Contains abuse - I thought I'd be better by now

[Puck]

Yet I don't know what to do with this pain. It's like my stomach doing flips so much it constantly hurts, I'm angry, so angry and in pain. I am currently reducing my antipsychotic because I have drug induced Parkinson's. But my mood has just plummeted I don't know if it is related or just circumstances I have all my memories of my abuse (I suppressed them after not being believed, after banging into a perpetrator in January I lost time and was overloaded with information) and get regular flashbacks. I've also been investigated for cancer which thankfully was negative. And I'm in my second year of a degree and work and exams are intense, I'm so behind.

I have to have a smear done and the only experience of sexual activity was my two assaults so I'm scared it'll take me back and I won't be in the doctors surgery anymore. My gp is doing it instead of a nurse and she's so kind to me but I just think she'll never see me the same way again. See me as my abuser did.

I just hate everything about my life right now, I see and feel no hope, I just want to be swallowed whole by the earth and disappear. I hate how I feel, I feel uncomfortable in my skin I want to peel it off and fly away. I've started self harming again, I can't seem to stop myself. I don't care. My fear is my mum will find out and I'm 25.. 25?! Not a teenager anymore and yet I have the same anxieties. I thought I'd stop, i thought I'd find myself and see worth in my being by now but I don't, I hate myself just as much as I did then.

I don't know what to do with all this, I'm reaching out here because I came here all those years ago and was understood and supported, I have faith in this community. I am sorry if I have upset anyone, I didn't know where else to turn.

[one_step_closer]

I am so sorry you're going through such difficult things. I'm glad you have reached out here and I hope it has at least helped you to write things down. Who is helping you with the antipsychotic reduction? It would probably be a good idea to let them know how you're feeling, whether it is related to the reduction or not. You have a lot going through your mind, is there anyone you talk to? I hear your pain and anxiety and feelings of hopelessness. Do you have a disability advisor at uni who can maybe arrange something to support you at uni? You say that you thought you'd be better by now, can you identify anything that has improved or changed positively for you? It's a long journey working through trauma and dealing with the things life brings up but things do change. I really hope you feel better soon.