Severely Triggering (ED) - "And I thought you were thin.." *Rant* :\
I went to my college confirmation day a few days ago and when I got back in the car with my mum, she turned around and said "I know I complain about your weight, but look at all these girls who are thinner than you."
I don't know what she expected that to do in my head, but it really kind of ****ed it up a bit more. I know most of the girls at my college are thinner than I am, I have to see them every day and feel as if I want to hurt myself so badly for not doing a good enough job.
I have friends who tell me I have an ED, but until I'm diagnosed, until I'm dragged to the doctor/hospital kicking and screaming, I don't think I can believe I have a problem when there are so many healthy looking girls who weigh less than I do, it just doesn't add up. As well as boything saying he loved my body earlier because I was curvy, however other friends saying they were worried because they could feel/see my bones
I don't know what I want, I just feel like all this is getting worse and worse. There are so many things happening around me and I'm like a secret box. I get told all these secrets and no way in hell can I let them out because it's only me who knows them. I just need my control back. I know I go about it the wrong way and I could get seriously ill, but losing weight and restricting is the only thing that makes me feel better for a while. When I put on weight, I want to die, I literally want my heart to stop beating there and then so I don't have to do it anymore.
It's too hard I don't know what I'm asking for, I haven't posted here for a while, I always feel like I have no right to, like I don't have a problem, like I should be able to sort it out by myself, but I don't feel like I can anymore.
Just some hugs would be appreciated?
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
I'm so sorry your mom said that to you, that's completely uncalled for. I understand where your coming from with this, about when you put on weight and how much it upsets you. I get the same way, and I also know what it feels like for people to say that it sounds like you have an ED, but not believe it at all, it sucks. But you won't control this..it'll end up controlling you, and it will seriously hurt you. I don't have much advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I know you feel, so your not the only one, and if you ever wanna talk, you can PM me, I know we've never talked before, but I will listen if you ever do wanna talk, or just vent, and by the way, if thats you in your profile pic, I think your really super pretty. =]
Thank you, that means a lot to me :) And yeah that is me in my picture, but the picture was taken about a year ago :P
The PM offer is very much appreciated as well :) I guess I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. :\ And before I started college last year, I was saying how I was scared I would fall back into my old ways, but I think it's safe to say I'm already there and I'm not entirely sure how to get back out again.
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Yeah. I completely understand where your coming from, I've been feeling super overwhelmed too, and it's just so easy to fall back into what your used to. I don't have much advice on how to handle it, since I'm going through the same thing kind of right now as well. Do you have any help, like professional help, to help you out of it?
I'm Nic :)
And no I don't, the thought of someone taking away the only thing I'm using to cope right now scares me more than the thought of being seriously ill. I know how sick that sounds, but I'm terrified of someone coming in and taking control of my life when that's all I've sought to do. :\
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
Your mum was very insensitive by saying what she did, however she may not have thought about what she was saying..... A bit like when worlds just tumble out without any thought.
What you posted doesn't sound 'sick', it sounds very 'Eating Disordered' though.
Why do you feel that someone will come in and take control of your life? Do you not think that by taking control and eating healthily, you'd be more in control of allowing an Eating Disorder to take control of you? If you do become very poorly, you will have control taken away from you honey, because if you get too poorly there are laws that are put into place to keep you safe and healthy.
Do you think you could talk to someone from B-eat? They have a Youthline that you could ring and speak to one of the Youth Workers? Do you think you'd feel able to do that? You don't have to give any details that you don't want too and it's confidential - unless they are worried about your safety.
Take good care of yourself. xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I'm Nic :)
And no I don't, the thought of someone taking away the only thing I'm using to cope right now scares me more than the thought of being seriously ill. I know how sick that sounds, but I'm terrified of someone coming in and taking control of my life when that's all I've sought to do. :
It doesn't sound that unbelievable or sick, cause I've felt the same way as you
*hug*
I know I go about it the wrong way and I could get seriously ill, but losing weight and restricting is the only thing that makes me feel better for a while. When I put on weight, I want to die, I literally want my heart to stop beating there and then so I don't have to do it anymore.
I don't know what I'm asking for, I haven't posted here for a while, I always feel like I have no right to, like I don't have a problem, like I should be able to sort it out by myself, but I don't feel like I can anymore.
