Someone please explain... *contains SI*
Hey guys. So I know I haven't posted in a while. Been pretty busy with work and stuff but I just really need someone to talk to. Someone who understands.
So I've been struggling for quite sometime now. I just feel all over the place. Alone, depressed, no motivation.
Over the past couple years I've pretty much cut myself off from the world. Everyone around me gets up and goes out and does things they enjoy. I stay home in my room. Alone. I'd rather be alone. And then I feel stupid because I feel so alone. I have a history of people just leaving. So many people have just come in and out of my life so for me, it's easier to be alone. But it gets lonely sometimes. And now, I feel so lost. Like I've lost who I am. I don't know what interests me anymore. I don't really care about anything anymore. Nothing that I used to care about.
There's certain things that I don't understand. That I can't wrap my head around. Like love. I'm 25. I'm at the age where I should be getting ready, if not already, starting my own family. But that just seems like it's worlds away. I can't be with someone until I'm okay with myself. Whenever that will be. But I don't understand how it's possible to love someone for years. People change all the time. I just don't understand how that works. If I'm constantly growing and changing, how can I promise to love someone if I'm not the same person I was when I married them?
Literally everytime I get something good going, something bad happens. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I never get a break. I don't understand. I try to do the right thing and everything just blows up in my face. I'm a good person. So why can I never get ahead? EVER. I have NOTHING. I have a job. That's what I live for. To get up and go to work. I don't have a car, a degree, a career, a significant other, friends. Nothing. I just go to work because I need money to support myself.
All I can think about is cutting. I lay awake and think about it every night. Even though I haven't cut myself in about 3 years. The urge is still very much there. I just want to throw my hands in the air and say f it and go back to cutting. The only thing stopping me is my own paranoia about hiding it.
So what's the point of living when it's one battle after another? What makes life worth living because if you haven't figured it out that I'm struggling to find a reason. Someone please explain this to me.
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