Hey, sorry I know I have recently made a lot of threads in here (and everywhere else).
I'm struggling quite a lot with dealing with trauma, and what is considered 'normal'. I have many questions, if anyone would be willing to answer, or share briefly I would be incredibly grateful. But if this is inappropriate or things I should not be asking, please tell me and I shall delete this thread :)
If you have experienced trauma, do people in real life know? If so, how many people know?
If they don't know, why don't they know? If they do, what determines who knows and who doesn't know?
Very few people in my life know what happened... 3 in total (excluding people from here). Out of those 3, only 1 person completely knows, the other 2 know brief things. However in addition to this, there are people who vaguely know or have assumed something has happened. I don't understand if you should tell people, who should know, why? etc.
Also do your parents know? Why? Why not? My parents don't know, nor do I think I will ever tell them.
Many people speak openly about what has happened to them, does this come with time? Or does it depend on who you are as a person? What makes you want to speak openly about it?
Apologies... that was a lot more questions than I intended... I guess I'm just interested in what determines whether people in your life know about trauma you have experienced. Thank you in advance for any replies.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Sounds like you've got a lot of questions buzzing round your head. I will try to answer as many as I can for you so here it goes....
If you have experienced trauma, do people in real life know? If so, how many people know?
Yes people in real life know along with more people from here and another forum I go to. I have told 10 people (three who I no longer see and rarely speak to just because I've moved on not through any trauma or drama)
If they don't know, why don't they know? If they do, what determines who knows and who doesn't know?
Okay the why do they know of the ten people, I shall number them!
1. Asked me outright "have you ever been abused" and I didn't say yes or no and then later (I mean days later) got the courage to say yes but didn't say in any detail.
2. and 3. I informed them as they were both trying to help me through a break down and I felt like they deserved to have a bit more info as to what was going on so I could get the right support.
4. Was a teacher from school who supported me as a teenager and then got in contact again with me in my 20s to see how I was doing and I told her as I felt like she knew everything about me but that.
5. 6. 7. 8. 9. are all very close friends of mine. Some I've shared more with than the others but 7. 8. and 9. have all been through similar abuse so we've talked things through together.
10. is my husband who I share everything with. I told him along with everything about myself before we started dating as a sort of "if you think you can handle my baggage let's see how a relationship goes, if not let's not even begin a relationship and then no one gets hurt". Luckily he felt like he could deal with it and we're now married.
People who don't know are ALL of my family, colleagues, people from school, other not so close friends.
I don't understand if you should tell people, who should know, why? etc.
I don't think there is a case of who 'should' know and who 'shouldn't' but more of who you would like to know, who you would trust to know and not spread it around, who would take the news and support you rather than take it the wrong way. It has to be a judgement call by you for each individual person in your life.
Also do your parents know? Why? Why not? My parents don't know, nor do I think I will ever tell them.
My parents don't know and life you they will never ever know. The reasons for me is because they will react completely irrationally and selfishly which is exactly how they responded when I first told them I was self harming. The immature and selfish way they reacted meant that I was never going to tell them anything serious ever again. But that's my parents... everyone has different parents.
Many people speak openly about what has happened to them, does this come with time? Or does it depend on who you are as a person? What makes you want to speak openly about it?
I think that time helps. I was 20 before I first spoke about it in person and being 26 now, I still find it incredibly difficult. I started going to a group for sexual abuse survivors a couple of months ago and am still yet to speak up. I know it will come when the time is right. You've got to learn to be patient with yourself and don't try to force yourself to say anything before you're ready. I think it will depend on the person you're with, your state of mind, your mood, the topic of conversation etc but when the time is right, you'll know.
I hope this has helped you a bit?
Sophie.x
Soon... Now will be then...Today will be yesterday... Present will be past...And thought will be memory... So...Live for the future! Make your future how you want it!
Okay, so I'm going to take a stab at answering some of your questions. These are questions that I wish I'd had a lot of the answers to when I was younger.
If you have experienced trauma, do people in real life know? If so, how many people know? Some people in real life know. Generally, the more important to me they are, the higher chances of them knowing me. For me, my trauma informs a lot of my behavior and feelings still and it's a big part of me. It's how I grew up.
However, people I've met in the last three years generally know only this "I have PTSD. Asking about how I got it is pretty rude." ("I'll tell you but only if you tell me about the absolute worst, most horrible day of your life in vivid detail" is generally how I answer when that comes up)
Pretty much, my boyfriend and my very close friends, unless something comes up and it's important for you to know. I also tend not to volunteer information but I will answer if asked a direct question.
If they don't know, why don't they know? If they do, what determines who knows and who doesn't know?
People who don't know, generally don't know because they don't need to. Why do my coworkers need to know I have PTSD? Does it help our relationship? What would be the point of telling them?
Yes, it's a big part of my life, but not everyone needs to know about the big parts of my life as they are not important to me, nor am I to them.
I don't understand if you should tell people, who should know, why? etc.
People ought to know if there's a reason. A relationship can be a reason. Like, on a first date, you're not going to tell someone everything about you. You build some trust and as you get to know them, they get to know you.
Generally, doctors might know an outline of what happened because they may need the information to treat you.
Therapists will generally need to know to treat you.
Significant others should know because the trauma is a part of you and they want to get to know you. All the parts of you, even the ugly ones. However, they do NOT need to know the nitty gritty unless that's something you want to share.
Close friends might know because it's a part of you and that's part of friendship. The level of detail may differ there.
Acquaintances typically do not know. What's the reason they should know?
Coworkers are also along this line. Unless there's a reason for them to know, they don't have to.
You're not obligated to share your entire life with everyone. If you don't want to share, then don't. If you want to share 'oh hey, I have x' then do so. But don't feel guilty if you feel like you're hiding it. They don't have the right to know everything about you.
Also do your parents know? Why? Why not? My parents don't know, nor do I think I will ever tell them.
My parents do and don't know. They do know as they caused and participated in the trauma. They do not know as they deny it happened or that it was a big deal or other things along those lines.
We do not discuss it.
Many people speak openly about what has happened to them, does this come with time? Or does it depend on who you are as a person? What makes you want to speak openly about it?
I am not very open about what happened to me as I don't believe it's most people's business. That might be a me thing. I don't feel obligated to share, but it's not something I hide. If it comes up, I admit that I have PTSD most of the time, but I also ask why they need to know. Some people are very open in general and I believe that they may speak more openly about what happen to them because they're a more open person in general. I'm not.
If you have experienced trauma, do people in real life know? If so, how many people know?
Yes , 8/9 people of which i only told 3.
If they don't know, why don't they know? If they do, what determines who knows and who doesn't know?
I initially told my mum when the memories got bad (very briefly - minimised to quite an extent). She told others
Around the same time I told another friend because he noticed my low mood and I trusted him so I told him. That helped a bit.
Recently told my best friend. I was hoping she would hate me because she’s always too nice to me and that was irritating. But that didn’t change anything, she was still nice to me. I guess my aim through telling her was to find out if she would still like me since I’ve known her from before the abuse happened and I felt like the person she was friends with was not who I am now.
I don't understand if you should tell people, who should know, why? etc.
I think it depends on who you're comfortable with telling and if you trust them. Personally for me its a matter of what do i want to achive by telling them.
Also do your parents know? Why? Why not?
See above. I wish they didn't know though.
Many people speak openly about what has happened to them, does this come with time? Or does it depend on who you are as a person? What makes you want to speak openly about it?
I'm not sure. I'm still not comfortable talking to those who already know.
Last edited by Sock : 22-05-2017 at 05:07 PM.
You have to do everything you can. You have to work your hardest. And if you do, if you stay positive, then you have a shot at a silver lining
'Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life'
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”
Thank you all so so much for your replies and for sharing. I Know these weren't exactly easy questions to answer, but I really appreciate you taking the time to answer them. It's been really helpful to hear all your responses. And has helped me to understand others thoughts and how they deal with it.
I feel like I have so many questions and so many thoughts in my head. I'm
Not sure how to answer them. Or where to even begin.
If you have experienced trauma, do people in real life know? If so, how many people know?
Some people in my real life know. Only close friends know any details (and those are very sketchy details), and my therapist and wife know the most. However, I am more open about just saying I've 'gone through trauma' to people that I generally trust because I don't feel that gives anything in particular away.
If they don't know, why don't they know? If they do, what determines who knows and who doesn't know?
For me it's all about trust and whether the disclosure will be useful for either myself or the other person. So I kind of evaluate that at the time, during the conversation. If I trust them and I'm going to get support, then I'll go for it. If I don't (or even if I do) but I think it might trigger me or make things worse then I definitely won't say anything.
I don't understand if you should tell people, who should know, why? etc.
For me it's about getting the right support. I don't think there are any 'shoulds' because it's about what's right for the individual. I find life easier to be open with my friends, so that's why I've told them.
Also do your parents know? Why? Why not? My parents don't know, nor do I think I will ever tell them.
I never thought I'd tell my parents, but only recently I sent an email telling them that I'd gone through trauma as a child. I didn't give them any details and told them not to ask any questions. They were actually really validating in their response and I'm pleased I did it.
I hope that helps in some small way. If you have any more questions or thoughts please feel free to check them out here.
