Hey, I'm really sorry to post when I haven't been supporting anyone or replying or really being active that much. I know i don't really deserve a reply, but I'm posting anyway because I'm selfish, I may delete this and I'm sorry if I do. Sorry. Thank you in advance.
My friend finally convinced me to call the trauma clinic to find out where I was on the list. Turns out they've been trying to contact me since April. I start trauma therapy on Monday.
I'm freaking out. Massively. I'm terrified. I don't want to do this. I'm not ready. It's too soon. I haven't had time to prepare. I don't know what it's going to be like. I've had lots of random therapy but I've never talked about what happened. What do I even say? What if I say too much? What if they break confidentiality? Can they break confidentially? What if they tell? What if they find me and it happens again? I'm sorry. I'm just so so scared. My eating is a mess even though it was getting better, I'm self harming more, I nearly overdosed which I haven't done in over a month. I'm falling apart and it hasn't even started yet.
Sorry I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe reassurance? Or people's experiences or what to expect? Sorry. Thank you for reading.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Hey, I'm glad you are getting help and its very brave of you to get in contact with the trauma clinic
I think its normal to feel like its too soon and youre not prepared. I myself experienced something similar last year where they were trying to contact me for a while but had the wrong number. The appointment i got was within that week. I tried not to think too much about it and distracted myself mainly with books and tv. Is there something you can do to distract yourself until the appointment?
I worry a lot about talking about what happened, I can talk about anything but that. The therapist who has referred me gave me some reassurance that i can control the pace. And i guess you dont have to say anything unless you feel comfortable enough to and i guess they would understand that.
Like with any other therapy they cant break confidentiality unless you're a risk to others or yourself and the therapist would mention this at the start, if they dont you could always ask them to go through these policies.
You have to do everything you can. You have to work your hardest. And if you do, if you stay positive, then you have a shot at a silver lining
'Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life'
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I've kind of been freaking out. It starts tomorrow. And I can't remember if it's 9:45 or 10:15. Also it's not where I live I have to get the train there.
Thanks for your reply socks, I tried to distract myself all week. I've had a super busy week I was moving. Thank you so much for reassuring me and telling me your experience. I'm going to ask about confidentiality. Hopefully it'll just be like an introductory thing. Sorry. Thanks for all your helpful replies.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
If you have enough time in the morning could you ring them up and ask? If not then perhaps try and get there for 9.15, give them a ring on your way there and if it's later on then maybe stop for a coffee or something to kill some time?
I hope it goes well.
You have to do everything you can. You have to work your hardest. And if you do, if you stay positive, then you have a shot at a silver lining
'Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life'
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
Thank you sock. I've called them and they are going to call me back. But I need to leave now if it's at 9:45... I might just leave and if I'm early that's okay. That's a good idea I can just get a coffee. Thank you!
Thank you so much, sorry for keep going on.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I hope it goes well lovely. Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
It was okay. It was just an introductory thing and I was late so we didn't talk about anything which was great. I have a sheet to fill out about what I want from trauma therapy. I don't even know what I want.
I asked her about confidentiAlity. I'm scared she'll tell someone. What if I say to much? What if the person finds out I've told? I've already told too many people. I'm more anxious again that too many people know.
Even on here, I've said things I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done that especially here in such an idiot. People can see easily. Everyone can see. Sorry I'm freaking myself out more the more I write sorry I'll shut up now. Sorry.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Hugs I'm low on words but I'm so sorry you are so anxious. Do you feel able to discuss that with your therapist ? Trauma therapy does make you feel so incredibly vulnerable .
If it helps, confidentiality wise, it sounds like your main concern is the abuser finding out. If I am right in thinking that you don't actually have to say this persons name. You could just refer to them as X or similar.
*offers gentle hugs*
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I'm scared of being so vulnerable. I'm already struggling quite a lot. What if I can't cope with talking about it? With opening myself up. How do I deal with it? I don't know what to do. Sorry.
Thanks Ames. That's a good idea thank you. Will they make me report it? I can't. What if I say things and then they tell me to report it?
Sorry I know I shouldn't be asking these questions. And no one knows. Or cares really. I'm sorry. My head feels like it might explode. Sorry.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
I'm struggling. I haven't said much to the therapist at all. Tomorrow will be my 7th session. She's asked if I want to talk. I said yes. But it's hard. I should have said no. I want to talk about it because that's supposed to make it go away Bbut I'm terrified. I told her I wouldn't be able to just sit and talk and say it all. I told her I'd need her to ask me questions and I would answer.
Tomorrow she is going to ask me questions.
I have terrified. I cant deal with this. I don know what she's going to ask. I can't tell her. I'm not allowed. What if people hear. What if he knows. I don't want to think about it or talk about. All the memories will happen at once. I want it to go away.
I want to run away. I want to go anywhere that's not here before tomorrow happens. Strongly considering running. I don't run. I could just disappear. I wouldn't have to deal with anything. See anyone. It would all go away. I could disappear and live no one will find me. In a different country. No one would ask me questions. I could do crazy things and no one would care or be there to stop me. Everything would be better.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Hi Hannah. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Have you thought about writing things down for your therapist to read instead? It sounds like you're having a lot of trouble getting all your thoughts out. Sometimes when it's hard to speak it can be easier to write instead.
You seem very preoccupied with confidentiality and I wondered why that was? Anything you tell them is confidential unless you tell them something that risks others - like risk of harm to a child, or a terrorist threat (like Samaritans). You mentioned a him - he has no way of finding out. Nobody is going to tell him. You are allowed to tell. He cannot hurt you any more.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thank you for replying Soph. I wrote a short sentence for her last session. My friend dictated and then I wrote. But I don't think I could write again. Writing is terrifying and I don't know what to say. She asked me to write what I've done during the week because I forget. She also asked if I could write down my nightmares. But I don't think I can.
She showed me all the notes shed written about me. And she hadn't written any specifics. And said she'd show me them every week. I feel more reassured that's she showed me. Telling is scary. I'm not allowed. And I'm still scared. He could still find out.
She asked me lots of questions. I feel incredibly vulnerable and anxious. I said to much.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Confidentiality is a big deal. I understand. Your therapist showing you notes is a great measure on her part to ensure trust. I can tell you that if you are going through insurance, she may be required to provide information on your therapy, in general terms, in order to obtain authorization. the insurance company will then dictate how many sessions are approved. Unless you sign authorization, she cannot disclose you are even her patient. No name. No discussion. no topic. no information. no gender designation..nothing--UNLESS YOU SIGNED A RELEASE.
I have found writing stuff is a great way to open up topics for discussion. I do not write anything but "starters": words I know will trigger a topic I want to discuss. This way, if I lose the paper, no one will know what the heck I'm talking about. I also put it in my iphone under the notes and i can edit, delete, date the topic when it was discussed...
I've also sent a letter to my therapist. I typed it out(fastest for me to get words down), in letter format, printed it and sent it. i did not read what i wrote. this opened up avenues for discussion.
I'm not a big believer in words like "brave", "strong"... what happened to me I did not ask for. What happened to me put me in a place to deal with horrors I never knew imaginable. It's been 10 years, and I have not even scratched the surface.
The only thing I can offer, concretely, is allow yourself to be patient. What words come out of you you will sometimes be able to control, and other times you will not. It sounds like your therapist has gone out of her way to comfort you. This is a very good thing.
...and...don't worry about words. whatever you want to say, she's heard before. Even if it's not been "professionally", as in from another client, she's heard them in movies, tv or read them in a text book or best seller.
I've been in therapy, with the same person for over 3 years...it gets better but it never gets easier. It's important to know that...
Hi, sorry to bump this. I was wondering if I could just ask for a little bit of support at the moment...
Trauma therapy is really hard. Obviously. It's been forever and I've still barely said anything. I'm losing motivation. She constantly tells me I'm still avoiding all the things. I've talked about everything else but the reason I'm there. She says she feels I need to be able to say stuff, to tell her, in order to regain control that I never had, nor currently have. This was a minor breakthrough as to be honest I never really thought of it like that. I was trying to say stuff because I thought I 'should' (I also apparently love socia norms and things I 'should' do). But she's write. I need to gain control.
But ive been trying to talk. And gain control over it. And to be able to say this happened and I've accepted it and now is okay. But I can't. I don't know how. I feel lost and without hope. I want to give up. But I also don't want to because I currently feel incredibly vulnerable and just awful in general.
I feel like I'm currently close to tears. I never cry. This is weird. I'm sorry I don't know what I'm asking for. I guess maybe just support that what's happening is okay, that I can do things and stuff. I dunno.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Does this mean I'm ashamed? Should I be ashamed? I don't know if I'm ashamed. I'm just guilty. That probably make sure me more guilty because maybe I'm not ashamed.
She's not using any particular techniques. She understands me and how I work, so she asks me questions so I can speak and answer as I can't talk unless someone asks me questions. But she says the original stuff needs to come from me. But I don't know what to say. wHAt am I supposed to say to say? All I've told her is all the other crap and random **** I've done. The last time I told her the times I attempted suicide which threw her as I potentially forgot to mention that. But I'm never talking about the trauma. It's so ****ing annoying.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
