Struggling. Again.

[tamobhuuta]

How would you feel about being supervised in the shower? I don't know how your rooms are set out.

[Cacoethes]

Not something I'd be comfortable with.
It's en suite and the shower floods the whole bathroom so I have to get dressed in my room
I doubt they'd want to do that anyway
Another member of staff brought up putting me on 1:1 but the main nurse was very against it so they probably wouldn't supervise me

[tamobhuuta]

I just thought it's something they might suggest, obviously it's best if you can keep your privacy! Would you be safe showering?

[Cacoethes]

I probably wouldn't be safe
I've just asked and they said I do have to have someone with me when I shower so I have to wait
I do think a shower would calm me down but I probably would end up doing something if left alone

[tamobhuuta]

Well done for recognising that you wouldn't be safe.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you
I'm so sick of this
I want to go home

[tamobhuuta]

Totally understandable, I hope you will be ready to go home asap but don't rush.

[one_step_closer]

Get home and sacrifice yourself or get home and live? I hope they will let you home when you are ready to live and stay safe.

[Cacoethes]

Yes get home and sacrifice myself
They don't believe me about any of this so they probably won't let me home
I'm actually dreading seeing the doctor this week because so much has happened
I've just collapsed as well for some reason
Back in my room but I have nothing to do anything with so not sure what to do

[Cacoethes]

Last night things got worse
They restrained and sedated me and put me on 1:1

[tamobhuuta]

No advice but sending you lots of love and hugs x

[Cacoethes]

Thank you x

I'm not feeling any better today
I think it's just going to continue to get worse

[tamobhuuta]

Maybe it's like bungee jumping - you feel like you are plummeting but you will go back up...

[Cacoethes]

I don't think there is any coming up from this
Don't know why it suddenly feels so urgent but I have to die soon
It's all I can think about

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry things are continuing to be so hard. Sometimes people get stuck in certain thoughts/obsessions. I know I have and it did eventually pass. Please try and focus on being honest with the staff and keeping safe, even if you don't think you want to right now.

[Cacoethes]

The staff are just frustrating me now
They refuse to listen or understand

[one_step_closer]

That does sound frustrating. Maybe they don't understand but it would be better if they at least allowed you to feel heard.

[Eska]

Is there something particular that they don't understand?

[Cacoethes]

They don't understand that I have to die to save the world
They don't believe me
I've had several more incidents today but they keep catching me and threatened another injection
They don't understand that this has to happen
It's for the good of everyone
Why are they so against that???

[Auror.]

Is it possible that they understand that you believe you have to be dead, but they don't agree with you? It's their job to keep you safe, and letting you hurt yourself is the opposite of that. Their job is to focus on you, not on everyone else.