Hello there:) and welcome to the site.
I think alot of people can relate to your fears so no judgement here:)
You say you dont know where to star and You might not see it but you have already started.
- You have admitted to yourself that you have a problem.
- You have asked for help by seeing a therapist.
-You have made a post and reached out for help even though it was really hard for you. Just the fact that it shows you have seached the web for support is a step in itself.
- and you are able to say that you dont want to live with the misery of the ED.
- you are also able to say which things scares you.
This might seem like small things but they are really hard steps to take.
So give yourself some credit for that. Cause thats really brave of you.
You say you are overwhelmed. No wonder cause illness and recovery just is.
My therapist had to repeat this time after time, after time before i believed it but you CAN recover!
You have already thought about the struggles that comes along with recovery and it scares you, which i understand completely but have you thought about what will happen if you dont recover? Cause thats really scary too.
About not knowing how to cope without you ED. Thats what recovery is all about. Thats what you will learn in recovery.
Recovery is overwhelming and thats why you need to split it up in steps.
Just as you have done so far. You are already doing good. Remember to give yourself some credit for every step you take. Big and small.
On how to choose recovery. Thats something you will have to do alot of times.
Cause doubt will come and go.
When i'm in most doubt i actually dont focus on what recovery will bring cause i will have this thought of "but it might not be that great, i might not feel better and so on..." Thats why i find the thought of what will happen if i dont recover more helpful. Cause theres absolutely no way i will ever be happy living with my ED. Theres not that chance as there is in recovery. I will end up in hospital or dead. Thats the hard cold truth of it.
And i say to myself "well, i dont really have a choice here" its not like "should i get the bag or not?" Its my life thats on the line here.
You say "what if i try and fail"
you know what? You might fail, time after time. I have and still do.
You might fight really hard and still relapse.
What will happen is that you learn from it. You remember thats its common in this kind of battle to go back and forward. Its not a smooth road.
As they say "if you you havent failed, you have never tried"
You try, you fail and you try again. Over and over again. thats okay. Its not the end to mess up in recovery. Thats a part of it too. You will pick yourself up again.
What you cant do is to wait untill you feel 100% ready.
Cause that day rarely comes. There will always be fear and doubt. Its important to understand that its a part of the journey and it shouldnt hold you back from recovery. You just have to take the jump.
You have made a list of 1000 reasons in your mind that speaks against recovery.
I do advice you to try to write down on paper, all the reasons for choosing recovery instead;) . In the end, only you can tell The best reasons for you to recover. And again think about what will happen if you dont choose recovery.
And as i said, you have already taken several steps. You can do this. You are already on the right path. Just keep going;)