Am I Just a Bad Friend?

[Mystified]

I have a situation going on with my friend right now, and I just haven't figured out if I'm in the wrong or not. Usually I apologize even if I'm not in the wrong, just to get it over with, but I'm hurt this time.

It's going to be kind of a long post... but any advice would be greatly appreciated!

My friend and I have known each other for about 14 years or so. I'd say we became best friends within the last 4 years. She was my maid of honor at my wedding even.

Last year, she was in a relationship with a guy who had just gotten out of prison for domestic assault. She told me how she was giving him a chance because he said his past isn't him anymore and he was working on it. He was even on probation for a year, so he couldn't drink and that was the only time he got violent.

I gave this guy a chance too. But as soon as his probation was up, he started drinking again. He got a DUI in her car, and then also started getting physically violent with her. Finally, one night, when he was trying to choke her, she called 911 and he took off running outside. He was arrested, once more, for domestic assault.

While he was in prison, a few things unfolded. My friend got a restraining order against him. She also told me a few things that made him look even worse. His mother used to wake up in the middle of the night from him choking her. He once threw his nephew who was in a car seat across the yard. Things like that. Just pretty much how crazy he is.

She "moved on" with her life, dated another person (this one was extremely clingy), and broke up with him. The abusive ex got out of prison, but she said she wasn't planning on talking to him. Although the more we hung out, the more she brought him up. When asked, she said she wasn't talking to him.

Then came her birthday last year, when we had plans to hang out. She called me up saying that she wasn't feeling well, so we cancelled. My husband took me out for dinner, and while we were waiting to be seated, in comes the both of them!

That was the start of the downhill of our relationship. She lied to me so clearly. She came clean after that night, saying they were back together and she was moving in with him.

He's on probation now for 5 years, so he seems great because he's not drinking... or so she says.

I haven't really been able to accept him. How can I? He beat up my friend! However, I still talked through her problems with her when she had a conflict come up between the two of them (of the non-violent variety). I still gave her advice when asked. I just didn't like him. Sometimes I accidentally let a few comments slip about him. But all she ever did was laugh at it too.

I've avoided him. I've only gone to her apartment when he's not around. When I ask her to hang out with me, I don't ask him along, etc.

I did run into the both of them at Walmart a few weeks back. I stopped to talk. I didn't say hi to him, BUT HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD TO ME EITHER (and you would think he would want to make himself look better in my eyes).

Then the other night, she called me up at like 9 at night, saying her car broke down and she needed help. My husband shut off the oven that was cooking our dinner, and left, to her rescue. Turns out she needed a tow, and to get a tow, she needed money from her boyfriend. She called her dad to ask him to come pick the pair of them up. I was confused because she was already in my husband's car. So, I said, "we can give you guys a ride". She looked very skeptical and said, "no, that's okay." And I said, "no, really, it's fine." Then I added a comment, which is what caused the whole problem. "As long as he doesn't talk to me." I didn't mean he couldn't say thanks or anything. I just didn't want a huge conversation with the man. I didn't think it was a big deal. And all she said was "no, my dad will."

The next day she freaked out on me, saying that if I can't even try to accept him, then she doesn't know what our friendship is. I thought I had been trying. I've been slowly wrapping my head around the idea that she is with her abuser. I've never seeked out the opportunities to be around him. I just figured those moments would pop up. One did at Walmart, but he didn't say anything to me, so I didn't say anything to him. The next moment was the other night. If I hadn't wanted him in the car... if I didn't want to help the both of them, I wouldn't have offered. But she blocked it.

And then she accuses me of not trying hard enough.

What more was I supposed to do? Honestly! Was I supposed to invite him to hang out? I mean, seriously!

Then after I sent her a long message about the fact that I thought I was trying, etc. she says something along the line as, "I might have overreacted. It's just that he got all mad saying that if he was me, he would end our friendship because I'm more important."

So... in other words, HE SAID BAD THINGS ABOUT ME, and she turned it against me, pretty much saying I'm not trying hard enough, which is the one thing she knows kills me...

Yet, whenever I said anything bad about him, she never said anything to me about it (except for maybe laughing), and probably never turned it against him.

Now I'm stuck with a dilemma. I feel like I have 2 options, both with the same outcome. I could A) accept him. But at this point, accepting their relationship would pretty much mean that I should bow out of our friendship because that is what he wants. How can I accept him and be her friend. Wouldn't those two things be conflicting? B) I could not accept him. And therefore, my friend would not want to be my friend anyways.

The thing I'm having the hardest time with is that I completely understand that he's trying to isolate her. I get that. I don't want to be that friend who walks away from her friend who's in an abusive relationship. I want to be there for her, always. But I just don't see how I can do that.

Will someone please tell me if I'm in the wrong. Seriously. If I am, then I'll think about apologizing over everything, and maybe think of a way to show her I accept them (even though I just don't). But I feel like I'm not wrong. I feel like this is a no-win situation.

Just any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I've been losing my mind... feeling crazy and alone because of it all.

Thanks!

[Eir]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
If it's affecting your mental health walk away. You can't fix her views.
If you think you can stay in her life without it affecting you, tell her that you are concerned because of the past and what you're seeing now looks like it was. Say you'll be there for her, but you don't want to be around him, and she cannot ask for advice on him if she's not taking it seriously. And she always has your number if she needs out.
Horrible position to be in. I know it sucks. Take care of yourself first tho.

[Eir]

And what ever you end up doing, try not to feel guilty, you only have control over how you react.

[Mystified]

When she first started dating him again, after she lied to me, I just said we could stay friends but I didn't even want to talk about him. She said fine but a couple of weeks freaked out saying it wasn't working for her and that she needed to be able to talk to me about him. So I said she could...just that I didn't want to be around him. And now that's not enough either! I feel like she chose him over me, but at the same time, I feel like I'm betraying her by not wanting anything to do with him. I'm not being supportive, and I have always been supportive of everything in her life! I feel so lost. I feel like I lost one of the few people I trust(ed).

[Eir]

It's awful. The situation you are in.
It sounds like you have been trying,but she's unable or unwilling to respect your opinion, concerns and self-protective boundaries. Don't let her drag you into it.
It sounds like you need to step away, for your sake.
It is NOT YOUR FAULT she is in this situation, NOR IS IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to save her from her choices. She is your friend, not your ward. I'm assuming she is an adult, and therefore responsible for her own choices. It's unfortunate that you may have to stop seeing her, but friendship does not mean you have to support bad decisions.
Take care

[ajrocks]

I agree with Eir
I think you are not wrong at all and its a rubbish situation to be in but to accept him would be to go against your morales and it doesn't sound like you can do that-As I wouldn't be able to.
I think honesty is the best policy.I know you don't want to lose her but at the end of the day she has made her bed you have to think of yourself-if it all falls apart i'm sure she'll come running but whilst the situation is as it is I would very much be as you have been.I'm also wondering as he has a history of violence etc-is it actually even safe to be around him for anyone? I wouldn't feel comfortable in his presence so I think the best thing for you is to do what you're doing as harsh as that may seem-self preservation!
p.s Do not apologise you have nothing to apologise for! :)

[Mystified]

Thanks for you input. I still feel horrible about the situation. I miss my friend. But I just feel like I can't be who she needs at the moment. :( Thanks for confirming that I was making the right choice :)