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Old 09-04-2015, 12:02 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Long-term, long-stretch, in it for the long haul

I've been making myself sick for 11 years. 10 years ago - bet most people here don't remember that - I was admitted to hospital (and was on RYL in its form at the time!).

I've been better, and I've been worse. I've been brilliant - never struggling, not restricting, not even thinking about it - for months on end. But when things get bad, I can't help but think about it. I don't remember the last time there was a week without making myself sick, even if it was just the one-off that week. It's an easy skill to slip back into.

At the moment I'm in limbo - I'm overweight and massively unhappy. I've also never, ever in my life lost weight healthily. I tried in January, and ended up even unhealthier than normal.

I feel so pathetic, because I'm not properly ill. I've been bad, I've been on death's door, and this is just a glitch. But I've been in the 'glitch' phase for so long - never well enough to be happy, never ill enough to be content. And I know, I so know all of the shitty side effects of being ill. I'm in a happy relationship, I'm good at my job, I can do things well and feel energised and happy - and these are all things I could never do when I was ill.

But there's a bit of me that's missing, an element of control or focus I need to get back.

Have you overcome it? I hope the answer is no, simply because I hope that if you have overcome it you aren't spending your time here any more - but I also hope that somebody out there has some words of wisdom.

This isn't 'a phase I'm going through' - I'm accepting it as normal, and I want to regain that control and for it not to be normal. I want to recognise that feeling this way isn't healthy, and that there are other ways to get control and happiness. I've got there before, but I don't like that it's autopilot when I want to switch back.

Is it really bad also that my big issue isn't that I'm still doing this, but that I'm doing this and not seeing any effects (positive or negative)?

Fricking hell. I was so happy being good, and now I'm so angry that I'm not.

Argh, sorry folks. Words of advice much appreciated.

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Old 09-04-2015, 08:55 AM   #2
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Hey, I have no wise words of wisdom, but I just wanted to say that I'm in a similar position to you.
I started restricting/binge/purging around ten years ago also, I became quite unwell and underweight. I did recover a year or two later but I guess I've always had those thoughts ever since. About a year or two ago I became mildly overweight and decided to try to lose weight healthily. I did weight watchers, losing weight healthily, and got down to the mid-range of a normal BMI. However, I wasn't happy there and I wanted to lose more, so ultimately began the restricting/binge/purge cycle... I thought I'd never go back to that and here I am! I've managed to cut down the binging/purging to around once every two weeks but I must admit I do restrict daily so I am still losing weight.
I'm sorry I have no advice as I'm in need of it myself really, but I would suggest seeking help at the early stages to prevent any major relapse. Is this something you could do?

We're all architects of our own private hell
No-one can hurt us like we hurt ourselves...

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Old 09-04-2015, 05:38 PM   #3
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I am in a similar position. I related to a lot of what you had to say.

It is almost 9 years since I "recovered" but I'm not, since Christmas I have tried to be better. I set myself the challenge of an ED free January (inspired by dry-January). I have also managed an ED free March, unfortunately didn't manage it in Feb. Prior to this I had kinda resolved myself that I would be bingeing and purging for the rest of my life, when support offered help with it I replied with "I think this is as good as it gets". Those thoughts sinking in have given me a bit of a jolt into giving recovery another shot.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, I remember you from the before.

In my dreams I slew the dragon

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Old 10-04-2015, 10:24 AM   #4
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Hey Jo! I remember you (it's control freak here). Glad to see you, but not under these circumstances!

Are you under a CMHT or ED team at the moment? Is it worth seeing them and asking for help regarding the making yourself sick, but also to have support in losing weight healthily?

I think it's a good thing you're angry this is happening because it means you do want to get back to where you were before where you didn't purge and didn't think about it. Like with any maladaptive coping mechanism it's something that can pop into your mind when you're feeling stressed or not 100%. I would say that self harm is no longer an issue that affects me, but when I'm worn down and low I do still get urges to do it. Not all the time, but now and then. I think it might be something that might not fully go away, and it just means I have to be on my guard a bit more so when I notice the urges I can tell myself all the reasons why it'd be bad to go back down that path!

I like writing lists, so I usually write down the positive and negative consequences of doing something. Can you do that for the purging? It might put it into perspective a bit.

Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.

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Old 10-04-2015, 04:41 PM   #5
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I wish I had words of support or encouragement but I can sure relate to feeling stuck and knowing there could be positive or negative effects but not getting them. I hope you can find some support here. I hope there's a way out

So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics

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Old 12-04-2015, 07:25 PM   #6
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Awh guys, thank you so much.

I wrote this in a ramble and really appreciate the kind words of support and advice - even if it's just that you relate, it really helps me to feel less alone, so thank you.

I think I've decided to go see a doctor as I'm bored of feeling like this; but anyway, I'm feeling much comforted by your wonderful words, thank you. x

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Old 13-04-2015, 10:06 AM   #7
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Good luck with seeing the doctor, that's a really brave decision.

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