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Old 22-02-2017, 07:37 PM   #1
Oubliette
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
I think my dad bullies me.

I think my dad bullies me. My one friend, whom I talk to online, thinks he does. My dad is just exhausting. Every three weeks or so, we get into screaming matches. I say screaming matches, but honestly he contributes most to the matter. In the past, I've dealt with them by shutting up and staring at the wall. He still managed to continue for over an hour on multiple occasions. What does he rant about, you may ask? Mostly the same things. It's gotten to the point where I can usually list the things he's going to complain about, and he hits most, if not all, of them.
I can't always tell what triggers his explosions. It's usually to do with my mum. Most recently, it was about her offering to take me shopping for my birthday, as dad had already done. I live with my dad. I see mum sometimes. Dad is convinced that mum is a master manipulator whose every action is deviously calculated in order to ruin his life and get me to hate him. Honestly, I don't think mum actually has the wherewithal to be a master manipulator. He doesn't seem to realise that any bad will I have towards him is the result of his own actions. He spends actual hours ranting about how he's a good person and a good parent, and how mum is a bad person and a bad parent, and how everyone else agrees that he is a better person and parent than mum, and how I, as his daughter, should be refusing to see mum if she does things that he thinks are bad and should tell her off for saying bad things about him.
I'm frozen most of the time. He says things, and I'm too paralysed to a respond. Later, I think back, and I think of things I could have said. I try to remember them for next time because they'll inevitably be just as relevant.
It's distressing. I don't like it when he shouts at me. It's mostly about things I can't control and that I've specifically asked him not to talk to me about.
I've tried ignoring him completely, as I said. I've tried locking myself in the bathroom. I've tried telling him to get out of my room because it's my space. In that case, he told me it was his house and then stood there refusing to answer whether my room belonged to me or him. I've tried leaving the house, but he refuses to let me take any of my things with me because he says that they're his because he paid for them. Most recently, I've point blank told him that it makes me upset and asked him whether he cares that sometimes I spend hours sobbing in my room in reaction. He said that he does, but he then continued and ignored it.
The worst part is that sometimes he says things that make sense or make me feel sorry for him. And then I'm stuck wondering whether I'm the bad person or if I'm selfish for not considering his feelings enough.
The usual aftermath is not speaking for the rest of either the day or the work-day, depending on what time of day and day of the week it is; and then the next day everything goes back to normal, as if nothing happened. It makes me feel crazy. Am I just over-reacting? Is this a normal thing? Is it something I'm just supposed to take?
He says he gets angry and he can't help it. Sometimes, on the day-of and no later, he'll message me on facebook: You know it's just because I care about you. As if that's meant to make it all okay. Sometimes, I think about what his thought process must be like when he sends those messages, and I near hysteria. One of us is insane. I'm terrified it's me.

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Old 04-03-2017, 03:39 PM   #2
bitomato
 
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First up....insane no. Normal experience....I think maybe your dad is venting at you rather than your mum- because he can. As you observed you are at times a captive audience.
But I do think it is important to have some discussion with him about personal space and the shouting. Sure it is his house, but if for example there are no locks in the house- like you cannot lock him out your bedroom, he still needs to afford you a right to privacy and to regulate i.e. sobbing if you need to. If he doesn't then it goes beyond having a moan to bordering on verbal abuse.
Can you cope with 10 minutes....5 minutes....like you said if it gets repetitive- at what point do you feel triggered? What are your thoughts, feelings, sensations.....a journal would be really helpful to document this.

In my own family I had a zero tolerance for raised voices and certain topics. The lack of awareness from others- especially that it was my issue alone if I was triggered was really heart breaking. But you have to preserve your mental health. For me they didn't change...only how I dealt changed.

1. Are you a minor? If so, I strongly advise talking to a guidance counselor or someone who can give you a professional advice regarding your own coping strategies. Neither you or your father seem to feel heard in the shouting matches. But you have now chosen to shut down....which isn't really good. You have a voice and deserve to be heard- so maybe a guidance counselor can give you that affirmation and alternative tools like art, music etc.

2. Mum- whether she is a master manipulator or not- she is your mum. What you feel for her is acutely personal, and the first question I ask is are you not living with her because she is a danger to you. Maybe your parents are playing a game way above your pay grade so to speak- but you are their kid not their referee. Family counseling may be warranted, and someone to draw lines in the sand regarding seeing mum "sometimes". Do you need her more? With things other than buying you stuff? I don't think you should have to chose between them but what is most important again is what you think you need from BOTH of your parents. If it is a custody thing....maybe for your own structure- try to get your mom to commit to more than "sometimes?"- like once a week/ every two week?
Finances which cause bitterness with parents.....like why is she buying you stuff instead of paying for....They really need to sit down and discuss and not try to make you chose sides. To me it is clear it is your parents' drama.

Depending on your age and resources, it can be really stressful trying to cope with emotional development and physical independence.
I am not able to write on this site alot. But it has a journal section which can be private or made so others on the site can read it. It may feel safer than a journal in your bedroom.
Where would you go if you left the house? Is it somewhere truly safe?
Sometimes a break for a couple of hours, library- to read a book, mall with your headphones on, walk in a park- taking a physical break changing the space that doesn't come across as a threat to move out.
What can you control? If you try speaking to your dad in a slow, quiet deliberate way- not being rude, but being committed to getting your point across to control your emotional level....does he follow you in the bathroom? After 10 minutes, if you feel yourself triggered maybe retreat to the 'toilet' sneak in some headphones and a book....take a bath or do your nails/ hair (sorry I did ask you gender etc)....an excusable time taker: after 30 min- 1 hour. If he hasn't calmed down by the time you get out, take a physical break or do the homework thing....and call a friend to 'discuss it'.
Don't give up on you- it does get...different.





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Old 14-04-2017, 01:13 AM   #3
panzerlang
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It sounds like your dad is stressed about not feeling in control of a whole bunch of stuff and sees you as something he can potentially control. When you resist that control it triggers his frustration/anger and he goes off on one. Basically it's a lack of what's called emotional intelligence (I've been that person myself, in spades). He wants you to validate him and his authority (control). It would/should be possible to rationally explain these things to an adult but most adults are just grown-up kids at the best of times with a whole lot of baggage and their kids, seeing this, are not equipped to articulate the concepts.

If I was you I'd print out the posts in this thread and give them to him to read, maybe as a way to try and break what sounds like a log-jam. He doesn't sound like a bad bloke, he just needs to be made aware of the pain he's inflicting on you? If you can do that it might be an opportunity for him to 'level up'. :)

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