and my Mum wouldn't want to bring it up in front of him. So I'm going to be 237 miles out of my Mum's way for four whole days!
Four days later, I make my way home. And after five hours of travelling, I meet Mum at work. Walking home, she just bursts out with "Now, Shauna, those scratches on your arm...have you harmed yourself"
CRAP CRAP CRAP!! No Dan to help me this time. I couldn't do anything but tell the truth. (At least she's had a few days for it to sink in, right?) I had a hoody on, so I didn't have to see the disappointment in her face. She sounded like she was going to cry, but I don't think she did.
She promised to get me help and everything.
Although, she only saw one or two light scars. I don't think she realises that it's a little more than scratching myself, and that it's a very regular thing.
It feels so wrong with her knowing. She hasn't really mentioned it since.
But still, I just feel so ashamed.
Sorry for the long post. I'm guessing my Mum reacted quite well compared to most? Still one of the most horrible moments of my life though.
Hey there,
I remember how rough it was when my mother found out about my self harm-they often have so many questions and it is such a close and private thing that it can really hurt to have them probe you on it. It does sound like your mum is reacting quite well on a scale of things, but that doesn't take away your feelings of guilt/upset/exposure.
I'm glad to hear she is getting you help, that may seem scary right now sweetheart, but I promise you it is ten hundred times harder to struggle through this on your own, than if you have professional and family support.
I actually found directing my mum to some internet sites (not this one!) helped a lot-it meant she could read up on self harm and understand it a bit better without me having to go through it all. There was a 'letter to parents' which was very good on V2 of RYL that you could print off as it was or edit and personalise-I shall have a look for that for you.
In the mean time, take care, and my pm box is open anytime,
katy
xxx
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Thanks for the quick reply :) I've been in CAHMS on and off a bit before this happened. One of them knew I self harmed, but didn't talk about it. I've found them all pretty useless to be honest.
My Mum hasn't asked how or why or anything like that. It was just mention and that was it really. If she did, then I would most likely get her on the internet about it, as I can't explain it all.
I just don't want to talk about it with her at all. It's such a horrible feeling.
eek i remember when my mom found out
same thing my sleeve was rolled up a little too much and she saw. the weird thing is i think she almost knew what she was going to find before she made me turn my arm over for her to see. i could tell from her voice. anyways. i know it seems awful at first. theres this constant feeling of dread. my stomach was tied up in knots for days and everytime i thought about my mom's look on her face when she saw my scars i tensed up.
but it got easier...even after the painful questions and therapy sessions and such.
anyways what i'm saying is that it gets better and it gets easier. and actually, all in all, for me at least, i think it almost brought us closer. i hope it turns out as well for you :] so far it seems like she's pretty understanding. best of luck!
Hey,
I know this can be a bit difficult...in fact it feel like your whole life's shattered...! It seems as if perhaps your mum took it reasonably well, if she's willing to help you or just to accept it and talk calmly about it then it's a really good sign. In a way, you could see it as a bit of a relief that you don't have to hide everything any more (?).
It does certainly sound as if your mum reacted quite well, so you can be kind of glad in that respect. I was made homeless for 9 months after my parents found out!!
If you do need to talk aobut it though, my PM box is always open!!
x
this sounds so much like my mum when she found out and i guess they both took it pretty well. and i know what you mean about it feeling 'wrong' with your mum knowing. to be honest, that feeling doesn't go, at least not in my experience, but it does get less. how have the past few days been?
My mum has asked a few times about my scars, from where have I got them, but I've always muttered something and then changed the subject. I'm not sure if she really even knows what SI is. But then, mums know an awful amount of information about things you think they've never even heard of.
I moved away from home when I was fifteen, so it's quite easy for me to hide the scars from mum 'cause we see each other so random. I wish every day that someone would have noticed my scars and asked me how I was doing or what the hell was I doing to myself when I was at my teens. So that this cycle of self-destruction would have stopped at the very beginning of it. But then, I know, it's so damn frightening, if someone just directly asks you about SI. *hugs*
”Olen, mutten ajattele”; tekstasin tekstarin
Telottajalle, joka samantien mestasi
René Descartes’n teräväl sapellil
Pohdiskelu pistää vaan pelkäämään pahemmin
It's a tough situation, but it may be for the best. This way you're going to get the help that you need for it. I'm proud of you, considering how much is going on, you seem to be taking it better than I did when my parents found out. It's a scary situation and like someone else said, it feels so wrong because it's an invasion of something that's so private and dear to you. You've been holding this secret for however long and now it's all out in the open. I know you're scared but you'll be ok.
Cheers on having a friend like Dan to make excuses about ferrets. I always loved having friends like that who could always find a shiney new change of subject when someone saw the cuts. :)
*hugs*
