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Was I emotionally abused? Blindsided after bf just discarded me
So my now ex boyfriend of 3 years went MIA a day after putting a deposit down on a flat together. I was under the impression we were seeing each other that night as it was a Saturday but after ringing him twice to let him know I was setting off, it just started to go to voicemail. This was so out of character from him I actually rang his dad to make sure he'd made it back from a football match with his friends and hadn't been in an accident, where his dad informed me he had just gone to the city centre with a friend.
He sent me a text at 12am saying his battery died and his standard goodnight, I love you etc. I got through to him and basically asked what he was playing at, I thought we were seeing each other and didn't I deserve 1 text all day to let me know. He was smug and cocky on the phone, and after asking if he even wanted to be together and get this flat he said he "didn't know" so I went to his in anger/hurt to collect my things that night.
We went to view flats, he filled in all the application forms (right up to the Friday night) and was even telling his friends and family about it. We had practically lived together at Uni for 2 years and he brought up the idea that we should have gotten a flat together, every time we had a problem he'd say "it'll be better when we get a flat" and that he wasn't moving in with friends because he was waiting for me. This has been spoken about for 2 years.
The following day I told him I had some of his things I needed to drop off (I also wanted to go around and talk on what the hell had happened in the space of a day), he replied saying "I've left some of your stuff in the shed to pick up too" so he wouldn't have to even confront me. He'd packed my stuff up neatly and even transferred me all the money he owed me for the flat back the previous night. The absolute disconnection after 3 years together has been what's broke my heart the most. I rang him and told him he needed to give me some closure on what had happened. He began by saying it was "disgusting" how I'd spoken to him last night (I didn't say anything "disgusting") and there was nothing else to say because I ended it. I didn't want to end on bad terms because I still did/do? love him and in my tears ended up reaching out and hugging him where he hysterically cried and said he just didn't know what he wanted anymore and mentioned things like him nearly walking out of his job and how he felt empty inside. I told him we could both take some space, or I would even accompany him to a doctors appointment but still "I don't know". The only reasons I got out of him to not wanting to move in together anymore were that there had been arguments lately (about his time spend computer gaming and ignoring me), he was worried he wouldn't be able to spend as much time on his computer and he was thinking about moving in with friends now. This is 2 weeks after spending £2000 on a pc and so many mentions of him not having enough time on it- it's become like an addiction. I told him I couldn't be in this limbo and needed to move on then but he repeatedly told me he "loved me so much" and "why can't i leave the car" for 5 hours even through I said I wasn't okay being with somebody who "didn't know" if they wanted to be with me. He even said "I'll ring you tomorrow" as I was leaving to which I replied "don't bother if you still don't know what you want". So many mixed signals.
There's been no contact since, over a week on. I'm heartbroken but not overall I'm surprisingly dealing with it quite well. I'm now seeing many red flags which I seemed to be completely blind to before. For example:
-He would get angry to the point of punching walls, slamming doors and even threw a guitar across the room once infront of me- this could be due to the fact he lost a computer game
-He had called me names in the past- I once waited for hours with him in A & E and he called me a "f*cking d*ck when I refused to pick up weed with him afterwards because I was hungry. When I dropped him off at his and left he text me saying "what is wrong with you"
-He called me stupid because I didn't mix scrambled eggs properly according to him
-Everything was on his terms and he would always throw a tantrum when we were going on a date somewhere. Once, a film we wanted to see at the cinema was cancelled so I suggested getting something to eat beforehand. He didn't want to do anything threw a tantrum. After I drove home he said "I would have gone if you just would have waited a bit.. you should know how I am"
-When we were arguing he told me I didn't appreciate all the things he did for me, like turn his friends down sometimes and paying for meals sometimes
-When we were arguing he'd say "you just don't like me" so I'd feel sympathy and tell him of course I loved him instead of the actual issue
-He would ignore me most of the time for his computer games, he would even set his phone up infront of me when were were eating breakfast to watch other people gaming.
-When I managed to drag him out for a walk (e.g) he'd play games on his phone and have a go at me if I said anything
-I asked him if he'd accompany me to the doctors once as I'd done for him numerous times. We'd made plans but when the day came he didn't pick up his phone and "forgot". He didn't immediately come and meet me as he was too busy getting high with his friend and suggested meeting up the next day instead. When I told him "forget it" he told me to "stop biting his head off- it was only a suggestion"
-When arguing he would speak to me in the most belittling, sarcastic way
-Whenever I brought up concerns he'd behave like it was a personal attack, say I was controlling him and was taking things too literally
-He said he'd accompany me to an event and then the day of the event when I mentioned it to him he told me "he never said he did"
-He would often tell me he didn't really like birthday presents I'd spent ages choosing
-He was selfish in bed and always wanted me to dress up in latex to the point where I felt objectified. When going through depression where I was struggling with my sex drive in general, he just said how his latex fetish was a "dealbreaker for him" which made me feel insecure
-He asked to take pics of me naked to which I always said no. I later found explicit pictures of me on his phone which he hadn't told me about. This one is worrying me a little as I have no idea if he has any more, but I don't think he would
-He called me a "horrible, different person" when I was with my friend because we listened to pop music and chatted about girly things. Whenever I invited him out with us he'd have massive tantrums.
-When I went out with this friend he'd criticize what I was wearing and sometimes show up the following morning unexpectedly
-He always asked me why I was putting makeup on like It made him angry
-He had been texting girls who he'd been flirting with when he was single
Writing all this out it seems so clear but we did actually have good times in the relationship which is what made this all so confusing. He showed massive interest and love when I was at uni and out of sight sometimes. This is also when some of the controlling behaviours were shown. However as soon as I moved back home and didn't have any friends around the area he would immediately change to withdrawing and making me out to be needy or controlling whenever I asked of anything from him. Until eventually just discarding me
I feel like I've been blind for 3 years. I'm even wondering if my depression during the relationship was due to this! Now it's all over I'm still feeling shocked but not as upset as I thought I'd be. I've been trying to figure out what the hell happened and would love everybodys insight or kind words at this time (I'm still feeling a little vulnerable emotionally).
Thankyou
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