So I have a lot of scars from my past, mostly self harm related and wondering what y'all do to mentally get past them in the context of relationships, but also just how you can be confident with scars? I've been really struggling with confidence about my appearance recently and most things I can change or at least work with, I exercise regularly, eat healthily, play around with make-up etc, but I really can't do anything about my scars realistically. (I've had them for years, they are all over my body, I can't and don't want to cover most of them because it's prohibitive for a lot of reasons) I'm worried that my scars are going to and do negatively impact people's views on me.
I'm also a little worried about future dating prospects, I'm not dating right now or trying to but I'm concerned about how my scars are going to affect who I can date, or if I can at all. I just feel like I can't be attractive with the amount of scars that I have no matter what I try and it's getting me down. Anyone have experience dating with a lot of scars? How did it go? Just looking for similar stories and advice.
My scars are hidden and the only people have seen them are medical staff and my boyfriend. I don't know when I first broached the subject with him. We met online and I know when we first started going out I emailed him about something else that though is really personal, he needed to know and I think it either came up before then. I've got a feeling I mentioned it on Skype that I used to SH before we even met and yes, it may've helped that I'd not had any new cuts for a long time but it was still hard. I terms of showing him, I was nervy but I basically just got on with it; I think he came across some on his own. I asked him a few months later what he thought of them when he first saw them and he said that he didn't remember really but that they were more than he thought. So yeah, with him it was really positive but I am scared stiff to show anyone else (who isn't medical and things. I've faced that the whole time and am used to it).
I struggled for a long time with my scars, and letting people see. I was too scared to wear short sleeves in public unless other people were with me for fear of what comments I might get.
But actually no-one ever gave me nasty comments. And it got to a point where I decided that my body is my own and I wont let fear dictate what I wear. Plus in the summer I was too hot covering up! So I just went for it and wore t-shirts and cropped jeans and to hell with what anyone else thought.
I feel so free! My family all know about my past self harm, they've had about 10 years to come to terms with it, and they dont bat an eyelid at my scars any more. When I used to go to church I started wearing short sleeves and the minister actually came over and congratulated me for wearing short sleeves and said it was important that the other members of the church accept that I have scars. 99% of the congregation were totally fine about it, I had one comment from someone who was new but it wasn't nasty really, he was just openly curious!
Regarding dating, I've only ever done online dating. I know that in a few pictures on my profile I had short sleeves on and if you looked hard enough you could see my scars. When I got friendly with a guy I would always tell them about my self harm before we met in person. My opinion was always that if they have an issue with it then they were not worth meeting and totally not boyfriend material.
None of the people I met had an issue with it. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is 100% comfortable with my scars. I was obviously nervous the first time I wore short sleeves. I didn't make a big deal, I didn't announce to him that I was going to show him, one day I just wore a t-shirt and we got on with our day. He didn't stare or make comments.
We've talked about my self harm since, and a few times I've asked him if he's embarrassed to be with me in public when my scars are visible, and he laughed and said why the hell would he be embarrassed? I've also visited his family up north a few times, and I think they knew vaguely from my boyfriend that I struggled with depression, but one day it was just way too hot for long sleeves so I put a t-shirt on and we played monopoly and his parents didn't stare or ask me about them at all. I was so relieved!
There was the time, at the beginning of the year, when I was supposed to visit them for new year and instead I had to go to A&E to see the crisis team so my boyfriend phoned his mum and explained. I was so nervous that she'd freak out and tell him to dump me but actually she was so lovely and just concerned that I felt so bad and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.
So I guess personally I've not encountered any real bad comments from showing my scars. Some members of the public stare for a few seconds, but to be honest I've done that before when I've seen other people with scars before I've stopped myself!
I just think that I need to be "me". I'm not going to hide away for anyone because they aren't worth knowing if they react badly.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I don't feel particularly self-conscious about my scars, but one thing that did always bother me was not knowing what other people thought when they saw them so I just asked one of my friends what she'd thought when she first noticed. She said she just felt a bit sad that I'd ever hurt myself and that was about it. I imagine that's what most people think and in my experience, hardly anyone ever mentions it.
In terms of relationships, I date someone from this site, so that's not really an issue, but I do think that if someone would choose not to date you because you have some scars, then would you really want to date them in the first place?
When I broke up with my first boyfriend I was really worried about my scars too, as he used to self-harm also so I'd never had the experience of meeting someone who wasn't familiar with it. I decided the best thing I could do was to be upfront and honest after building up communications.
I met my current boyfriend online, and after we'd been chatting for a few months and had been on a few dates, I knew things were going to be getting more intimate. I'd worn short sleeves in front of him before but he'd not said anything so I decided to be blunt and tell him where the scars were from and that I had many more on other parts of my body. He was surprised as he said he'd seen the scars on my arms but hadn't even thought they were self-harm related - he's not the most observant! He was also very sweet about it and said he was glad I was recovered. When we actually met in person I just showed them to him calmly so he knew what to expect and again he was very kind and non-judgemental.
I would recommend just being honest once you trust the person you want to tell, and if it's an issue for them, they're not someone you'd want to be with. Good luck!
I barely cover my scars any more; I only really do in front of my parents (they know about them but I'd rather not be shoving it in their faces whenever I visit).
All of my boyfriends have accepted my scars and all they've ever said about them is that it'd hurt them if I started again (which I understand). I've usually mentioned it to them whenever the matter is appropriate; like if I'm gonna be not wearing long sleeves for whatever reason I've told them where they're from.
Now, even when I'm at work I don't cover them except for a few bracelets which don't cover them but are just a bit of a distraction from them.
To be honest, I've not had anyone comment on mine for a year or more. I see some people looking but they never comment.
I guess the only thing to do is accept that they're going to fade in time (but probably never disappear completely - I know mine won't) and if you can't change them you might as well learn to live with them. You can't hide them ALL your life and you deserve a better life than trying to. You only live part of life if you're constantly wearing long sleeves and hiding away. Why shouldn't you be able to enjoy the feel of the sun on your arms on a summer day etc?
Just be honest with the people you care about and if they are worth it they'll accept you as you are.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I wear short sleeves every day. There is nothing I can do so I realised I would have to not give a damn. If I ever feel self-conscious or someone asks, I look at my messy scars and read them like a tattoo. Mine say "because we all make decisions we have to live with, and this is me living with mine. Next question."
As for dating, it has never been a problem because I have always been careful not to let douchebags see me naked. But that would have been a general rule anyway.
Be patient with yourself until you come to terms with your body, because if you don't act like it is a negative thing then most people won't see it as a negative thing. Never feel like you should be ashamed to be positive about your own body. Don't panic, because most people either don't notice or don't care. If they do, still don't panic, because they are usually well-intentioned. Also don't panic about what you can't change. Basically just don't panic.
I've been working on coming to terms with the state my body is in also, and although it can be difficult at first over time you just don't even think about it.
The majority of my scars are on my mid thighs, and at first I was downright terrified to go to school with shorts on. But then I realized that the people that'll say negative things aren't even worth my time, and those who are just won't care. I've gotten a good dose of lingering stares, but I think it was kind of good in the sense that it desensitized me. I did get a few comments from my friends a couple times, but it was mostly along the lines of them commenting on the bettering state of my scars. I've learned to just let it roll right off me. It's honestly not worth it.
As for dating, I've had mixed positive and negative experiences, but I've realized that if whoever I'm seeing has a problem with my body (in any aspect), they aren't worth being with. My current boyfriend used to self harm also, and he gets a bit sad when he sees my scars, but never says anything negative. This weekend when we were together he compared fighting depression with fighting a tiger, and now he calls my scars my "tiger stripes," which has helped give me a more positive view on my body.
So I guess my advice is to come up with a more positive way to see your scars, whether it be by calling them by a different name or just accepting that they're part of who you are and your story. Good luck, stay strong and don't be afraid to just be you! :)
"The man in the song tries to love the girl, but she's not really there, not all the way. She's running from something inside of her that he can't see. I think that there's something like that inside of me." - Laurel, Love Letters to the Dead
I used to be incredibly self concious about my scars, I didn't wear short sleeves in public for years, but a couple of years ago I just stopped caring.
The only opinions that matter to me are the people close to me, people will stare when I go out or go on public transport and although it's uncomfortable when they stare, I know that I'm probably never going to see these people again or remember who they are and they don't know me, so why care what their initial judgement of me is?
I'm not happy with my scars, but they aren't going anywhere and I've accepted that they are a part of me now.
As for relationships, I've had 2 in the last couple of years, I've been upfront about my scars from the start and there's been no problem and as someone mentioned above, anyone that is bothered or embarrassed by your scars isn't worth bothering with.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
you tend to find more people aren't that bothered anymore as long as its not happening now. Im completely upfront and honest when someone asks me. If somebody cant get cope/deal with it then there not worth your time hunni! x
If you look in the mirror and dont like what you see, You can find out first hand what it's like to be ME! (MCR)
I am incredible lucky that no-one I ever meet gives a ****, to put it bluntly.
My current boyfriend is as blind as a bat and has never met anyone who has self harmed and he gets on with it fine, he finds me attractive, he loves me, I was never scared of showing him but that was probably due to my past of being very casual with my sexual relationships.
At work I wear whatever I like and no-one has ever had a problem, even when I take clients to see professionals there is never anything mentioned.
I think once I had some guy make 'that face' when he happened to glance at my boobs and then noticed the scars, but I just told him he shouldn't have been perving on my cleavage and he ran off deeply embarrassed, so yeah
In terms of dating, I'm usually quite honest about things from the start because there's absolutely no point in me hiding that I've had/do have 'issues' from someone who I'm intending on starting a relationship with, imo. So that's tended to be fine.
In terms of public reaction, I do get a lot of staring sometimes but I overheat so much that unless I'm having a really self-conscious day where I don't want to be looked at, I try to develop an air of 'I don't care' with regards to them because otherwise, I'd just end up feeling pants & being very hot. I understand that people will look, that's the other thing. I try to keep in the back of my mind that it's normal that people will have a quick look at things which they don't understand/that are shocking to see, but it's when people properly stare or ask inappropriate questions that it bothers me.
Overall, most people are quite nice about things & either just have a quick look & politely glance away or don't really notice because they're too self-involved. I tend to find that the more I'm looking out for people staring, the more I perceive people to be doing so. Keeping myself distracted & not being too worried about it is the best tactic sometimes.
End of rambly post.
