Triggering (SI) - Is recovery all its made out to be?

<3Danni<3 · 12-11-2008, 01:54 AM

This is going to sounds bizarra, but recovery is it all good?
Iv recovered or i thought i had. The self-harm has stopped completely and i want to feel proud but i dont. I just feel this great sense of loss because as times gone on since my last cut and as the counselling has progressed iv changed, as a person iv changed ALOT.
I actually dont like who iv become i prefere who i used to be. The Danielle that if my name was mentioned people knew me, i was the one that came to school drunk or said exactly what was on her mind, never let anyone talk to her wrong because she was perminantly angry and waiting to snap at the first person who spoke to her. I had personality and people liked me for it, jealous even that i could be so bold and not care what other people sore or didnt see.
My SH was never public that was mine but other than that everyone knew i had problems, and i was left to do my own thing.
Since the SH stopped iv become this quite girl, never in trouble, started college where nobody knows what i was like before, so nobody's noticed its not me and iv lost my personality, i blend into the background now, im boring and dull, dont want to go out partying because im scared of what happens when i drink.
I get drunk and ill be honest ill sleep with anyone and i never used to care what i did while drunk or what danger i might have been in, just so long as i was having fun at the time. Now im too scared to drink anything because im scared id get myself into something dangerous. This might seem like a good thing i understand danger and alcohol wise it is but its the change in personality im focused on.
I split from my abusive boyfriend last May and we are still awaiting cort dates all this time later, but also the damage he's done to me is starting to show. He's not even in my life anymore and im scared to do the things that made me me because of him because he's made me believe so firmly that im worthless and that i cant behave like that.
I was worth so much more before i meet him, whatever problems i had back then i faced them and i had fun did things with my life, now its all about uni and working and boring old day in day old crap and im scared ill never find the me that my ex has buried and that nobody else will ever get to meet the real me, that ill never get to see the real me again.
My counselling stops next months im all better apparently.
Do i sounds better??
Have i gone for good??
Is this really what recovery is like??
Will i always be under my X's emotional control??
I just dont get any of it and i ignore it and refuse to think about it because im so scared of the depression grabbing hold of me again, but tell the truth i think its too late i think its got me already.

i need your help with this one guys i just dont know what to do

SecretMe · 12-11-2008, 02:11 AM

I think the best and the most honest answer I can give you is that yes recovery is a good thing, but it isn't easy and doesn't come all at once. It is a process. Change is hard. Letting go of those old coping skills like cutting can make you feel a loss because it is almost like an old friend or relationship (even if it was a dysfunctional or harmaful one) and you are trying to learn to live without it and find something positive to replace it. Once you do and become more comfortable with it, it will get easier and you will feel stronger and more proud of yourself.

When you are dealing with issues of self-esteem, abuse, and not having alcohol in your life anymore that is also a complicated issue and it is no wonder you feel conflicted. You are basically trying to learn to speak out, be out-going, have fun, learn to love yourself, but without all the tools you used to use like alcohol and the like.

It's damn hard. Of course it is easier to drink.... but you wouldn't feel better about yourself if you did that either.

Just try to be patient with yourself is my advice. Be gentle, take small steps, try to have some self-compassion, and give it time... Also if you have a professional in your life that is helping you be honest with them about how you are feeling and why.

You are worth the journey of recovery and health. You deserve to feel good about yourself, not to hurt your body or yourself in any other way when you have hurt enough alreaday, and you should have time to adjust and learn new skills and things that do make you feel good about yourself.

Maybe you think this is all nonsense, or it's hard to believe, but I have been through a lot of the same things. Our stories may be somewhat different, but I have felt some of the very same feelings during my fight to change my life for the better.

You also have support. Don't ever forget that. You aren't alone. We are here for you any time. PM me if you ever want to talk please.

*hugs*

Take care and hang in there.....

Sometimes Crazy · 13-11-2008, 02:07 PM

*holds your hand gently*

Sweetheart, if you don't feel strong enough to cope on your own and you don't feel 'better' - tell somebody.

I understand the feelings of still being emotionally controlled by your ex from my own experience, but I'll talk more on that with you in PM if you wish to.

When self-injury becomes your coping method (as is drinking/EDs/etc.) losing that coping method without dealing with what made you need to use that method can bring about a sense of loss. Does that make sense to you, honey?

What underlying feelings do you think you would need to address in order to help feel better?

<3Danni<3 · 14-11-2008, 01:10 AM

im just an absolute mess at the moment,
he's got a new girlfriend and no one wants me because there scared of him.
i love him still but its over, i cant get past the love i have for him even dispite everything iv been threw and am still going threw because of him. i pyhsically shake at the mention of him and have nightmares about him coming back and hurting me and yet i love him. If he was to walk threw the door id be scared for my life but when hes not here he' all i think about i miss him, love him.
nothing makes sense to me anymore and i have no one to turn to, im being signed off my counselling next months because im too old to be there now and mum thinks im getting better. Shes so proud i dont want to have to tell her im not, it'll break her heart.