So,i posted about the abuse situation quite a long time ago and since then have still been struggling with what to do.
I spoke to someone yesterday who basically went through everything i know but with detail of the process of disclosing what happened.
I *know* i have a duty of care to report it but im just too scared?ashamed?insert a word....the person i was talking to said it wasn't a case of me not knowing what to do but a case of "finding the balls to do it".
This is very,very true.
She told me to disclose to my psychologist (even though i don't think he wants me too),then when he asks if i want to take it further,say yes.
I don't actually know what i want from this thread,maybe how you found the strength to tell someone?anything that helped you or stopped you from completely freaking out?
Any advice really,ive got until Monday to find whatever it is i need to find,as that's when i see my psychologist,after that i have a three week break which if im honest,I'll just use to convince myself,again,that nothing happened and its all my fault.
Please don't think this is your fault
It is hard to disclose to people about abuse, it took me many years to tell anyone, but that's not to say you shouldn't tell someone.
If you feel comfortable telling your therapist that is a good place to start. When I told my therapist, I didn't actually tell her, I wrote a letter with everything I wanted to say, took it to my session and read it out to her... I told her I had something important I wanted to tell her but I wrote it down, I took my time reading it to her, it felt surreal, like I was reading a story, but I was able to tell her what I needed to and we could process it after. I found it took some of the anxiety and fear away from telling her... So yeah that would be my tip - write it out and read it to them or have them read it, it could be helpful...
Take care & best of luck.
Thankyou for your reply x that's actually a really good idea,i do have part of it typed out but hadn't though about taking it and actually reading it out. I'll give it my best try,at least if i cant,its written down and i can give it him,maybe in going to have to go with "its tough if he doesn't want to talk about it",he can always pass it on to someone else i guess.
Thankyou,especially for how you went about it and its quite helpful to know it took some of the anxiety away xx
It sounds a very brave decision that you are considering discussing this with your therapist and I think writing it down in a letter sounds like an excellent idea. It's how I did a lot of my communication with staff, although initially I blurted it out whilst under the influence of their sedative drugs! The rest though I did tell them about by writing a sort of mini book of things.
I'll be honest though, it concerns me a little bit that straight after you tell your therapist she is going to be away for three weeks. Disclosing abuse takes a massive toll on you, and although it can and will bring a sense of relief to have shared it, it is likely to throw up a lot of problems, feelings and thoughts as well.
I do understand why you don't feel able to wait until after those three weeks though because of talking yourself round, but what I'm wondering is, could you perhaps come up with a safety plan of how you are going to manage those three weeks without the therapist?
It sounds a very brave decision that you are considering discussing this with your therapist and I think writing it down in a letter sounds like an excellent idea. It's how I did a lot of my communication with staff, although initially I blurted it out whilst under the influence of their sedative drugs! The rest though I did tell them about by writing a sort of mini book of things.
I'll be honest though, it concerns me a little bit that straight after you tell your therapist she is going to be away for three weeks. Disclosing abuse takes a massive toll on you, and although it can and will bring a sense of relief to have shared it, it is likely to throw up a lot of problems, feelings and thoughts as well.
I do understand why you don't feel able to wait until after those three weeks though because of talking yourself round, but what I'm wondering is, could you perhaps come up with a safety plan of how you are going to manage those three weeks without the therapist?
xxx
Thanks for replying x
Im definitely going to try the writing it all down, wish I had the guts to just say it (or read it), im working on it, I think its just the prospect of what happens afterwards. I used to write things down for people a long time ago and found it a lot easier that way, im sure with this therapist ive written something down before but he read it out.
I honestly hadnt thought about a plan for the three weeks, I hadnt thought past monday in honesty.
I do have a very good friend who i know has already said to go to hers/text/call if im struggling (which ive not done yet because im really bad at asking for help) so there's her.
I could go to work and just spend time in peoples company, which ties in with part of what im working towards in therapy.
I know I have access to my gp if he's back via email/possibly emergency appointments.
I do have a cpn but we are on a limtied contact thing as the only reason I have him is so I could access the therapy but I am seeing him the day after.
The rest of the time I have my dog, I could try walking her more, overhaul my flat or I could start decorating which ive been planning a while.
I guess its how well I handle telling my therapist because its a subject ive been running round my head for a long time and avoided anything to do with it because I cant handle just contemplating talking about it.
Hhmmm.
Maybe shouldve thought about this part. Youre right though, three weeks is a long time to go.
Thanks for your reply, youve given me something to mull over x
Try not to be hard on yourself for not being able to say it, it's a massive achievement to even consider sharing the information, in whatever form, let alone having to say the words out loud. It's all progress and in time you might find that you can speak the words a little more or a little louder but I think the important thing is breaking away from the boundaries that the abuse has put you in, where you feel you need to keep it a secret, and you need to do that through whatever means possible and writing is a brilliant way to do that.
If you would feel uncomfortable for your therapist to read this letter aloud, perhaps you could put that right at the top of your letter so that he knows straight away. Hopefully he will respect that.
I can understand not being able to plan past Monday, especially when having to deal with something so big. To be honest, it's not something I would usually plan ahead for either it's just because I have been in a situation where I disclosed abuse and straight afterwards, I really needed a lot of support from people - although at the same time I also wanted to push people away. So I guess it's just being aware of your options?
In some ways, you might find it helpful that there is a three week break after disclosing something because it will give you time to process what was said or shared, but it's just important to think about how to keep yourself safe during that time and it sounds like you have some good options, especially with your friend being around, your dog and work.
If you want to chat anytime, feel free to PM me because I can sometimes forget where I've posted and if you have any questions or just want to talk at all please do prod me!
Try not to be hard on yourself for not being able to say it, it's a massive achievement to even consider sharing the information, in whatever form, let alone having to say the words out loud. It's all progress and in time you might find that you can speak the words a little more or a little louder but I think the important thing is breaking away from the boundaries that the abuse has put you in, where you feel you need to keep it a secret, and you need to do that through whatever means possible and writing is a brilliant way to do that.
If you would feel uncomfortable for your therapist to read this letter aloud, perhaps you could put that right at the top of your letter so that he knows straight away. Hopefully he will respect that.
I can understand not being able to plan past Monday, especially when having to deal with something so big. To be honest, it's not something I would usually plan ahead for either it's just because I have been in a situation where I disclosed abuse and straight afterwards, I really needed a lot of support from people - although at the same time I also wanted to push people away. So I guess it's just being aware of your options?
In some ways, you might find it helpful that there is a three week break after disclosing something because it will give you time to process what was said or shared, but it's just important to think about how to keep yourself safe during that time and it sounds like you have some good options, especially with your friend being around, your dog and work.
If you want to chat anytime, feel free to PM me because I can sometimes forget where I've posted and if you have any questions or just want to talk at all please do prod me!
x
Thanks Tig, youre definitely right about the boundaries, in so many ways. I need to stop beating myself up or try to stop, my anxiety is through the roof but I think thats actually a good thing because up until now ive just been bouncing between saying something and saying nothing.
I looked through all my notes from my last lot of therapy and strangely had written out about most of it, dont remebere doing it but there is a lot of information scattered about in my house which is helpful. I thought is check because the person who kinda gave me the push about this said the more information I have, especially if it's dated, the better.
Thats a good idea about writing on the top of the page. Wish my brain would kick in and suggest some of these things I do need to stop trying to predict what my therapist is going to say (im convincing myself he wont let me tell him, which I guess is part of the problem).
Sorry, I ramble, a lot!
The biggest worry until now has veen that once ive told someone, I cant take it back, that what happens after is out of my hands really, thats been hard to sort of accept? Because ive used it as a reason not to talk about it. I know by saying (or handing over a written copy) that the police will then become involved but im finally more ok with that. I know I couldnt handle it if I found out it had happened to someone else and I couldve prevented it, which my therapist says isnt the way to think about it, that it wouldnt be my fault but idk, its helping me disclose so stuff my therapist for once.
If all else fails, I can come here and spam the fun threads for three weeks...im going to try my best to take care of myself, might have to take it one day at a time but im going to try.
Sorry rambling, again.
Thankyou Tig, for replying and being helpful and just listening. Xx
Sorry I disappeared. I came to reply the other day but my brain decided it wasn't going to function, I'm really sorry about that.
I was wondering how it went today, if you feel able to tell us?
Also, with regards to the police investigation, although you won't be able to take back what has been said, they should try and take it at your own pace. So if you didn't want to press charges straight away, they might keep a record of it for when you did want to press charges sort of thing.
No worries, I pretty much spent until yesterday trying to convince myself it was a good thing.
I went with the ideas I got from here, I took a typed version. I didn't read it out loud, to be honest I barely told him anuthing, I did tell him about the conversation id had with my friend about it, about the whole disclosing thing, so we discussed that and he explained what he would do, like the process things might follow? Though he spent most of the time trying to drum into me that it was a positive thing and that it would actually help him (I hadnt realised he had pretty much nothing to go off...).
Long babbling story short, I handed over what id typed amd to be honest I feel a little relieved, or I think I do, its hard to tell because a huge part of me has closed down which is a good thing in a way. Another good thing is my therapist is now in next week so there will only be two weeks I have to stay safe.
Police wise, ill try to hold on to what you said about taking things at my pace x
Thankyou for asking how it went and everything, it really helped x
Good on you for showing your therapist what you wrote, it was very brave and strong of you. I'm also glad you feel relieved for doing it. It's a very hard thing to do but you did it & it can only help you on your journey.
All the best & take care xo
Really proud of you for handing over the typed information; it's such a courageous thing to do and it's brilliant to hear that you are feeling relieved at the moment and that it has also helped your therapist.
I'm pleased he's in next week as well; at least it gives you a chance to talk about any feelings that are brought up over the next week.
Thanks Tig x
Im glad he's in next week now too, I dont think a three week gap wouldve been good just due to not knowing whats going on.
I did speak to my cpn (complicated story but I only see him once every 6 months as they wanted to let my therapist take the lead) so ive told him I may need more support and my gp.
So im just working on not freaking out or doing anything unless it consists of emailing/ringing people.
Thanks again, it was helpful, not just the advice and stuff but that someone listened x
I do need to stop trying to predict what my therapist is going to say (im convincing myself he wont let me tell him, which I guess is part of the problem).