Adult - coming to terms with trauma poem
The following is a poem.
Content warnings: self harm, sex, sexual assault, gender dysphoria, suicidal idealisation and NSFW.
Why did you put your hands down my underwear?
Do you even recall?
Where you not concerned with my vacant stare?
But it was normal, wasnít it?
It was expected of me, right?
To lie back and take it,
I should have known my own body by then.
But it was covered in marks of self-loathing,
They got deeper after that.
An obscene scene
At age seventeen,
Iím still feeling unclean
In moments were Iím left alone,
Reminders of what you should have known
I wasnít a girl, those parts you touched werenít mine.
Several months passed
Weíd moved to fast,
I lost my will to speak.
How much worse could it be?
So I chose to agree,
While it happened I was floating,
You coating my insides and thrusting
You asked if I was OK and I said yes
A lie you didnít guess.
When I came back I cried,
Curling up, a shivering mess
Left to obsess
Over why I granted you access
I was so angry,
The next year was so grey,
What was once an oddity,
became an atrocity.
I kept letting it happen.
I was getting worse, then
I fell so deep inside a depression,
Left with an unhealthy obsession,
A desire for death.
My body felt so wrong
Feelings Iíd harboured for so long
But now I felt tainted
You saw me as a woman,
I needed to be anything else.
You pushed your erection inside
I nodded when you asked but I didnít mean yes.
I meant you might as well hurt me,
Ruin me more if you canít see
I canít be what I want to be,
so you might as well enjoy the pain I live in
what more harm could a child do?
If you ever loved me, why?
Why did you let me let you do that?
You knew from what I wrote,
The words I wouldnít let through my throat,
I was always transgender
with detachments from my genitalia.
the pain you left me with
is an untouchable monolith
that masks all dysphoria
when combined with my medication.
But what if this numbness never stops?
What if I canít pass well enough for the gender cops?
What if I can never reclaim my body?
What if I canít give it what it needs?
What if I had been well enough to say no?