Distressed. I'm sorry.

[UnanimousAnonymous]

This may be long and rambling and may not make sense because I am distressed and feeling hopeless.

My 'care' coordinator finally came to visit today after not hearing from him for over a month. This was because the support worker who I see was worried yesterday.

Now, for two months I have said part of my worries (a major part) is finances as I have had no income for 3 months, even the crisis team said they would email him two months ago because they said he should be supporting me in finding out what financial help I am entitled to whilst I am unable to work. He has done NOTHING. I raised this with my support worker every week and yet there still was nothing done, which is why I have had to return to work even though I am still really struggling. Now I am getting final notices and letters from collection companies and my pay for this month is not even going to get me out of my overdraft. I have NO money at all. NONE. I cant even set up payment plans because I have no money.

Then he says I should go back on my medication which I stopped taking due to anxiety over weight gain, he said to go to the doctors and get my meds changed if necessary - but I CANT AFFORD THE PRESCRIPTION AS I HAVE NO MONEY.

Anxiety has been awful, this week I have been in a serious depressive state. I am overdosing on laxatives and other pills on a daily basis since leaving hospital. No news on any further support or therapy. I definitely cant access ED services because I am nowhere near their BMI criteria.

And when I have been at crisis point out of hours, I cant call crisis team and now have to go through this single point of access who on both occasions that I have called have just told me to go to sleep (really fucking frustrating when i have chronic insomnia) and that they will email my care coordinator.

Yesterday when my care coordinator called to arrange to see me, he said about sorting out something with crisis team but today, when i tried to discuss it, he wasnt interested and said he had to go. He then tried to blow his own trumpet and say him and my support worker were supporting me and I said they werent and that it was all so fucking pointless because NO ONE HAS LISTENED TO ME. Not when I have said about the lack of sleep or my financial worries or the anxiety or the problems with food. I am told to write a diary, which i do anyway, I am told to go out on runs when I am too fucking exhausted and I have a tendency to over exercise. I am told they will look into things and then never hear about it again.

So I am stressed and anxious about work and finances. I have tried to ask for support in these areas and when in crisis have asked for help but I feel like I have gotten nowhere and after this mornings visit from my care coordinator, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts.

I have pills right here, I have been sobbing all morning. I literally cannot take it anymore. I have fucked everything up, failed at everything in life and I cannot see a way forward. I am plagued by painful memories and flashbacks and I cannot tell you how much I hate myself. I even tried to jump off of a bridge in the early hours of the morning the other week but was so drugged up and drunk I couldnt climb the barrier and yesterday I nearly drove to the coast and the only reason I didnt was because the effects of the laxatives had kicked in.

I dont know where to go from here. I dont have anyone or anywhere to turn to. I have tried so hard to pick myself up and move on and get back to work but just when I think I am keeping my head above the water, the current starts pulling me back under.

[wr3ck3d]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation, I can certainly relate to some of what you are going through. I don't have the answers to your problems - I have plenty of my own - but just want to offer some support. If you need someone to rant to or share your problems with then I'm here if needed. You're not a failure, you're just going through a difficult time and have done really well to get back to work despite everything that has been going on.

I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be when you feel like you are not being listened to by the people meant to be providing support to you. I've just been discharged by my local crises team and they were pretty hit and miss. There may be some charitable organisations in your area which may be able to provide you with some financial advice. I visited a place like this for a while due to my depression and they offered to help me apply for financial assistance, as well as, offering support in other areas.

I'm sure things will improve for you, it just might not seem like it now and may just take a bit of time. Try and be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up too much, I know it's easier said than done, I struggle with this myself. Stay safe.

[Amaranth]

I don't know if you're uk based but if you are you could go to a citizens advice bureau, they can tell you what financial support and benefits you could be entitled to, and with a lot of benefits you can get an exemption card so you don't have to pay for prescriptions. They would probably also have details of any charitable organisations that might be able to help you out.

[Diesel]

Don't worry too much about the collection companies. Many moons ago I used to work in council tax recovery and any agreement of repayment was accepted, £5 a week for example. As long as they are getting money back they should be OK with things. Best of luck, keep going.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs I'm low on words but I'm so sorry you are hurting xx

[UnanimousAnonymous]

Thank you guys, I will come back to reply properly later as my head is pounding this morning but I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I'm a little calmer this morning so I hope I may be able to think things through a little more rationally.

[Wonderland.]

I am glad you are feeling a little calmer today. If you feel you need more support from your team, perhaps talking to your GP would be an option.

[Aubergine]

I'm really glad you're feeling a little calmer today. How has it been for you? I hope your head is feeling better. Thinking of you.