Struggling. Again.

[nonperson]

Well maybe you're suspicious because you know it's wrong to be lying to them.

I don't think they'd say you could be discharged if they knew you weren't ok enough to leave though... Do you think you're ok enough to go home?

[Cacoethes]

I needed to save the world but maybe it's too late now?
This whole coronavirus thing happened and got worse because they stopped me saving the world.
It can't be a coincidence that it all got worse when I got admitted. And that I was in Italy 2 weeks before it all got bad there.

They wouldn't let me leave if I told them the truth and I need to leave
I don't even know if I'd try to kill myself again
On the one hand it might make the coronavirus go away but on the other hand if I fail it would be a drain on emergency services and the NHS when they are already so stretched

[nonperson]

You need to be honest and tell someone about this.

People are dying all over the world because of this virus and it is honestly nothing to do with you. My uncle was also in Italy at a similar time - it's not his fault either. If you die too then it'll be another pointless death to add to the huge tally already. The world needs you alive.

Why do you need to leave?

[Cacoethes]

I can't. I can't stay here any longer.
It's loud and I don't like the routines and being pestered all the time by staff checking up on me. I know it's their job but seriously.
I really don't want to die but what if it makes this all better? Wouldn't I be selfish in staying alive?

[nonperson]

I understand it's not the best environment. Maybe when you get some leave it'll break it up a bit.

Getting caught up on "what ifs" is never good because what ifs naturally have no proof to back them up. Staying alive isn't selfish. The way I see it the world would be losing one of the nicest people... and if any more of the nice people die then the world will really be doomed.

You keep saying you don't want to die - that is the one constant thing that you feel strongly about so that means the right thing to do is stay alive.

[Cacoethes]

But would they let me have more leave if they knew the truth?

Thank you np, that means a lot

I know there is no proof and I'm struggling with that
Everyone keeps telling me I'm wrong but my head and the voices are saying it's right
I don't know what to think

[nonperson]

I don't know what they would do but isn't honesty the best policy?

Do you know what might help you work through it? Usually when anyone is confused or has a problem it usually does help to talk it through with someone out loud.

I know it's hard to accept things when there's no proof. Sometimes things aren't meant to be understood and we have to have faith, religious or not, or find some sort of belief or acceptance within ourselves that means we can carry on and not get bogged down with things we may never know the answers to. I know that sounds a bit vague and wishy washy and might not apply to your situation, but I think it applies to lots of life/meaning/purpose things in general.

[Cacoethes]

Usually it is. I was thinking about telling someone tonight but I am worried
And I'm not sure who I would talk to

That makes sense

[Auror.]

I think them knowing they can trust you to tell them when you're struggling can absolutely earn you more leave and more discharge.

I've absolutely talked about being dead and talked about plans before, and now that my providers know they can trust me to be honest about things and be honest about my risk, they are much less likely to recommend hospital or other more restrictive options.

Also interestingly, I asked my case manager human earlier this week if everyone getting sick was my fault. They said it is not my fault, and it is not something that a single human would have caused, because science and diseases do not actually work that way.

[Cacoethes]

That all makes sense

I asked to talk to someone but chickened out.
I'm going to bed now so will try again tomorrow if there's someone in that I can trust

That is true.

[nonperson]

Hope you can reach out to someone today. <3

[one_step_closer]

Honesty is always best, to make sure you're ok to cope with things at home.

Sending love.

[Cacoethes]

I was honest with my named nurse
Mostly regretting it now
I may still be allowed out on a walk with staff though

[nonperson]

Well done Beckie. I know you regret it now but if it keeps you alive then that's a good thing. Hopefully you will see that yourself soon.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you
I'm regretting it more and more
I should have just shut up
I'm so stupid

[one_step_closer]

You're not stupid at all. It would be more 'stupid' to not say anything and then end up going home unable to cope. Well done for managing to speak to someone.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you lindsay
I spoke to the psychologist about it today because the nurse suggested it
She's going to have a think about how they can help me

[Auror.]

Are you okay with that? It can feel weird/bad to talk about things like that at first, but it sounds like they want to help?

[Cacoethes]

I'm not sure.
It did feel weird and like I wasn't doing the right thing
They do want to help but there's nothing they can do to help
It's just how things are

[one_step_closer]

It's good that they're thinking of ways to help, I hope they can come up with something that you can see as being useful too. I guess it's worth a try.