I found out that tonight Keith went to his first debutante. He wore a tux and looks so handsome.
He really wanted to go, and of course, the girl has to ask the guy, and he got asked :)
but i broke down so bad. these are his formative years and all i get to see is pics. I want to be there to experience it with him and be the one TAKING the pics...seeing his date, etc. but im not. he didnt even call to tell me. but he told my sister which was hurtful.
however, i really wanted to see pics of him and my aunt said that would be up to him to put them on FB. so i asked her to please add me for 5 minutes cuz she had one pic of him on her page. she actually said she would add me for good which was surprising. she did say to not curse or post offensive material cuz her co-workers and boss are her friends..i suppose she meant not to post anything on her wall since thats the only way they could see it.
im very grateful to her for adding me back since i can see alot more of Keith that way.
i guess i dont have much to say. ive cried for 2 hours...went to sleep and had a nightmare.
im really low. my dad died 5 years ago on the 6th of this month. monday will be hard. i just cry. feeling a bit suicidal but wont do it.
things seem to hit all at once making it hard to deal with one thing at a time.
Rach I'm not really sure what to say. It sounds like your aunt is trying with you which is obviously fantastic! I think you may be being a little too self obsessed re Keith though. I don't mean that horribly but at the end of the day he needs to live his life. You are still his mom and that will never change. Beating yourself up about not being there in person is not only unhelpful to you but also to him. You can never take away the fact you are his biological Mum, the same as my parents can never take away the fact they are my parents. Their self indulgence re what they wish our relationship was is actually what killed it. I still loved them
but feeling they were more focused on their own woe than how it my have effected me, even when things were ok is what hurt most. There is a fine balance between letting yours kids know you love and miss them and making them feel responsible for your depressive feelings.
I take offense to what you said. Keith has no clue how depressed I am. I don't blame him at all for my feelings. I am over the top with joy and happiness for the life he has. I sacrificed my own happiness for his. But I would never let him know that.
This wasnt the time for a kick up the butt...I needed support, not a lecture.
sorry if this this was harsh and I love you to pieces...but I'm not in a place for yet another guilt trip.
Rach I don't think what Em said was meant as a guilt trip, and I think part of why you took it as that is you know what she said is true.
Lets look at the positives, Your son who you adore got asked by a girl to go to a dance and as a result your aunt (who you clash with majorly) is adding you back on facebook, not for five minutes but for good!
You heard this news and, whilst you feel like crap, you are holding on!
You are coming up to a major anniversary in your life which is making like hard(er) but, again, you are holding on!
You underestimate how strong you are. Yes it is incredibly hard for you to know that Keith is going through this without you right there. But know that if you hadn't had the strength in the first place to ask your aunt and uncle to take him in and raise him, things could be very very different. Kaleb is not a replacement for Keith and I know that. But he can use all the love you have in your heart. Keith will always love you. Always. Things are different yes. But never doubt that what you did was the greatest and hardest decision that you will ever have to make in your life. And you made it for the best and most wonderful person in your life!
I love you rach. You have come through so much.
Head down, middle finger up, and march forward.
F*ck the world sweetheart! You can do this.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Hey hun, I hope you dont mind me posting on here.
All I wanted to say was that youve described this as the 'most painful news about Keith in a while'. Yes it must hurt to have not been there etc. But could you turn this around and focus on the pride that you must feel that he got to go because he was asked. he sounds like hes turning into a fine young adult, something else to feel proud about. Your aunt has added you to facebook so you can see the photos etc. No its not ideal...but its still all positives.
I cant begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, but try to look at the positives so the negatives dont bring you down so much.
First off, I want to publicly apologize to Emma. I was extremely emotional and defensive when I replied. No excuse, I know and I am really sorry.
Next, I want to thank everyone for your help.
I havent been around in a while. I'm really sick. I havent been holding food down, running fever for days, bad insomnia and just physically exhausted. Also, constant headaches. I know something is wrong. I havent had a pap smear in 5 years cuz I'm so scared of that type procedure obviously.
I told my mom alot of my symptoms and for the first time in years she is really worried which really scares me. She told me they were almost the exact symptoms my other aunt had when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. she survived it which is great. I'm just really scared.
My psych started me on yet another med called lamictal. It is supposed to help stabilize mood in conjunction with the trileptal.
I am going to post some pics of Keith from the debutante on FB...so please have a look if you like.
Honey, you have no reason tk apologise to me publicly, privately or any other kind of way!
I think it is important not to jump to conclusions although I know how hard that can be when you are not feeling great emotionally or physically. A lot of the symptoms you listed, if not all can be signs of things such as stress etc as well! There are loads of things it could be and whilst it makes sense that you would be more wary of cancer signs, that doesn't mean you have it. Also what are the chances of two family members being hit by the same illness so close together? I do think you should see your doctor just to get the all clear though. There may be other signs he/she can do to rule out ovarian cancer etc that don't involve a smear test.
How are you feeling about the lamictal? I'm sure your psych said but be sure to contact them if you get a rash. Just keep an eye out hun cos although rare it can be a dangerous side effect.
I am going to have my doc run some tests and such.
yeah, my psych told me to watch for a rash. I havent gotten one. I took 25mg for 7 days and today I started 50 mg. The therapeutic dose is between 100 and 150mg so it will take a while for me to move up to that.
Rach, I am not really around these days and you are probably not going to like my reply, but I feel the need to make it, not because I want to hurt you, but because I do care and I dont like to see anybody hurting.
Keith, sounds like he has become a wonderful young man. You should feel so proud of him. At his age, he has been through a lot, but he can never match the stuff you went through, which again is brilliant. He has been safe, he has had a good bringing up and as a result he is now turning into this wonderful person, not a child anymore, but still only learning to be an adult.
The people who bought him up are the people he should feel closest too, the ones he tells things to first. They are the ones who have seen him in his most vulnerable and his best moments as well as everything inbetween. Now that dosnt mean he loves them anymore than he loves you, but it will be a differnt relationship.
He is growing up, he is no longer a child. He is not the person that wanted nothing more than to play ball games with you, nor the child who would look for acceptance and appreciation. He is instead a young adult, forming his own views about the world and how it works and how he fits into it all.
It such a hard place to be in, but you should be nothing but proud of him. Let him know you are there, let him know you support him, but also let him form his own views, let him grow up and decide how he wants your relationship to be. If he can see that you genuinly love him, not anger at his choices, then he will come round and want you in his life. But if he picks up that you are bitter about his descions then he will run.
Be proud of him rach and look after yourself, not everything is a full insult to you, try to see the world, not as an enemy, but a friend.
