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Old 09-07-2017, 12:54 AM   #1
Auror.
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therapy/therapist - unsure?

This is odd.

My therapist is basically like 99% sure she is kicking me out. Something about treatment interfering behaviours and patterns and she does not think we can work through it even though she knows that I want to.

And some of what she said to me... it just... something in my head just sort of clicked and I want to tell her but I am honestly unsure it would change anything.

It kind of clicked yesterday when she said something about like, this is not how treatment works and nobody else does things this way, you do all of these things and they are patterns and I was like. Hold the **** up. You’re assuming I have this fundamental knowledge with which you’re basing all of this on. And you have been this entire time??? Knowledge that I lack due to my history. I don’t know how treatment is supposed to go! I’ve never had that. It’s for lack of a better example, trying to teach someone calculus when they’ve skipped kindergarten and elementary school. So apparently we’ve been trying to do things when I literally lack the foundation to do them. So let’s back up, build that foundation, and try again. Which canNOT happen with someone I do not trust and who cannot recognise the patterns in me to call them out. And if any other therapist is also going to assume that I have this foundation, then I’m going to run into the exact same issue. Like don’t get rid of me and tell me the issue after the fact and never give it a chance to get addressed. Unorthodox? Maybe. But that seems to be a key issue here that literally just clicked in me, and maybe hasn’t really clicked with her. Or anyone else. I don’t know.

I want to try to work through things with her, but she has said that she does not think it is possible. But I honestly think if we take a step back and look at what my behaviours and patterns are, and address some of my issues surrounding how I handle treatment and build a sort of groundwork or guide, that I think things could move on and be different. And I want to try to explain that. But she has already said that it is up to her and it is her choice now.

I do not know if I am making any sense. Is it possible that this is a legit thing or am I just hopelessly trying to cling on and I need to let go?



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Old 09-07-2017, 04:35 PM   #2
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Maybe you could write this down and email her? Set our your concerns about lacking the foundation etc - you've put it down pretty well here so you can maybe just reword your post and explain what you'd like from her. Say that you understand its her decision and it might not change her mind but this thing has just clicked for you and you'd really like to be able to work on it with her as you trust her and she knows you and your issues etc. You've got nothing to lose by giving it a try.

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Old 09-07-2017, 04:46 PM   #3
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I agree with Amaranth. You have explained it very well and with a little tweak, I think you should send this to your therapist. To me, it shows you are willing to try and overcome the issues stopping you moving forward.

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Old 09-07-2017, 05:03 PM   #4
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I did try to word it better and email her. I even gave examples. But she's already said she knows I want to work with her and it is not up to me, that she is the one who thinks we cannot move forward and that clinically it is not right to. And that I do not get a say in it.



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Old 10-07-2017, 09:27 AM   #5
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I'm sorry it didn't work and she's made up her mind. Maybe you could ask her if she can recommend a new therapist for you; although you will still need to build up trust in a new therapist, it might be easier if you know your old therapist trusts them?

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Old 10-07-2017, 10:47 AM   #6
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She said she has to talk things over wih her director and colleagues to make sure she is making the right decision and that is not anything I get a say in. So to assume it is going to happen. I sent the email Saturday. So unsure if or when she will even read it.

She said she will just be giving me a list of community resources. That she knows I will never bother with but she has to give me. If this is for sure my trust is entirely broken. I never trusted anyone until now after hat happened when I was younger and to have it end this way. I can't do this again. I can't. The email is the only thing giving me any hope right now. I am not a human. I cannot stop crying or panicking for very long since finding out and I already took a number of days off work.

I am just trying to convince myself that it really is somehow 2017 and I am not 16 anymore. That I am an adult. I do not understand and I am not able to deal.



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Old 11-07-2017, 12:15 AM   #7
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I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Being kicked out of therapy sucks. But it's not the end. Regardless of the outcome, it's still good that you've send her the email. Even if she isn't going to read it, you'll know you did all you could do.

Maybe, actually looking through the list of community resources can give you some ideas as for what to do next? I know you're probably unwilling to try anything anytime soon, but still, maybe it's worth giving it a shot? I'm sorry this attempt ended like this for you, but you can try again. Maybe, you need a little time to get over this situation, but it's possible. You are a totally, 100% human and worthy of help. And for now, are there any things you'd like to do during your off time, that might help you relax a bit?

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Old 11-07-2017, 12:29 AM   #8
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I know what community resources there are. I've either tried them before or they've said they don't treat eds and they don't know what to do with my combination of issues.

She said she saw the email but would probably not respond until tomorrow afternoon as she needs time to be able to read it? I do not know if that means she is just being polite or if she is legit considering what I said.

Work keeps emailing me asking me about the rest of the week. I said I was seeing the doctor Wednesday so would tell them then. They said they need to know tomorrow. I said already that I would potentially try to come in tomorrow evening, would let them know tomorrow, and that I hoped by taking the time now I should be okay for the later part of the week. I understand they need to find people to cover if not but I already told them when I would let them know and why.

Just trying to stay calm, eat what I can, and sleep when I can. My dog still has to be at my mother's house so she does not question why I am not working. So I do not have her to help me stay calm.

Not having an official answer is not helping. Like dragging it out is getting my hopes up and means I am going to be even more crushed if she kicks me out.



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Old 11-07-2017, 10:22 PM   #9
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She says I do not trust her. And says that it makes sense that my reaction to treatment/therapy is trauma based. And she is still done.

WHY THE HELL. SO VALIDATE THAT MY ISSUES THAT I WANT TO WORK ON ARE TRAUMA BASED FROM PREVIOUS THERAPY EXPERIENCES. THEN ****ING RECREATE THAT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE????

I'm at a loss. I'm seriously at a loss.

I dont know how in a week things went from, let's keep working together to, no we can't move forward we're finished. I have no idea what I did that was so ****ing awful that we cannot work through even though I want to.

I'm at a loss and there is no ****ing way I am going to be able to move on in any kind of treatment with this ending this way.



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Old 12-07-2017, 12:08 AM   #10
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This is a dumb question.

Can treatment and or therapy experiences cause trauma or count as traumatic events?



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Old 12-07-2017, 10:49 AM   #11
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All sorts of things can be traumatic it depends on the person.

From an outside observer it seems like is a reoccurring problem - you start to work with a therapist or doctor and then they say they are unable to work with you. I wonder whether there are any of reasons are common and whether it would be worth thinking about what you could learn about the rules of therapy from the reasons given for discharge so that maybe next time you are a little more clued up about what to expect. Also what questions to ask at the start of therapy so that you know exactly what the therapist expects of you to continue to move forward.



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Old 12-07-2017, 05:45 PM   #12
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Yes, thank you, this is exactly why I said I wanted to address things. Because I have all these patterns of behaviour that are only going to happen again if unaddressed, and someone new will not be aware of them. And if nobody will ever address them and just kicks me out, then it's just perpetuating this cycle.

She's discharged me though. She wanted me to come in for some type of closing session and I said no. It would make me too upset.

I am broken and tired and I cannot be helped obviously. The only option she is recommending is not even one that exists. I have yet again been left on my own with no support and set up to fail. I get I ****ed up. But when I wanted to figure things out and took responsibility for ****ing up and have been saying for months I want to work to change and do things different and nobody will even give me a chance what next.

I am just done.



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Old 13-07-2017, 11:13 AM   #13
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I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

But I still think you can be helped. Maybe, a different person, a different approach, one more attempts and you'll get better. What is that only option she provided you with? Do you mean the list of community services, or something else? You don't have to fail. You can keep on going and prove them all wrong.

Please, don't give up. It haven't always been this way, right? It doesn't have to always stay this way either.

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Old 13-07-2017, 11:13 PM   #14
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Hi Auror.
I am a little lost- because I don't know if sometimes you hear things/ perceive things accurately when getting feedback from others.
Depending on the profession, my understanding is that ethically a therapist ought not to continue therapy if it has no further benefit. That being said- if you have a need for a trauma specialist it would probably make more sense being referred to one rather than give general "community resources" to weed through.
I would hope that your experiences aren't traumatic but yes if a therapist is working outside of their competency they could make things worse for you.
I would advise you to contact the director and see if anyone else in the service has trauma experience. Especially stress the fact that sourcing community services is not something you can do. Highlight that you need a referral to a therapist not a resource....because they could at least call and see if one is taking new clients or have experience in treating trauma/ ED.





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Old 14-07-2017, 01:01 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Juella View Post
I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

But I still think you can be helped. Maybe, a different person, a different approach, one more attempts and you'll get better. What is that only option she provided you with? Do you mean the list of community services, or something else? You don't have to fail. You can keep on going and prove them all wrong.

Please, don't give up. It haven't always been this way, right? It doesn't have to always stay this way either.
She thinks I need "long term residential care" which she's even told me is not sure it is a thing that exists (both just general existence and that would be able to handle my specific issues), nor is it financially possible even if I were willing. So she's basically said an option that doesn't exist and isn't possible.

She's supposedly going to send me a list of community resources, which is the same list she sent me before that I have exhausted.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bitomato View Post
Hi Auror.
I am a little lost- because I don't know if sometimes you hear things/ perceive things accurately when getting feedback from others.
Depending on the profession, my understanding is that ethically a therapist ought not to continue therapy if it has no further benefit. That being said- if you have a need for a trauma specialist it would probably make more sense being referred to one rather than give general "community resources" to weed through.
I would hope that your experiences aren't traumatic but yes if a therapist is working outside of their competency they could make things worse for you.
I would advise you to contact the director and see if anyone else in the service has trauma experience. Especially stress the fact that sourcing community services is not something you can do. Highlight that you need a referral to a therapist not a resource....because they could at least call and see if one is taking new clients or have experience in treating trauma/ ED.
I only brought up the trauma thing in one line to her that she ignored until I asked for clarification and she said it was possible. I said I wanted to work on treatment interfering behaviours and she just said that is not something that can be done outpatient. I gave specific ways that we could move forward and how things could change, she just refused and said she saw no way to do it. Like you said, she felt she could not help but the way she was wording things it really did not sound like a clinical judgement. It really sounded like she was just frustrated and had given up, and she did say that she was frustrated and she did not think I can change on more than one occasion. (Why would I want to work with someone who does not even believe in my ability to change?)

She had to get permission from her director to be able to see me again as I had been discharged before. She was the only one I was allowed to see and part of the agreement I came back under was that if things ended again for whatever reason that I was discharged completely with no chance of return.

If I've misunderstood something then hopefully you can clarify.



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Old 20-07-2017, 08:49 PM   #16
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Heya, I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out with your therapist. Is there any option to have that closing session after all? I think it would be really helpful for you to communicate all the things that are bothering you about how this has been handled and for her to explain things and work with you to establish what the next steps will be following discharge.

Are you able to look into the options for long term residential care?



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Old 21-07-2017, 12:41 AM   #17
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Hi Jenna,

No it doesn't sound like the closing session is something that could occur. I am still against it because it would be too upsetting. I have accepted I have to move on and will never fully understand why she felt it was necessary. I may try to see if I can get my notes from her sessions at some point to look at, but everything is still too raw right now.

Long term residential care literally isn't a thing in this country. So no.

I did email the treatment center where I was before. They will no longer accommodate veganism. Period. So treatment in any capacity just is out for now. I have to be in school to have insurance. I have to be taking classes that count towards my degree to stay eligible for financial aid, and the only classes I still need are offered in person only. So unless I can be in treatment and at home for school to start and attend, it's out. Which between them not letting me be vegan, and their only recommendation a level of care across the country, not at the treatment center here at home, treatment is out. If there were other treatment centers locally (there are not) I couldn't even consider them. I cannot talk about the new stuff with someone brand new.



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Old 21-07-2017, 02:31 PM   #18
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It's a tough situation indeed. It's good that you began to accept certain aspects of it. Really, getting the notes and figuring out the reasons is best left for later times, when you will not be so upset by the whole situation and feel better.

You did great job emailing the treatment center. Even though it doesn't seem available right now, it's very good you're still looking at the options. I'm sure there must be something.

I don't know what to say, really, other than I'm sorry and I hope things work out for you. I know it's a really tough situation to be in.

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Old 22-07-2017, 04:26 PM   #19
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Closing at Carmen's request. Let us know if you want it reopened at any point :)



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