This is probably going to seem ridiculous considering that I'm in my mid-20s and haven't lived with my parents for a good 6 years or so, but I'm kind of struggling.
My Dad announced on Tuesday that he's leaving my Mum after 26 years of marriage and about 35 years of a relationship. He says that over the past two years he's twice put down deposits on flats but bottled it at the last minute, it's just that this time he's really going to go.
He claims that there's no-one else, but I'm 99% sure he's had an affair in the past, I don't really want to go into details here, because I don't think it's important.
My Mum is completely burying her head in the sand, she just keeps saying it'll be okay, and can't accept that it might not be. She doesn't want him to go. Despite everything.
Anyway, I can't quite deal with the fact that this is happening. I don't know what to do, I've always been closer to my Dad, but I hate what he's doing to my Mum. I've tried to be sensible and mature and say that I just want them to be happy, and I'll support them as best I can, but I hate that whatever happens one of them is going to be miserable. My Dad, if he stays and my Mum, when he goes. I feel like whatever I say or do is going to be hurting one of them.
I also feel really responsible, because my Dad, when he was telling me why kept going on about "difficult times and pressures with the family", I know that I put them through hell in the past, when I've been ill and when I've just been being a dick and I can't stand the thought that I could still be responsible for everything going wrong for them now.
I'm sorry this is long and rambling and pathetic, I just wondered if anyone had any advice on dealing with parental break-up and coping with upsetting people you love, no matter what you do.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I'm sorry to hear this. I'm in my mid twenties too and dealing with my parents seperation too so know exactly where you are coming from. I'll reply properly later as in currently at work, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and it is not your fault that they are separating.
Thank you. I'm sorry you're facing this too, but I really appreciate your response.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
The first bit of advice I can give you is to try to not allow your parents to put you in the middle of the whole situation.
Secondly make sure you have a support network for yourself, even though you are an adult parental break ups are hard to deal with. It is going to take time to accept fully.
Finally, depending on how close you are to your parents, it might be worth looking into support for them. I know my mum really fell apart after my dad left her, I tried to support her but obviously it put me in a difficult situation, I offered to help her find some counselling and it has really helped her. Would that be something that you could look into?
Hope some of this helps. If you ever need a rant about it my inbox is open.
My parents separated when I was 20. I am 24 now, and their divorce came through at the beginning of the year. My dad initially moved out and told us he needed space. He never moved back home, and it came out a year or two later that he'd been having an affair. He's still with her now.
Although they are divorced, things still aren't sorted. They're going to court next month to sort out finances.
I won't lie, it's been hard. I still live at home, so I've been living with my mum and brother. I see first hand how it's affected my mum. She was knocked hard at first, but she's really changed for the better as a result. She went back into employment after 20 years as a housewife and she became much more independent.
Though my relationship with my dad has suffered. I still love him, but I don't like what he's done to our family. Because he's not around much, it's harder when I do see him as he feels more like a friend instead of my dad.
It's been hard throughout the divorce as my mum would tell me everything. I felt quite bogged down trying to make sense of it all, and support my mum whilst trying to keep my own head above the water.
I'm sorry that you're going through a similar situation. If you can, try not to get involved too much. You shouldn't be put in a position where you have to take sides, or that you feel like you're being offloaded on.
I can relate, as shortly before my dad started the affair and left, I put the whole family through immense stress by my self harm and suicide attempts and being sectioned. I know I'm partly responsible for what happened.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Thank you guys. It's really helpful just to know that people have felt similar, even if I don't like the fact that they've been through it too.
I'm struggling to be coherent at the moment. I told my friends the other day, and they all acted like it was the worst thing in the world. I know they're trying to be supportive, but in my group of friends from home, everyone's parents are still together and we've all kind of bumbled along in a "we're happy, it'll never happen to us" sort of a way. I just feel so ridiculous because parents separating is such a common thing, and I should be so grateful that I've had a pretty together, comfortable upbringing.
I don't know. I just feel really confused and conflicted, but I really appreciate your responses and advice.
Last edited by what_the? : 25-08-2013 at 10:43 AM.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Oh Claire, I'm sorry to hear this, and I'm sorry I really have nothing useful to add but I'm thinking of you and hope you're doing as okay as possible.
There really isn't any way that you 'should' be feeling, and it isn't ridiculous at all to be upset - or whatever you do feel at any point - by this. It doesn't matter how common it is, it is still a big thing to have to deal with, even if you are an adult and don't live with your parents. That doesn't change how you feel about them.
You're not responsible though. I know me saying that probably doesn't help much. I can relate a lot to feeling responsible for my parents problems (though they're still together) but they are adults and how they deal with things and the decisions they make are THEIR responsibility. It is not your fault that you were unwell.
Look after yourself love x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Im sorry to hear that your parents are seperating. Mine seperated when i was three, im only sixteen now, and you probably dont want to hear advice from a kid, but i thought id try to help. Anyways my parents have never really gotten along, but its gotten easier ove rthe years to handle. Like it wa ssaid up above, if your mom takes it hard, maybe you could try and find a counseler for her to see if you dont want to get stuck in the middle. And trust me, being stuck in th emiddle, is not something you want to be. But again, im sorry to hear that your parents are splitting, my inbox is open if you need to talk. Xx
Sometimes perfection means being a little messed up.~
Thank you for all your advice and validation of my feelings. I really appreciate it.
I'm still really struggling to process what's happened. It's made me really question everything from growing up and the last few years, like were they happy when I thought they were, or were they just faking it so I didn't kill myself?
I can't get past the fact that this is my fault, I can't cope that I won't have a base anymore. I always thought that I'd have somewhere to go back to, but don't have that now, or at least I won't, because the house will be going on the market. I feel completely uprooted.
I also feel completely ridiculous, because it's not about me, it's about them and what's best for them, but I'm just so selfish that I can't get past my feelings. I'm trying to be there for them and not be so pathetic, but I feel like whatever I say or do upsets one of them, and I can't deal with it.
Sorry. This is ridiculous.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
You are entitled to feel what you are feeling. It is the loss of something that you have known all your life that has been a string foundation to you. It will take time to start to move on but give yourself the time to deal with it.
I'm sorry to bump this, but I'm really struggling and things are not good at all.
It turns out that my Dad isn't going to "be on his own", he's been cheating and has now, having moved out mostly on Wednesday gone away to Greece with this woman. It's completely ruined my image of him, and I feel like I've been smacked over the head with something heavy. I don't know how to support my Mum. I went to stay her this last week and she's a mess. I've never seen her like this before, she's really tearful and really not coping. She blames herself, and it's so hard to see. My sister has cut them both off, because she can't/doesn't want to deal with it and so my Mum's super upset about that as well. I really don't know what to do for the best.
I also, in an argument asked my Dad to choose between me and this woman. He's chosen her. I got a text from him, on his holiday saying essentially that he's moved on. I've always been closer to him, and this is really hurting. I know it's my fault and that I shouldn't have tried to make him choose and that I have to live with the consequences, but I guess I never thought he'd actually make the choice.
I've called in sick to work, which I never do, but I can't stop crying. I've spent most of the day searching for his new woman on facebook, and when I found her, it felt horrific. I don't know what I was looking for, but it didn't help. I feel like I'm just torturing myself, but I don't know what to do. I'm so selfish, I'm trying to plan nice things for Mum, but I can't afford anything. I'm just lost and not supporting her like I should be.
My Mum's not okay. I'm not okay and I don't know how to make any of this better. If anyone has any advice that'd be brilliant.
Last edited by what_the? : 23-09-2013 at 09:21 PM.
Reason: posted too early.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I'm sorry things seem to have gotten worse at the moment. I would suggest that you need to give your dad space before trying to contact him again. It sounds like he hasn't got a clue what he is doing.
Secondly, I think both your mum and yourself could benefit from emotional support. Is it possible for you to both approach the doctor for extra support?
Finally, your sister sounds a Lot like my brother who shut himself off from the situation to help him deal with it. It took a few months but he started helping out and stuff when he had dealt with it. It sounds like this is her way if dealing with it.
Remember it is a big changes and everything is still emotional.
Sorry to hear your mum and dad are splitting up sending you lots of hugs and cuddles. I am here if u need a friend.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Katy, I'm not sure about approaching the doctor, it's quite as me and Mum are in different cities, about 2 hours apart. I've tried to find links to support services for Mum, but she just says she has to do it on her own. I'm trying to find reasons to pop home, it's not a bad drive, and I can re-arrange work etc, but I don't want her to feel smothered.
I don't really know that me seeing the Dr. would help, I don't really do well with counselling and talking therapies etc, even very short term.
And thank you for talking sense, I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but I really feel quite lost and sad and scared and worried for Mum, and I don't process emotions that well.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
Fair enough, I also struggle to talk to people about things like this. Do you have any friends or people you could meet up with just to provide a distraction and a break from having to deal with these things alone?
From personal experience popping home a lot can become detrimental in the long term as you may unintentionally become the only form of support for your mum. This happened to me which led to a lot of issues whilst I was away at uni. The only thing is it can be difficult trying to put space between you and her and still being there for her.
With your mum looking for support herself that us great. It might be worth just messaging her every so often to encourage her to look into the support, also maybe offer to take her to her first appointment if she is wary of going alone.
