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Old 06-04-2015, 08:40 PM   #1
DontLookUp
Saffyx
 
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relapse thoughts

im sorry i just really need to get this out because i cannot explain this to anyone else.

Can't cope being weight restored.
Can't cope having messed up thoughts in a normal weight body.
Wanna relapse.
Everyone around me is relapsing.
Im so triggered.
I feel so fat and lazy and out of control because im not relapsing.
My thighs and my face and everything its disgusting i hate it.
I always think about relapsing and food and numbers and my body and i feel like a failure for getting to a healthy weight.
My head is so confused i cant cope with every second switching from im going to relapse and lose all this weight and then realising i cant go down that road again.
Relapsing will take everything away from me all over again.
I dont wanna have to go through refeeding hell again, i dont wanna feel so ill and weak again, i dont wanna hurt my family like i did, i dont wanna ever ever ever have to go back inpatient.

But i also want to ****ing relapse so bad, but instead of relapsing i sit down and i eat anyway like a good little girl and i hate myself for it.
Weight restoring has left me with everything else to deal with and i just cannot.

Im scared ive lose the ability to restrict. Im scared im too fat and lazy to go back. I dont even think i had a problem or a real one and im such a fake and ughhhh weight restoring did not make me feel better at all. I know there are so so so many positives of recovery and so many things that gaining weight has given me but idk all i want to do is lose weight because i feel so mentally terrible.

and its not like services help your head, all they care about is your weight and my weight is fine now so that means they think im fine now but im not fine and the guilt from eating is too much and it makes me suicidal but no one will believe im finding it hard because its all in my stupid head. i am a failure for doing 'well' in everybody elses eyes. :(
And like seriously all i want to do is relapse, feeling like this never eases or goes away and its too much for me.



♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...

There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed.
Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.


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Old 07-04-2015, 08:46 AM   #2
marimar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013

Hi hun, i understand what you're going through, it's not fake and you're not alone. Getting to a healty weight finally gave you some room to think about other problems and that is scary, overwhealming and at times can seem unmanagable.
On the other hand, sticking to ED is kind if turning a blind eye on life with all the good abd bad things it brings. You might feel secure in a way but it's fake, you know it and life shouldn't be all about it. I don't want to become to philosophical here, but you were deffinitly born for something more than just ED :)
You mention that everyone around you is relapsing. Who is everyone, your friends from hospital? I was inpatient 10 years ago and became friend with 4-5 girls, it really helped me go through that hell but when we were discharged, they kept relapsing and going through their own problems and it was too much for me, i couldn't keep hanging out with them as i realized we're just dragging eachother down the same road again. I know it sounds a but selfish but it was for my own good and i had to stop seeing them. i'm now best friends with one of the girls i met in hospital but she had the oposit disorder and we managed not to have a bad infuence in eachother. Maybe you could try and distance yourself from those people who remind you of your illness.
Is there any professional you could talk to about the relapsing thoughts? Be honest and reach out for help now, stop it before it gets out of control.
You might also consider hanging out with people who haven't exeprienced ED, join some social club, choire or something similar and you might be able to get a different perspective. observe how they go through life, how food is not the most important thing in their life and it might help you have the same atitute.
Good luck and really hope you can go through this period, it's one more obstacle on the road to full recovery and you can make it there :)

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Old 07-04-2015, 03:20 PM   #3
LittleCloud
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So lovely to hear from you again Saffy and hear that you're maintaining a healthy weight. Please, please don't take it as a bad- it's such a strong thing to do. Do you have any support with the mental side of it so you can stay healthy?
Always here if you need to talk



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 12-04-2015, 04:56 AM   #4
i.am.me
 
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Oh babe
That really pulled at my heart. I'll never say that I know how you feel cause I don't think anyone can ever feel what you feel. But I know that hurt, I know that conflict in your mind all day everyday.
I so desperately want to relapse, I hate myself every time I eat but I hate myself for not wanting to eat too.
But **** it.
Do you want to black out when you wake up?
Do you want to need to sit down in the shower?
Do you want to walk when you can't breathe?
If I could hug ya I would. **** anorexia.
**** all the **** that comes with it.
Hugs to you xx

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Old 16-04-2015, 07:50 PM   #5
DontLookUp
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marimar View Post
Hi hun, i understand what you're going through, it's not fake and you're not alone. Getting to a healty weight finally gave you some room to think about other problems and that is scary, overwhealming and at times can seem unmanagable.
On the other hand, sticking to ED is kind if turning a blind eye on life with all the good abd bad things it brings. You might feel secure in a way but it's fake, you know it and life shouldn't be all about it. I don't want to become to philosophical here, but you were deffinitly born for something more than just ED :)
You mention that everyone around you is relapsing. Who is everyone, your friends from hospital? I was inpatient 10 years ago and became friend with 4-5 girls, it really helped me go through that hell but when we were discharged, they kept relapsing and going through their own problems and it was too much for me, i couldn't keep hanging out with them as i realized we're just dragging eachother down the same road again. I know it sounds a but selfish but it was for my own good and i had to stop seeing them. i'm now best friends with one of the girls i met in hospital but she had the oposit disorder and we managed not to have a bad infuence in eachother. Maybe you could try and distance yourself from those people who remind you of your illness.
Is there any professional you could talk to about the relapsing thoughts? Be honest and reach out for help now, stop it before it gets out of control.
You might also consider hanging out with people who haven't exeprienced ED, join some social club, choire or something similar and you might be able to get a different perspective. observe how they go through life, how food is not the most important thing in their life and it might help you have the same atitute.
Good luck and really hope you can go through this period, it's one more obstacle on the road to full recovery and you can make it there :)
thank you so so so much for being so understanding <3
its literally like that, getting to a healthy weight has made room for all the other stuff to come up, and i just feel like i have no clutch.
im sorry that you understand how i feel, because i dont want you to have to feel this rubbish, but it really helps to know im not alone and a lot of how i feel is normal.
And the people relapsing are from inpatient and its so hard because all im hearing is 'this ones not doing well' 'this ones been readmitted' and it makes me feel so rubbish. but you are absolutely right and i really do need to kind of leave people behind and put myself first. I have a therapist, i havent brought up my relapse thoughts bc we're trying to work on other things but it would probably really helpful for me to voice this to her. thank you for your encouraging words <3 <3 <3 xxx

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleCloud View Post
So lovely to hear from you again Saffy and hear that you're maintaining a healthy weight. Please, please don't take it as a bad- it's such a strong thing to do. Do you have any support with the mental side of it so you can stay healthy?
Always here if you need to talk
Hey lovely ^_^ thanks so much. its hard because it feels like the complete opposite of me being strong, its so twisted how eating disorders make us think about whats strength and weakness and what is success and failure. i do have a therapist, ive only seen her a couple of times. i didnt want to like 'waste time' talking about food stuff but its really prominent in my head right now so i do think i need to tell someone because i do not want to slip. ly girl xxxxx

Quote:
Originally Posted by i.am.me View Post
Oh babe
That really pulled at my heart. I'll never say that I know how you feel cause I don't think anyone can ever feel what you feel. But I know that hurt, I know that conflict in your mind all day everyday.
I so desperately want to relapse, I hate myself every time I eat but I hate myself for not wanting to eat too.
But **** it.
Do you want to black out when you wake up?
Do you want to need to sit down in the shower?
Do you want to walk when you can't breathe?
If I could hug ya I would. **** anorexia.
**** all the **** that comes with it.
Hugs to you xx
i am so so sorry that you relate to this so much, its makes me sad because you dont deserve to be going through this, God none of us do. but it is really reassuring to know that im not alone and i guess that people are fighting some similar battles and thoughts and getting through, gives me a little more hope and strength. so many hugs and hang in there too ok because we are all worth more than an eating disorder xxxxxx



♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...

There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed.
Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.


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Old 20-04-2015, 11:00 PM   #6
Pi.R^2
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Hey Saffy, nice to hear from you, though sorry that you're struggling. It seems like you've got lots of reasons to fight for recovery, so I hope you can hold on to those.

Getting to a healthy weight is not failure- it is success. And maintaining a healthy weight is the absolute success and sets you up to have everything you ever wanted in life. Relapse and readmission may feel like the "right" thing to do but actually that just moves you further and further away from where you want to be.

You mention being scared that you have lost the ability to restrict. Do you really want to find out? Because if it were to be the case that you have lost the ability to restrict, that is going to make you feel even more frustrated and trapped! And if you haven't lost the ability, you would probably find yourself back in hospital before you realised that actually you still had the ability to restrict. Either way, not worth it! And realistically, aren't there better abilities to worry about having? "Can restrict massively and lose so much weight I need to be put in hospital" isn't exactly top of the list of things to put on the CV!

I think it would be good to mention this to your therapist. Also, bear in mind that being weight-restored puts you in the best place to work through your difficulties and move forward for good, rather than just masking them temporarily with malnourishment.

Thinking of you and really hoping that things get easier for you soon :)



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 21-04-2015, 04:07 PM   #7
LittleCloud
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I think you should tell someone if you can. It can get awfully mixed up inside but you aware resisting and that is epic. Remember with your therapist- it's exactly what they're there for. Stay strong beautiful



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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