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Old 20-04-2015, 09:55 PM   #1
Finnian
 
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I'm so ****ing stupid

I have not been feeling bad enough for my tastes in the last few days.

And with that I don't mean that I was feeling well but that I wasn't feeling bad enough to be actually able to conquer it with self-destructive behaviour. When I feel like **** then I feel safe and I have strategies that help me deal with it - not exactly things that are good for me but at least I have something to occupy my mind with.

But when I'm in this state where I neither feel good nor bad, that's something I can't handle. I don't feel good enough to actually do something positive but not bad enough for compensating behaviours to work.

I was feeling like this all day, bored and restless and stressed and I wanted it to stop, so I decided to b/p even though I did not actually WANT to do it. I stuffed my oven with food and then went to the supermarket to buy chocolate stuff and diet coke, started eating on my way home, then ate all the other food before I had to stop. I felt so sick, I barely had to do anything to get it back up. But then nothing would come out anymore and I wasn't able to try harder. I just didn't want to. I don't want to throw up again but I can still feel all this stuff in my stomach and I can't bare that either. My whole room smells of food and it makes me feel sick and I have washed my hands several times and I still feel like there's vomit on it and my throat hurts like hell and I'm dizzy and I just feel like ****.

I don't know why I am doing this. I don't want to do this but I also don't want to not do this.

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Old 21-04-2015, 03:35 PM   #2
LittleCloud
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I understand about wanting to stop but not wanting to. I'm there now and it's hell. Do you have people who know about your eating?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 21-04-2015, 05:08 PM   #3
Finnian
 
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Two friends I rarely talk to. And my doctor.
I'm not exactly keen on talking about it outside the internet ...



A birth and a death on the same day
And honey I only appear so I can fade away


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Old 21-04-2015, 06:07 PM   #4
Epicene
 
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I can relate to this. Feeling listless is horrible because there's never really anything that helps. But it certainly sounds like you regret taking the path that you did and using behaviours; can you try and hold onto that for the future? It might help you at least avoid feeling worse through bingeing and purging, even if you struggle to feel better in the situation.

Also, please don't feel stupid. Sometimes we don't make the wisest of choices but in the moment it can feel like it's the only way through. Now you've had a chance to reflect on it, it gives you an opportunity to move on from this.


Last edited by Epicene : 21-04-2015 at 06:09 PM. Reason: Adding something
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Old 22-04-2015, 07:31 PM   #5
Finnian
 
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I was scared because it had never been this bad before. I have made myself throw up a few times before but it was different because I had been feeling bad and I felt better afterwards, so at least it helped.
This time I don't know why I did it. And why it was worse than usual.
It didn't even make me feel better at all, I only made me feel worse and it made me realise that this is not something I want to do. That doesn't help much because almost every day I get the urge to throw up whenever I try to eat in a normal way.
I rarely give in to these urges but their existence stresses me out a lot.



A birth and a death on the same day
And honey I only appear so I can fade away


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