I have a four year old and a 15 month old. Pre children mental illness was so much 'easier' because I could indulge myself - either in my destructive behaviours (staying up late, self harming, ending up in hospital etc), or my self pity (staying in bed, eating whatever I wanted, wearing whatever I wanted).
Now life is so much more structured. In one way (the biggest way) it's better, because I work to a routine, we're up at 6.30am, we have to have breakfast, have to get dressed and brush teeth and go to school, come home, wash up, do lunch, wash up, go back to school. Plus extracurricular activities, play dates, soft play with friends, toddler groups etc. We are super busy all the time and I have to be a functioning member of society for that, which is great, as it forces me to function.
But sometimes it's so hard. I just want to revert to being a lazy slob. I want to run away to a B&B and stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. I don't want to have to wipe other people's bottoms and wash up and cook three times a day.
I can relate to what you have said. I don't have kids but have other life commitments that take priority over indulging in my mental health. Like you said it is good that forces you to be a functioning member of society but it is so hard.
The only thing that I find helps is to schedule in some time where I can feel sorry for myself. I don't know how realistic this is for you but I find an afternoon to myself once every couple of months can make a difference.
Today was the last day if school, I had a grumpy baby and a day full if appointments. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and sulk.
I just keep telling myself one day they will leave the nest and I'll be lost then beat myself up for those self indulgent moments.. Tho with that said, mumma does need time for herself! Have you had some if that lately? It's Xmas too, a strenuous time if year for anyone
Relating for muchness. Partner same requirements. Screw it. I wanna act like I feel. But no, gotta be responsible.
I'm away all week due to work (have to be responsible) then come home to be on duty cos he's had her all week by himself. Still have to cook half the time and clean. Current gripe is he don't rinse the dirty nappies (regretting cloth nappies now because of this. Wish she would just toilet train already)
I'm exhausted. Utterly so. And we all know that makes everything worse.
Let me know if you figure out how to make time for yourself.
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
I can really relate I've got a 4 year old and a 10 month old and its hard when you feel rubbish but you can't indulge in your issues.
I met a friend recently who I hadn't really seen since before my first son and they kept sayin how I've changed so much and how "normal" I am. I found this really strange and kind of hard to hear. I have changed and I do cope but I HAVE to cope or I loose my children, I haven't got the ability to overdose, run away, scream shout or it will effect my children's life.
I get a bit jealous when I come on here and I see people "indulging" in negative behaviours because most of the time I would bloody love to just lie in bed all day or not eat/overeat and damage myself in other ways but I can't because it would teach my children that is normal and as much I want to do those things or to have a break from being an adult, it isn't nice to feel that way and I don't want my children to want to do those things...if that makes sense?!
I know what you mean about feeling like you will regret thinking/feeling like you want alone time because it probably feels like yesterday you were having your first baby and how much they have grown and how fast and quickly they have changed so you don't want to waste a minute of it. I honestly don't have an answer for this because I beat myself up about it about it everyday but I guess all I can say is you have no need to feel guilty for thoughts or feeling or even some actions. You are a human you arnt just mummy and maybe you're kids seeing you a bit sad (I'm not saying like wailing but just sad) then that is ok after all it's an emotion and emotions are healthy and children's need to learn they can feel sad/anger it isn't bad as long as they can process and let go.
I feel your pain fellow mummy! Just remember you are a mummy but you are also you. Give yourself a break, take a deep breath, keep going.
I'm so glad I saw this thread; it finally makes me feel less alone.
I want to "indulge" in dangerous things as well but then they'll take the 1 year old away from me and as much as I wish I could take time off for myself to recover a bit she's also pretty much the best part of my life & I'd hate to lose her even temporarily.