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Old 16-04-2015, 02:25 AM   #1
Linna
 
Join Date: May 2009
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Sad

I'm feeling very lost at the moment. There's not really anyone I can talk with that about in real life, so I guess I just have to get it off my chest. I'm sorry if it comes off as negative. I wish I wanted something in life but I don't, at least nothing I can have. I can't get my years back. I can't go back to being who was. I'll never get those opportunities again. I used to be so driven, and clever. Now I'm just a bunch of "could-have-been"s. I feel like a burden to society and my family.

I'm currently in outpatient treatment for anorexia. My therapist is lovely but I can't talk to her. She's been so helpful, and I have a lot of respect for her. But I can't let her in. I'm so ashamed of what I've become, how I live my life. I keep thinkinh Im going to open up, even write notes, but when the moment comes I just freeze up. Can't even look at her. Can't speak. Can't let her help. I'm just wasting her time and resources.

I'm 26 years old and I still live at home. I don't take care of myself. I'm digusting. And I resent my family so much for ever suggesting I move back in. I know thats not fair, and I know it's not their fault and I am soso grateful for having such a loving family, but I do. I resent myself for ever agreeing to it. And here I am, years later and I can't see an end to it. How am I ever going to get out fo this place?

I look at the people around me and theyre all working, studying, having relationships, some are becoming parents, traveling....their lives are moving forward. I'm stuck. Time keeps moving but I'm not getting anywhere. What have I got to offer the world? Who's ever going to love me? Who's ever going to hire me? I'm such a waste of space. I havent accomplished anything. I didn't die, but what use was that?

And I'm ashamed for being this weight and having nothing. I feel like I'm too heavy, was always too heavy to have lost this much time to hospitals and treatments. And I know that's just my brain playing tricks on me. I know how sick I've been, and I know how sick I am, but when I look in the mirror it just screams normal at me. I can't see it. I keep thinking that if I was thinner, it wouldnt matter so much. That it would somehow be less painful. Logically, I know thats not true. But it's so tempting to just throw everything away and fall.

I keep having more and more anxiety attacks and Im terrified Im going to break down infront of other people and start screaming and hitting myself. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I can't stand having all these thoughts and images and memories spinning around in y head all day. I used to be able to block it out, but nothing seems to work anymore.

I was supposed to be an adult by now but I can't even bring myself to brush my teeth or clean my clothes. I havent been outside for two weeks. Another day wasted, I hate myself for not being able to bring myself to actually do something, force myself to find some kind of meaning. Or at least wash my hair. I'm so tired of this life and I'm a prisoner in it.

I should stop. I'm sorry for my self-absorbed whining.






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Old 16-04-2015, 05:32 AM   #2
maybeline
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
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This...really could just as well, been me writing that. I can relate so, so much!
You cant even imagine. I have no idea what to do about it either so i cant help you, sorry. But i do want you to know you are not alone about feeling like this. I am sorry you feel like this too. Its so hard.
And its kind of scary to reach the point where you just dont feel like you got anything worth figthing for. Feeling like you could just as well give up cause the reasons that made you fight and hang on, in the past just dont mean anything anymore.

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Old 16-04-2015, 11:44 AM   #3
Linna
 
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Thank you for taking the time to reply (:
And Im sorry you're feeling it too. No one should.It's not fair. But I guess thinking about it as unfair doesnt really help. It is what it is.

I keep thinking I can't live my life like this. I have to change. But how? I've tried every option available. I used up all the motivation and it didnt really get me anywhere. I'm so tired.

But I'm still alive, something keeps me here. I guess that's what I'm clinging on to.






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Old 16-04-2015, 02:45 PM   #4
maybeline
 
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No they really shouldn't! No you are right, it does not really help to think its unfair but at the same time its so hard not to think like that.

I know, i feel the same way. Its like being stucked.
I know, i feel like i have worked so so hard and tried everything and it didnt help so whats the point?

Yeah, i guess sometimes you just have to hang on to hope.
And remember some people have felt just as hopeless and yet their life turned around at some point. I read alot of recovery stories and they often struggled for a long time before things got better. It helps me to think of that. Maybe it can help you too?

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Old 16-04-2015, 04:10 PM   #5
LittleCloud
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I want to write a proper reply when it is not so late and I have no words, but I feel this too. You are not alone. Sending love and understanding



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 17-04-2015, 12:06 AM   #6
Linna
 
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Thank you, thats very kind (:

Quote:
Originally Posted by maybeline View Post
No they really shouldn't! No you are right, it does not really help to think its unfair but at the same time its so hard not to think like that.

I know, i feel the same way. Its like being stucked.
I know, i feel like i have worked so so hard and tried everything and it didnt help so whats the point?

Yeah, i guess sometimes you just have to hang on to hope.
And remember some people have felt just as hopeless and yet their life turned around at some point. I read alot of recovery stories and they often struggled for a long time before things got better. It helps me to think of that. Maybe it can help you too?
Strange how you can feel so alone in something, feeling a certain way. Then you talk to people and it's actually the opposite. When you're all alone in it, (well I can only speak for myself though) everything automatically becomes true. I hope that makes sense in writing. English isn't my native language and I'm not really sure how to write it.

It might help. I generally stay away from most eating disorder stories from habit. It used to trigger me a lot, even when there werent any numbers or pictures involved. But I'm not as sensitive to that now. The people Ive been in treatment with, i have very little contact with. Especially with the ones who actually did get better. I don't get those stories from them. They moved on, I didn't. It can be painful for both sides.

Then there's that part of my brain that keeps thinking I'm the exception, everyone else is strong enough to recover, worthy of it, capable of going on. But not me. Logically I know its my brain setting traps for me, but logic doesn't help much when every fibre of your being is screaming that you're useless.






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Old 17-04-2015, 05:35 AM   #7
maybeline
 
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It is strange. i always feel some kind of distance between me and other people. I keep thinking they dont understand and dont like me. Etc..,i think your english is great. Its not my native language either so i dont feel too sure about it my writing either.

I understand it can be triggering. What i have done is reading recovery stories about addiction and depression too. Cause in the end its the same feelings about being lost, stucked and so on..

I can imagine that must be really hard to deal with.
I could see that happen for me too. Treatment is like sat up to be THE answear to everything. Like THE cure. So feeling like it does not really help is scary.
Cause then what? Like what am i gonna do cause its not working?
But in the end i just dont think therapy is the key to everybody. I think it can help alot of people but i think for some the answear might be something else.

Yes, i can relate to that as well! I keep thinking like that too. And they might have a better support system outside treatment. Like family and friends. They just have more reasons than i do. They just have a better chance. Yeah i feel that useless feeling too. It makes it seem pointless to recover cause i cant do anything anyway. Even if i recovered from my ed i would still fail at life.
But as you say its a trap of the mind. But its really hard to think differently

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