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Old 24-02-2020, 09:05 PM   #1
bluenose
im not going to let this beat me
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: glenrothes fife
I am currently:
Iím broken

Iím absolutely broken and really do not want to be here anymore. 4 years ago today my wonderful precious wee boy passed away after a very sudden and horrible virus took hold of him. But I could have prevented it. I could and should have taken him to hospital the night before. But I didnít. And that negligence has haunted me every single day of my miserable stinking pathetic existence since. Iíd say life but it hasnt been a life. And itís exactly what I deserve. I donít deserve a life I donít deserve to be happy. I deserve to be the one in the ground and my wee lad alive and living his life to the max.
Last week I had a counselling session and even she said I was broken and being held together with glue and duck tape.
I canít go on feeling like this for the rest of what little time I have left on this earth. Hopefully the end will be here for me sooner rather than later.

Apologies if this triggers anyone I honestly wish no person on this earth any harm or bad feeling - I wish that entirely on myself and me only

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Old 27-02-2020, 03:31 AM   #2
Auror.
Aurors for the win.
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Godric's Hollow

I'm glad you have a professional you can trust. Can they help you with some plans or tools to work through what is going on in a way that keeps you alive?



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 28-02-2020, 10:07 PM   #3
bluenose
im not going to let this beat me
 
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Location: glenrothes fife
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auror. View Post
I'm glad you have a professional you can trust. Can they help you with some plans or tools to work through what is going on in a way that keeps you alive?
I have to try and write one positive thing I have in my life in a diary every day, no negativity is allowed,and canít have the same positive twice. So far I have filled in one page.one. I have nothing else positive in my life. I am a failure. A serial loser. And itís what I totally deserve to be.
I go back next week, not sure what the outcome of only having one day filled in.

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Old 28-02-2020, 11:06 PM   #4
Auror.
Aurors for the win.
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Godric's Hollow

If positives are too hard, could you try coming up with one neutral thing to write down each day? That would at least show you've made an effort, even if you couldn't accomplish what was asked exactly as written.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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