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Old 23-02-2016, 07:01 PM   #1
little-elf
~You bleed just to know you're alive~
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Wales, UK
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Returning vet *SI* *Triggering*

I suppose firstly it's a hello again to all the vets!

I've been gone for a while as when I got to around 1-2 years free, I found I could be less and less helpful on the forum due to being quite triggered by threads.

After around 4.5 years free, I slipped up May last year. Thought it'd be just a one off - after all, I was in a job I enjoyed with a company I loved, I was engaged, we'd bought a house together and spent a year making it ours, just rescued a dog, we were due to be married the following year and were planning on starting to try for kids after the wedding.

Then a few months later I split with my then fiancee when he revealed he hadn't loved me, rather "my potential" and that he "couldn't face wasting another 3 years waiting" for me to live up to that potential. I lost my home that I'd put hours of blood, sweat, tears and dreams into and had to move into a friend's house with my dog as they had a spare room.

I managed this without slipping again; after all I'd been through this before, and at least this time I had by fur baby so I didn't leave with nothing. Unfortunately, despite being home alone less, my dog did not settle into my new home (not sure if it was just the upset or he didn't like the housemates or a combination) and after trying out different ways to try and settle him, I heard from my next door neighbour that any time he was alone, he was barking/crying/howling from the minute we left until the minute we got home. So with a heavy heart I had to return him to the rescue. That broke me. I cried for around 6-7 hours until I fell asleep exhausted. Then woke up and cried more. Then I couldn't take the guilt and the sorrow anymore and I cut.

I can't say that every single aspect in my life fell apart - the one that didn't was work. I got promoted - twice - and am now working in an amazeballs job .

Throughout all this my anxiety was going crazy and I had to take a few weeks off work. But I kept on rolling, and focussing on work as it was going well and for a time things seemed to not pick up, but certainly balance out and I became more even. Again I put the slip up down as a one off.

Then Christmas arrived. With no excuses available as to why I couldn't spend Christmas back with family, for the first time in a decade, that's where I had to go. it was horrible. Being back in that house, being around them at Christmas was just a reminder of how many things that should have been happy they destroyed for me. The not so subtle hints about me being a failure. Talk about how disappointed they are that there's no longer going to be a wedding. Those 4 days emotionally drained me.

I went back to work between Christmas and New year, but after one day I retreated completely. I didn't leave the house for 2 weeks. 3-4 weeks into this, my housemates told me they were moving back in with parents and I had a few weeks to find a new place to live. Instead of planning to go back to work, I cut again. Determined to limit the damage I was doing, I made myself stay small and shallow. I told myself "this is it".

Around this time, I got talking more and more with who is now my partner. He was like a breath of fresh air in my life. We started talking on the phone more and more regularly and ended up becoming an item shortly after. He's aware of my MH issues and also the SH and is really understanding over it.

So after an increase in my meds, managing to not end up homeless, with the amazing support of my boyfriend, I felt ready to get back to work. Had meetings, a phased return was put into place and I felt ready to come back to the world - albeit anxious due to being away for 6-7 weeks.

I had my first day back and it went great - I laughed at myself for being so worried - the people I work with are amazing and as I've always been open about my MH were aware and supportive of me. I went home that day relieved - finally life is getting back on track! And fell soundly asleep that night feeling more content and in control than I had in months.

Then 3am I woke up in excruciating pain so bad I just lay there crying until my bf managed to feed me some codeine so I could be coherent. I have a hip condition, and long story short I got taken into hospital by ambulance and ebbed up staying in for a week dosed up on morphine.

I got released last Thursday on crutches and went back to work today (which again went great). The problem I have is that since I cut last I keep having the thought that I didn't do enough because I limited to shall, shallow cuts. And after getting admitted to hospital it's gotten louder and harder to ignore. I ordered a scalpel whilst I was in hospital and it arrived yesterday. I ordered it because I think it's inevitable I'm going to cut deep and want to make sure it's with something sharper instead of a knife so it's a cleaner cut.

Can't at the moment as my bf is here all week, but I don't know if I can hold this back.



In The Wake Of All The Terror And The Hell, I Am Constantly Reminded All The Crosses That I Bear.
You want to see me burn, I am living fire. You will know me by the scars I bear.
See the pain in my eyes See the scars deep inside My God, I'm down in this hole again.
Everyone's asking questions No place is safe I'll forfeit resurrection To escape the pain I hate my life.
Eye'm sorry eye'm ugly, eye'm failing eye'm angry, eye'm fuct up eye'm different

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Old 24-02-2016, 08:55 PM   #2
little-elf
~You bleed just to know you're alive~
 
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Took a step tonight and told my boyfriend that I've been feeling that I'm going to cut again and told him about the scalpel, but I couldn't give him the scalpel, I've hidden it as I don't feel I can let go of it - there's a feeling of inevitability



In The Wake Of All The Terror And The Hell, I Am Constantly Reminded All The Crosses That I Bear.
You want to see me burn, I am living fire. You will know me by the scars I bear.
See the pain in my eyes See the scars deep inside My God, I'm down in this hole again.
Everyone's asking questions No place is safe I'll forfeit resurrection To escape the pain I hate my life.
Eye'm sorry eye'm ugly, eye'm failing eye'm angry, eye'm fuct up eye'm different

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Old 25-02-2016, 08:27 AM   #3
Eir
ignoring the cacophony
 
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Australia
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Well done for reaching out. Even if if you can't give up your tools., telling someone is a big step.



...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull

No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer

Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~

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Old 29-02-2016, 05:50 PM   #4
little-elf
~You bleed just to know you're alive~
 
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Location: Wales, UK
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I failed



In The Wake Of All The Terror And The Hell, I Am Constantly Reminded All The Crosses That I Bear.
You want to see me burn, I am living fire. You will know me by the scars I bear.
See the pain in my eyes See the scars deep inside My God, I'm down in this hole again.
Everyone's asking questions No place is safe I'll forfeit resurrection To escape the pain I hate my life.
Eye'm sorry eye'm ugly, eye'm failing eye'm angry, eye'm fuct up eye'm different

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Old 29-02-2016, 10:14 PM   #5
raining_inmyhead
 
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Location: Lost
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Hugs... I read your post, I don't have many words but I read it and understand *hugs* please take care of you x



“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”


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