things are hard.
Things are just feeling really hard, I don't know what there is anyone can say but I'm reaching out anyway.
I've been put on propanalol, but I don't trust my Dr at all so I"m not taking it until they get me someone else to see, she gave me someone else's test results over the phone - results to do with something I have PTSD about! Its not safe for me to take anything she's prescribed.
I had a meltdown on the phone to my manager yesterday, she's been really kind and knows how much pressure I'm under and is doing all she can to help me - but we're a small and struggling business (there's 5 of us, one is furloughed, one is brand new, one is freelance and we've had to cut down her hours, and then there's me and my boss) and so I'm doing a lot. But I'm making mistakes, and I beat myself up for that.
The last 2 people to take time off for anxiety didn't come back, and I love my job so much, I'm reluctant to take time off. Plus when I do, I don't relax, I worry.
I moved house just before lockdown, my first time living alone, I have 2 new pets, my whole job has changed, I've not had a hug in 10 weeks, NONE of my usual releases or wind downs are an option because of lockdown, I'm not sleeping - of course things are going to be hard. Of course I'm going to make mistakes and thats okay but it doesn't feel it.
I have zero proper support, my GP said I could be referred to IAPT (Improving Access to Pyschological Therapies) - who have rejected me because I'm not stable enough, or CHMT - who have rejected me because I'm not unwell enough for them. If I were to make an attempt on my life I'd be put on a waiting list (my GP's actually words!!) - so there's no option for me. I'm just on my own.
I'm not sleeping, eating is hard, I have NO focus, I mowed half the grass and got distracted so its just half done, I can't watch anything longer than about 15 minutes because I get distracted.
I've made myself a list of things I have to do each day, things like "open the curtains" or "wash up" - not difficult things, but things I'm finding difficult to do.
I don't know what I want from this but I'm struggling.