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Old 13-09-2014, 03:09 PM   #1
xxlittlepixiexx
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Contains abuse - Not sure if it abuse....but my family and friends think it is

It has been years since I have been on this website and I have never posted in this forum...

a little about me... Im 25years old, I suffer with depression, emotionally unstable personality and anorexia....

I was abused as a child and not by a male.. not many know that... only 2 people in my life know about that...
maybe people are drawn to people that have been abused before because when I was 20 years old I had a boyfriend... and lost my virginity just before my 21st. I met him online and he seemed lovely.. he understood my illness - mainly anorexia at that time and even visited me in hospital, things slowly changed.. started to feel I was used for sex and one weekend I knew for sure it wasn't right... I was tighed up for 3 days in his bedroom, only allowed downstairs when his grandmother had cooked dinner which he would force me to eat large amount. being servely anorexic made this time even more awful. I carried on seeing this person because I believed it was what I Deserved.. until it all got too much and I had a miscarriage... and my parents finally found out about everything...
I tried to move on but still grieve for the baby I never had...

Ive been with my current boyfriend for nearly 3 and a half years, he knew my family as he worked with my dad from the age of 16, we started dating when I was 22, (he is 9months older) he actually lost his virginity to me ... things were going well.. still are - I think... he has drug and alcohol problems and isn't very accepting of my own demons and never talks about it...

my close friends and family think he is abusing me.. emotionally, mentally.. he has hit me once but they do not know that...
I feel like he controls all situations.. when we see each other, what we do, what we watch, what we eat.. he has never met my closest friends and believe I shouldn't be friends with them as they are people I met through hospital (they are my closest dearest friends and I love them and need them as otherwise I would e more alone then I already am)
I love him with all my heart ... but I feel like I need him too... to feel secure, to feel like a real person..

im so sorry for this long essay but I get scared my friends and family and tiring of my "moaning"
I just need an outlet and maybe someone to talk to?

im sorry again if I have gone on...




xxxbeckyxxx
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

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Old 16-09-2014, 05:19 PM   #2
ModestMolly
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hiya,
i'm sorry to hear you've gone through so much. i can understand how from being in a similar relationship in your past relationship that your current relationship seems confusing. obviously he is better than your first boyfriend but that does not mean it is the way you should be treated or what you deserve. i think the fact that he hit you and you didn't tell anyone shows deep down that you know something is wrong. perhaps talking to someone outside of your friends and family such as a doc would help you gain another perspective?
i think you need to remember that you are so valuable. you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.
*sends hugs*

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Old 20-09-2014, 07:13 PM   #3
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http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/worried-about-abuse

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Old 20-09-2014, 10:25 PM   #4
Patent Pending
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Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear you've been through so much. It's natural for someone who's been through so much to keep worrying about the people in your life. I find myself doing the same thing having gone through abusive relationships.

I would also like to extend my sympathies for the loss of your pregnancy, it is okay to still be grieving, I've been through it and I am also still grieving, it hurts and it will always be with you, but it eases a little with time.

It can be very hard to be with someone who is struggling with drug/alcohol problems, I believe my boyfriend is an alcoholic and it makes things more strained.

The link Sammy sent above can be really helpful to help you think logically about the situation and the things you're concerned about. I would say that's a good starting point for you.

Unfortunately, as none of us know you or your boyfriend, we can't tell you whether he's abusing you - but what matters is how YOU feel about the things he does and how the relationship is.

You don't need someone to make you secure or a person. You are a person in your own right. You deserve to be happy and healthy. Sometimes that means making some tough decisions.

One thing I will say though, is that NO ONE has the right to hit you. I think you know deep down that's wrong, and that he shouldn't have done it. It can be a warning sign of how things are boiling below the surface.

Is there anyone neutral you could talk to about it? Such as a doctor or an organisation which specialises in abuse/relationship advice? There may be a women's refuge which could help you work through how you're feeling.

If you ever want to chat with someone in a very similar situation, please feel free to PM me. I'm always around with a listening ear.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 14-10-2014, 06:00 PM   #5
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Seems like to me u just want to be understood and not being taken advantage of. I agree with Modest Molly with speaking to someone outside ur circle like a doctor or a helpline calle d The Smartians.

You may need someone to talk to when things get hard. You have so much to deal with that u havent thought about urself and ur mental health. If ur bf loves u then he would respect ur space right now and if ur friends were true friends they would be there for u.

Do u go to college or anything? You could speak to a counseller at ur local college or think about seeing one.

I hope that helps x

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