Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - june 15 2003

[perfection is a flaw]

i hate is day. i really ****ing hate it.
if anniversaries are supposed to be a happy occasion then why do i call it so?
couldnt sleep at all last night.
couldnt cut myself because i had nothing to do it with, so what did i do i ripped the ****ing stitches out of my leg. even the ones that were in the muscle... apparently they couldnt see the bone this time.... which is apperently a good thing.
so damm painful though. not to mention messy.
spent the early hours of this morning being stitched up, geting flashbacks because they made me lie there in my underwear and some random bloke had his hands all over my thighs.
why am i so stupid? it was my fault. i let it happen.
had i have been where i was supposed to be it would never have happened.
four years i really should be over it by now.
the flashbacks are really bad today.
how can this bother me so much....there is still so much of it ive blocked out.
it went on for days though....
cant even say how many men its that discusting.
im still scared theyre going to kill me... four years later.
i still have the scars they left on me... four years later.
i hate how this just reminds me of everything else....
my dad
that man
my ex... his friends
i hate what youve all done to me... taken away my
dignity
innocence
childhood
sanity
broken me
crushed my soul......
cant stop tinking about that baby...
still that baby
can even claim it as mine
that baby i lost... dead before he even came out...
that baby that i look one look at and fell in love with
that baby that has name, a very special name of someone whom i love so very much who has also left this world...
that baby has a grave... that i have never visited
because im that horrible
that baby has a birth certificate and a death certificate... dated same day
i always have them with me.........
i cant let go of you
even though you were never here...

sorry that was a bit of a rant but i needed to get it out

[helper1218]

*cuddles you close* It'll be okay sweetheart. Don't worry you can get through this. The day will be over sooner than you think and no one is really hurting you now, just memories. From now on try to do good, fun things this day so it doesn't always have such an oawful overshadowing. *more hugs* You can do it Lizzie, just keep fighting.

[Greyscale]

Hey Lizzie, I'm sorry that today is really hard for you, and trust me, I know how you feel. Things WILL get easier over time though, you just gotta remember that. You just gotta keep pushing. You have to stay strong and you have to remember that it was 4 years ago, not now. Try to ground yourself when you're having flashbacks--it helps. Try the Fun & Distractions forum or general. Just try and have some fun today like Tracie said. Maybe watch a favourite movie or read a good book.
Take care of yourself.
xx
Laura

[abba12]

yeah i agree with the others, distraction is the best for something like this. youll be ok, you have every right to be upset. anaverserys are horrible.. im sorry i cant help more

[emily.ily9]

glad you got it out.
i'm sorry about everything awful that this day reminds you of, but we're all here to help you get through it.
not visiting your child's grave does NOT make you horrible.
he is obviously in your thoughts and memories, and that is far, far more important.
take care of yourself
xemily

[bloodletting]

big hugs hun...
as above posts i think you need to get active and distract yourself for the day..do you have someone you feel safe with and close to? maybe hang out with them...
read or watch a movie..do something kind for yourself today..after all you went through you deserve that much..
and it's natural for you to grieve for the baby you lost, and you need to allow yourself to do this, no matter how much time has passed..
if you havent done it yet maybe counselling would be a good start..you need to get it out hun, or you'll never work through it..
writing it down here is a great start..
but hun at least just for today do something special for you..
i know how hard these day can be to..and i know how loss feels,, but you can and will get through it sweetie
here if ya need anything
xoxoxox

[akita]

We are all here for you sweetheart.

xxx