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Old 11-04-2015, 10:20 AM   #1
Between Two Lungs
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I've hit a wall (metaphorically)

I'm hoping someone who reads this will have been in a similar position and can offer some advice... I'm currently working my butt off not to relapse and restrict, this is probably a record since I developed my ED, but the more I fight it, the worse my depression+anxiety become and the more unstable I feel. I'm so used to the restrict/refeed cycle I am really struggling. I don't have a lot of well established coping mechanisms though and I've begun self-medicating and scalding myself, the latter I've never done before. All just to avoid an ED (and cutting) relapse. It's not working though and I'm noticing my intake is slowly dropping, not loads but enough for me to be impaired physically. I am desperate to find some light, it feels like everyday is the same or worse right now, so any suggestions/ways to cope would be so so appreciated. I've only just started with a new therapist, and get 10 sessions only, so that's not useful as yet.



The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
Elizabeth Gilbert


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Old 11-04-2015, 03:21 PM   #2
LittleCloud
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I have been in the position you're in and I'm in Australia so I get about the 10 sessions. Can you be really direct with your psychologist and voice your concerns about what will happen if 10 appointments isn't enough?
With eating has anything helped in the past? Well done for trying to avoid a relapse but it sounds like a real fight. I don't have many words because I am fighting much the same but wanted you to know you're not alone



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 12-04-2015, 06:22 PM   #3
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I can really relate to the behaviour swapping and increased negative emotions when not using self destructive coping mechanisms. I think part of it is about replacing those behaviours with safe, healthy distractions, but a lot of it is about accepting that its going to feel all kinds of horrible for a while. Where your ED and cutting used to provide relief and circumvent the hard emotions, you're now going to have to sit with them and go right through it not quite knowing how that path will unfold. I find it helps to tell myself that it may feel like hell, but I know that the familiar self harm path will only help in the short term.

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Old 18-04-2015, 09:00 AM   #4
Between Two Lungs
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Thank you both for taking the time to reply, it's very kind of you.

Little Cloud - The 10 sessions is really challenging. I was recently discharged from the adult public system (where I saw my worker at least once a week for almost the last 2 years) because the place is literally a sinking ship and there was no one experienced enough to be helpful for me. I will try to be upfront in my concern when I next see her. I think some local psychologists bulk bill but rarely... She's said I don't need to pay the excess on my current visits so perhaps that would be a possibility. Not a lot has helped eating wise in the past, hence why I've never been in refeeding for very long. PRN is one of the few things that has but I'm not finding my current one helpful so I've made an urgent appointment to see my GP on Tuesday. I hope she will prescribe an alternative but I'm also very frightened about having to disclose how bad things are in case a) She sees me as an OD risk, so no meds or b) Doesn't think I need PRN. (She is so lovely though, I think it's just anxiety.)

Epicene - I'm glad you understand. I agree with your second sentence in particular. I'm trying really hard at the moment to recognise when I'm having horrible thoughts and feelings and imagine them sitting in my lap, rather than overwhelming me in front of my face. I think it's starting to delay the burning, but the burning is also escalating. I intend to buy some tiger balm asap to see if that is helpful sensation wise. I have to get off this familiar path because you're right - it's not helpful long term and it's actually quite scary.



The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.
Elizabeth Gilbert


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Old 18-04-2015, 01:51 PM   #5
LittleCloud
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I get you with services not being able to help with needs. I've heard it said so many times and I'm due to start with a psychiatrist over two hrs away because I my doctor said the services we have are so poor. Bulk billing. Or be the way to go- Medicare Local has just been dismaned so look out for hAving to pay full fee and being refunded 75%ish.
I know this might not be possible but some support is still better than none- could you stick with the team and they link in with your psychiatrist?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 19-04-2015, 06:07 PM   #6
DontLookUp
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im so sorry you feel this :(
i dont have any advice im sorry, just that i relate so much to this & you arent on your own xxx



♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...

There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed.
Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.


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Old 24-04-2015, 08:02 AM   #7
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The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.



aliiii

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