Saw my bowel surgeon and it's time for major surgery. C is being grumpy again. If I behaved like that he would berate me. Feel fat and ugly, genuinely need to lose some weight.
*hugs mark*
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Liddy dont worry too much though when i had to get metal plates in my ankle even though it was not major surgery i was still terrified. It was a nice little sleep while it lasted though so im sure it will be fine.
How is everyone else?
Really tired as the 7am starts are kicking in now, because im still stressed in not sleeping much and two more days to go. Though i tend to go to bed at 9pm and need to be up for 4.30am and out the house at 5.30am. Yesterday and today was better at work as finally got put in a team and at least my friend was in the same team so im not on my own. Also had a chat with my new manager as my old one had mentioned stuff about me to him. Surprising thats the second manager thats told me they have depression and attempted suicide guess its more common than i think. I guess at least my manager is being supportive in a way but at the same time its all going to change again in a few months probably but who knows what will happen by then as i can only think day to day right now.
But many people have depression, how many people have bpd? It would be easier to say to people yeah i just have depression but to say yeah im borderline is 100 times worse because of the stigma. Or because the first thought is attention seeker and stay the hell away and even the mental health profession is like that as well. I guess the sad fact is im afraid to let people know because its so stigmatised compared to other disorders and i dont want to be judged or be told im attention seeking esp because im panicking in work quite a bit and tearful sometimes and i dont want to be accused of that.
Thanks mark but i have never been that bothered about taking care of wounds and such, i will live though but i dont want to get to the point of doing it in work again.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Yep Mark my bowels have caused me problems for nearly 3 years. I've had 2 bowel operations this year so far where they botoxed the muscles in my bowel to temporarily disable them and repaired the tears. It hasn't worked so now they are going to cut through the muscles in my bowel to permanently affect them and do repair work. Thing is its highly likely I will get urge incontinence and possible I will get permanent incontinence. I'm not scared of operations, I've had many and they don't phase me at all - its the possible incontinence of the er, rear end, thats making me nervous of this particular operation.
in BPD hell, I'm having the surgery coz the lining of my bowel keeps tearing and then my muscles are contracting pulling the tears in and out. I have a too low pressure in my bowel making it hard for me to have a normal bowel function.
Today is my 3rd day of a stinking headache and I've got my CPA this afternoon too!
Last edited by fragile as glass : 16-10-2014 at 11:39 AM.
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Sorry for being AWOL :( I moved to Cardiff a month ago, and things have been hectic with starting uni and all.
I will reply to posts soon, but right now I am very very stressed out.
1st of all it's mom's 3 month death anniversary and I tried to do something nice in her memory so I went to the park and had a sort of mini-picnic by myself. It was nice but then I realised I don't know where my key is(to my room; I'm staying in uni halls), and I might have lost it(most probably) at the Student Support Centre, and I tried going there, but it's closed. And I cannot go to security, because in order to give me a replacement key, I'd have to pay a £30 charge, and I am completely broke, that's literally all I have left until the end of the month and possibly part of November unless I get a job..
And to make matters worse a 'friend' is messaging me on facebook telling me she had the 'worst day ever' bumping into her ex's girlfriend or something...
Witchy hope you managed to find your key, if not try speaking to your uni and explaining the situation as the reason the charges are expensive is to put you off losing it.
Doesnt sound nice liddy but hope your meeting went well!
How are you cheryl and mark and everyone else?
I think all i do now is moan and woe is me but its just difficult now, i broke down in work again today as had an anxiety attack this morning and had to ask to go outside to calm down and let meds kick in and rest of the day was slightly sobbing at my desk as the was really really quiet (had 13 calls in 7.5 hours when usually its like 40/50) so i had more time to sit and think rather than be distracted. People noticed and asked if i was okay but what am i supposed to say? that im sad because i feel that way and i dont have a reason why, I dont like people noticing as it draws attention i dont want.
Got told to go home a little early because i was in a state and was told by my manager to call a helpline as thats what he advises people to do, and checking i was going somewhere safe after work (seriously sounded like one of thoese lets make sure you wont go to top yourself things) and to forget about work and back in on mon. However im worried if i continue to break down in work and it becomes more of an issue its something i can lose my job over, i know they cannot sack me because im ill but they can still get rid of me.
Anyway i have not explained whats wrong with me to my new manager only the dysthmia part and only told my old manager i had bpd but didnt explain it more than that. Im not sure if it would be wise to explain what it is and how it affects me or if thats too much, i don't want to incriminate myself.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
