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Old 22-08-2019, 03:15 PM   #1
saku's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2008
trigger warnings ramblings

having visions of hurting myself, pictures of cut jugulars, or slashed wrists, feeling impulses to slash myself again, keep muttering about suicide - though I have four cats that are totally dependent on me, so that option for relief is out, no worries...though the picture of a bolt through the brain is so tempting...

background 56 yr old male. Big tough guy...when I enter a underground carriage late at night, other people instinctively change to another carriage. toxic masculinity.

havent worked for 20 years due to depression and lack of employable skills, despite have two bachelors and a masters degree. government employment office tested me and said that the best thing I could do for the national economy was to sit home alone and collect benefits, they were uninterested in trying to help me find work and banned me from using their resources, as it would be a drain on them and I had according to them, no chance of getting a job offer....

Made the mistake of checking out an old crush on the internet, to see what she looks like now...still cute, but had to read about all her career accomplishments, which emphasised just how useless I am....I always received the highest grades in school and in uni, am very good at my craft, and willing to work in other fields, but no one would ever employ me, because I didnt have contacts or references, or because I always came second place after the interviews. I have intensely searched for work in 4 countries. Left a sweet girlfriend, and then the Best Cat Ever, to move to search for work. There are many things I can do, but someone always does them better than me, or is more employable, or has better contacts. Then of course, the last few interviews went horribly since I was so desperate for work that I was visibly trembling....

I was such a high flyer and am so fecking highly skilled and intelligent, and yet I cant convince anyone to give me a job, not in my craft, and not outside my craft....I just want to hurt me....

I dream (ie night time, not aspirations) often of working, in my field, in other related fields, I often have a repeating dream where I walk down the street and grab random people begging them to give me a job...

to clarify, I am depressed because I am not working, not I am not working because I am depressed, so I stated that poorly before...

I should be at the very top of my field, and of teaching my field to others, which I love.....and then there are so many other things I could do, but no one will let me....of course, now, at this age and with 20 years of downtime behind me, no one would even glance at my c.v.

I have a pretty comfortable life on benefits, no worry there, have everything I need and can keep my cats in comfort (though medical bills for them have to be footed by the cat shelter)....but I squandered all my potential.....and never got the doctorate that everyone thought I would have by 25 (ran out of financing for it)....and I do certain things so well, but there is no market for them, or so many other people who do them as well, and have better contacts....and attempts to branch out into other fields were met by derision...

I am leaving my fields deliberately unspecified. Don't ask.

thanks for listening....

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Old 22-08-2019, 03:36 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2008

btw, before you jump in, yes , I filled out a lot of forms for volunteer work, Red Cross, religious centres, one interested, but I probably couldnt afford the tram tickets to volunteer...and the local cat shelters are too far away/expensive for me to reach...

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Old 22-08-2019, 09:39 PM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Surrey
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It seems like you could be a real asset, it’s a shame no-one is willing to take a chance on you. Maybe you could put yourself out there on local Facebook groups etc. as a pet sitter and/or dog walker - it wouldn’t be very regular, but it would give you a bit of money and might boost your confidence regarding work? Or is there anything you could do online or from home, even just part-time so that you have something to put on your CV.
Have you spoken to recruitment agencies to see if there’s anything they can do for you? Just because the government employment office were ridiculously unhelpful doesn’t mean everyone will be.
At the end of the day a job isn’t the measure of someone’s worth. You are no less worthwhile than anyone else just because you’re unemployed.
I really hope you do find a job because you clearly really want to work and you’re clearly very capable, but a job isn’t the be all and end all, try not to put so much pressure on yourself.

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