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Old 25-05-2007, 12:35 AM   #1
Margo
 
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Possibly Triggering - How do you cope with getting better after being ill for so long?

Ok so im finally coming out of a long and serious bout of depression. Its my worst ever! Just about 18 months of complete and utter misery, self hatred and loathing, self harm, destruction and suicidal thoughts. This should be a good thing, right? Well im terrified! Completely and utterly terrified!

Ive suffered depression for a long time. On and off, but its always been there festering in the background for virtually half of my life. Ive dealt with it and coped. Ive had major episodes in the past but my will to get better has always meant they were relatively short periods of nothing more than 3-6 months at worst. I looked forward to and relished the thought of being well again and this always got me through.

This time however has been different. Totally different. Something went majorly wrong upstairs with my wiring and hence ive been basically crippled for all this time. Ive lost pretty much it all in the last 18 months. A good job, good car, girlfriend, dog, house, money, my physical health, appearance and my friends.

Because ive been ill for so long its become my life. Its all i know now. However, the dark heavy curtain is being lifted and im getting glimpses of "reality" and "light". Rather than being happy about this though, im actually petrified. I am completely and utterly petrified. Ive lost the comfort of constant solemnity and suicidal thoughts. Heh, its sounds odd writing that but it was safe inside that little hell i was in. It was safe because i knew it and recognised it. It was mine and i controlled it to some extent.

Now im faced with "getting better" and to me its the most terrifying thing ive ever had to face. Right now i would take the cianide pill rather than life. I really would.

I know that i still have a way to go. Im told that this will take time.

I was wondering if anyone else felt the same or has had similar feelings and gotten though them, or could add some words to give a little hope. Am i the only one this terrified of getting better? Is this normal?

Thanks

Matthew xxx



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 25-05-2007, 10:00 AM   #2
Queen Crabbit
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You know that I had a major freak out about getting better. Any change is scary, especially when it's something as monumental [for want of a better word] than getting your life back.

But what exactly did your psych say to you about this eh? One day at a time. If you're feeling particularly positive then a week maybe. That's all you need to focus on. Right now you ARE getting better but you ARE still ill. An 18 month long coma patient doesn't just sit up one day and go for a jog, does he? He'll stay in hospital for a while while he gets his bearings and gets used to the change.

You haven't lost everything sweetheart. God knows how many times I've had this conversation with you but you haven't. Sure, okay, the material things - but if you decide you want them again then there is a way to get them back. As for the friends, the real ones have stuck by you and I, for one, would much rather have a few close friends that I knew loved me for who I was, no matter what, than a wider spectrum of not so close friends. But as you get better you'll be able to socalise a bit more - again, in your own time, nobody's telling you to invite them all down to a pub tonight - and rebuild the friendships that may have been left on the slide for however long. And the ones worth having will forget all the **** and everything and just be glad you're a part of their lives again.

Talk to you later.

xxx




&& then buffy staked edward. the end.


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Old 25-05-2007, 10:02 AM   #3
craola
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I dont know much, but I know you're not alone.
After so long its not just going to be like flicking a switch and its better, its going to take time but you will get back to all you had before.
Im sorry I dont have many words, but you're very strong and things will get easier.
Love love
xxxx

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Old 25-05-2007, 11:28 AM   #4
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I just wanted to say that I understand. Very much.

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Old 25-05-2007, 12:30 PM   #5
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As I keep saying to you hun, now is the time to take some of your own advice!!! Which is actually really good advice!!!
This is where your body i fighting this. Its called Fear, recognise it for what it is. There will be a lot of it.

For so long, yor depression has been home. Its been a safe place for you to hide. Its become a comfort for you, almost like a friend. You used to it being there all the time, shadowing everything you do. Chaning how you react to things.

Now that it is lifting, you being to see the world in colour again! To experince things to feel things. And its scary. Its like relearning everything. ITs like losing a part of you! But things will be so much better once you do lose it. Once you learn that things dont always have to be this hard. Life isnt meant to be this hard. Life is for living.

Its going to take time to get used to it again.But you will. And you will be happy. Sure material things you might have lost, but is that really how you mark how good a life you have been? No its not. You mark it by how good your friends are and how you feel. Anything that makes you happy is worth it. And you have made some great friends. (ahem hehe)

If you still want the material things then you can get them back in time. The differnce being this time, you will appreciate them more. You will be thankful for what you have got.

You wont always feel like this hun, once you stop fighting it an you learn to deal with it, you will remember what true happiness is.

Take care hun
You know where I am.




Eva. Gone, but never forgotten 27.3.10

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Old 27-05-2007, 08:15 PM   #6
inkyspider
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I'm quite glad you made this post.
I'm having a lot of the same things at the moment.

I don't know if it's normal but i know that you're not alone. I am the same, and i think that the replies to this thread show that too.

I have a big fear of change and i think that's why i'm having such a big problem. Right now i can hide from life and i'm in a confortable place, even if it is a miserable place. The idea of 'getting better' and dealing with everything in a 'normal' way is incredibly scary.
I am hoping that this will change over time.

I think that after a while you'll get used to the change and begin to enjoy your life in a way you haven't in a long time. Hopefully then you'll realize how much better things are when your not depressed.

You will feel better about getting better i'm sure.

Take care,
Tabby x




The world is an interesting place when everyone you know has their own realities

Our scars remind us that the past is real


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Old 27-05-2007, 09:45 PM   #7
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Thanks all. :)

xxx



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 28-05-2007, 03:18 PM   #8
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letting go is hard

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Old 29-05-2007, 12:17 AM   #9
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I don't have any answers but all I can say to this is, I understand, alot.

Take your time.



Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in




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Old 30-05-2007, 12:31 PM   #10
Queen Crabbit
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Be safe sweetheart.

I'm worried about you and I miss you.




&& then buffy staked edward. the end.


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Old 30-05-2007, 06:10 PM   #11
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Echos Chels.
Please be easy with yourself hunni.




Eva. Gone, but never forgotten 27.3.10

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Old 30-05-2007, 06:55 PM   #12
inkyspider
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Echos kim and chels.

Hope you're alright.




The world is an interesting place when everyone you know has their own realities

Our scars remind us that the past is real


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Old 04-06-2007, 02:06 PM   #13
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i dont really have anything to useful to say, but i really understand where youre coming from.

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Old 04-06-2007, 03:32 PM   #14
EmmaM
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Its horrible coming out of it because its like starting over again.
You just have to try and get out as much as you can make new friends, possibly start a college course or new job try and make everything anew and so it doesn't remind you of the past bout that you had, i just got out of a long bout too and it is hard but possible :)





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Old 04-06-2007, 08:06 PM   #15
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I am finding it harder and harder each day. The lighter my mood the more weight there seems on my shoulders. I know what you are saying is right. Its what i would try to say to someone else. Im really not doing well with this. Its all getting a bit too much. sorry but thank you.

Its nice to know you understand and im not the only one to get scared by this.

Love to all

Matthew xxx



~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P
Bitter Angel is my Mitten
Animad is my Top Trump
All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P



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Old 04-06-2007, 08:28 PM   #16
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Ok I dont have much time so I might come back later and reply at more length but I wanted to say I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing at the moment. I've been on antidepressants for about a month, and as my mood gets better, I get more scared. More than anything, it's a huuuge change, and change tends to be scary.

One of the books I have about depression says that recovery is like solving your very own murder-mystery. You are both the victim and the detective which makes it rather difficult. In the same book, the author stresses that its very important to try to find out what caused your depression, because often it's a big hint that the way you were/are living was/is intolerable, and changes need to be made.

Its like... in Closer when Clive Owen is going on about how depressives want to be depressed because it validates them, if they were happy they would actually have to live... thats kinda how I feel. All I know how to do is battle and struggle through life. How do I learn to stop fighting, and start enjoying life? Im scared because I dont know who I will be when all this is over. But whoever and whatever I become, it's gotta be better than lying in bed all day paralysed by depression, right? Recovery is, as I'm finding out, slow. Its a very, very strange feeling, both to acknowledge how deeply unhappy and stressed and troubled I have been for so long, and to think that might change... its so weird.

I think the thing to do is take it in baby steps - at least, that's my plan!! Don't worry about "getting better" which sounds big and scary, just take it a day at a time.

Take care, PM me if you want to talk since I'm going through the same thing. x

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Old 05-06-2007, 12:44 AM   #17
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It can definately be very scary Matt.
I was really scared at the prospect of getting better too.

For me, it helped to make a list (either mental or physical) of what I am. Who I am. What I like. Almost.. A mind-map of myself. Then it helps you to realise that you're more than just depression...
Helped me a little anyway.

Hope you feel a bit less scared soon.
And it's great that you're starting to feel a bit better - I'm chuffed for you!
x



"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
[Marilyn Monroe]


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Old 05-06-2007, 03:39 PM   #18
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I truly understand because I was going through the same thing a while ago and it really scared me, because I was losing everything that caracterized my life for so long, it was like coming out through a storm that has taken everything away, coming out and realizing that all that was left is me...just me...no more things to hide in, hide from, making excuses, being ill and somewhat comfortably numb, although it was all but pleasent
but the thing I did was go back into the storm and get worse...I kinda hid away in my sickness and sadness, until I lost myself and now it seems even harder to get better...
I hope you will make it and get better and stay that way!!
Just think to yourself that you never want to go down that road again...
keep hoppin'!!




"Without innocence the cross is only iron, hope is only an illusion and Ocean Soul's nothing but a name.
The child bless thee and keep thee forever..."


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Old 05-06-2007, 08:53 PM   #19
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i understand what your going through.i dont have much advice other than this.stepping into a new place,leaving the place you know walking away from everything that was your existance is always going to be difficult and scary so what your feeling is totaly understandable.however it will pass,you will get through and i found a good way of getting through it was taking each day at a time,concentrate on filling your days with activities that wont take too much out of you,activities you can lose yourself in.its a good distraction and helps ease you in.i hope things work out well for you honey x



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Old 07-06-2007, 09:07 PM   #20
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I was scared of getting better. It was almost as if being sad was my comfort zone. And whenever I knew I was genuinely happy, I'd run away from it and force myself to feel sad.

Eventually you will get used to it :) Just put yourself out there and be happy to be happy.. sort of thing haha.

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