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Old 22-10-2020, 12:31 PM   #21
one_step_closer
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Do you know why this happens at this time of the year? You don't need to say. I don't think you're putting your son at any kind of risk, but I know it might not feel like that.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-10-2020, 01:21 PM   #22
[Luna]
 
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I just sent this to my therapist and now I’m terrified I’ve made the wrong decision

I have been thinking very carefully about our conversation yesterday and a talk I had with J. I have decided that I want to work hard to stay here.

My thoughts on this are very torn. I feel extremely guilty and selfish going down this route because I feel I am putting people I care about, including you, at risk of horrific things. I guess my plan is to see what happens and if I feel that anyone is at imminent risk then I will carry out what the demons want me to do. It seems like now is the time to really try and bear the torment long enough so the demons and voices are either forced to show themselves to others or are shown to be liars like you say.

I feel utterly terrified about this, it feels like a massive risk and I know that because I’m saying this, they will probably up the ante and that scares me too. I can’t even promise I will keep up this resolve but I want to let you know I am willing to try.

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Old 22-10-2020, 03:29 PM   #23
Cacoethes
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You definitely did the right thing luna.
I'm really glad you want to try and stay here and I hope you can work to achieve it



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 22-10-2020, 05:52 PM   #24
[Luna]
 
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I feel so mixed. I feel scared and guilty.

I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm struggling with personal hygiene, wearing clean clothes, taking meds, eating properly, keeping up with work and relationships. It all feels so much. I can't think straight, I feel so panicky and overwhelmed all the time.

I don't know how to get my shit together.

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Old 22-10-2020, 07:38 PM   #25
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I know this is likely not useful but when things are like that for me, sometimes all I can do is just keep trying to take care of myself and follow routines as best I can and wait for it to pass. Eventually it always does. Thinking of you. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.



Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.


You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 22-10-2020, 07:59 PM   #26
[Luna]
 
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Thank you, that was helpful. I guess I'm just battling a lot of feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

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Old 23-10-2020, 03:08 AM   #27
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*hugs you*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 23-10-2020, 01:13 PM   #28
[Luna]
 
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Thank you for the hugs.

I thought I was doing a bit better this morning but then the voices got really intense, I was hearing a lot screaming and was dissociating. I ended self harming in a way thta I wouldn't usually. I'm such an idiot.

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Old 23-10-2020, 03:58 PM   #29
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You're not an idiot lovely
Does the self harm need looking at?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 23-10-2020, 04:34 PM   #30
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I don't think so but I'll get my wife to check when she gets home.

I'm feeling spacey and struggling to focus.
I feel so low.

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Old 23-10-2020, 05:33 PM   #31
Auror.
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Struggling doesn't make you an idiot. I hope your wife can check the self harm for you.

Is there anything that usually helps you to feel less spacey?



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You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 23-10-2020, 07:23 PM   #32
[Luna]
 
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I had a creative writing class online but I couldn't focus so ended up giving up and left.
I tried to listen to music, play Sims 4, watch a film (which I struggled through) and then went for a walk. I felt really spaced out when I was out, I was seeing horrible things but no one was reacting to it so I guess it was a trick.

I'm back home now and feeling drained.

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Old 23-10-2020, 07:57 PM   #33
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It sounds like you're trying really hard. Is just resting an option? Or do you need something else going on to use as a distraction?



Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.


You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 27-10-2020, 11:54 AM   #34
[Luna]
 
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Finding things hard.
Me and the family are all ill and having to isolate. It’s my dads birthday today and I have a trauma anniversary on Thursday. I won’t have therapy because of being ill so I feel a bit lost and low.

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Old 29-10-2020, 07:34 AM   #35
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How are you today?

Sending love <3





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Old 29-10-2020, 11:01 AM   #36
[Luna]
 
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Not great.
Today is the trauma anniversary and we just found out that we all have Covid.

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Old 29-10-2020, 09:16 PM   #37
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That must be devastating.
I am sorry you tested positive and hope you won't get too unwell.

I wish I had more to suggested, but all that I can think to say is to be gentle with yourself and focus on getting through one moment at a time.





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Old 30-10-2020, 10:59 AM   #38
one_step_closer
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I'm so sorry. You're were going through so much already. Please take very good care of yourself. How are you today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-10-2020, 05:42 PM   #39
[Luna]
 
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Thank you guys.
I’m feeling very low and trapped. I’m struggling with being stuck in the house. It feels like a prison.
I don’t want to be conscious.

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Old 30-10-2020, 08:24 PM   #40
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Low on words but I'm here & you're not alone *sits with you*








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