I guess I'll apologize in advance for how long this is going to be...
Last Monday night, I got into an argument with my parents. It led to my parents threatening and taunting me, and then my dad trying to throw away my kindle and cell phone. When I tried to go to my bedroom, they wouldn't let me. My dad (later) told me that the reason they wouldn't let me go to my bedroom is "you would have just locked the door and started cutting again". I tried to push them out of my way and go to my room, and my dad locked the door, and then was trying to step on (and destroy) my laptop. I pushed him away from my stuff, my brother started trying to restrain me. I bit his arm to try and get him to let go of me. My mom started pulling my hair, I got free enough that I grabbed my brothers hair and said that I'll let go when they let go of me. My dad started trying to choke me, I kicked his knee to knock him away from me. Mom called the cops. He wrapped his arm around my neck, I put my chin down first (something we're taught in karate - if someone tries to choke you, put your chin down) and bit him to try and get free. Got free, went and got my keys, tried to unlock my bedroom door, dad wouldn't let me. He had grabbed the lanyard on my keys and was trying to take my keys away from me. I got in my room, and they all followed me in there. Mom was on the phone with the police. I was trying to push them all out of my room, my brother started restraining me again. When the police got there, all they saw was my mom telling me to calm down, and my brother restraining me. They called for back up saying that I was "violent", and they ordered everyone out of my room and started threatening to tazer me. My parents said not to tazer because I have heart/lung problems and the cops said "we're doing it anyways". I backed up to my bed, they came into my room and tazed and arrested me.
The cops tried to get my parents to press charges, write witness statements, and take pictures of where I had bit my dad and brother. My parents refused to cooperate. They said that they didn't want me charged, and therefore, they weren't going to cooperate. The cops said that my dad was "acting like a 2 year old" because he tore the witness statement paper in half and handed it back to the cops.
I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. In the ambulance, I had one cop kneeling on each leg, right above my knees - it felt like they were going to break my legs. When I told them they were hurting me, they said "So? Learn to sit still"... I was trying to get them off of me, and freaking out. I'd already been restrained multiple times that night, and then I was strapped onto the stretcher in the ambulance, they used some extra sheets to tie me down to try and stop me from being able to move at all. They said that they wanted to do an EKG to make sure that they didn't fuck up my heart by tazering me. However, the last time I had needed an EKG done (a couple days before), they needed me to be undressed from the waste up. And I was NOT ok with them doing that in the ambulance, surrounded by about 3 male police officers, and 2 male paramedics. We were not even 5 minutes away from the hospital, I'm sure that even if they had fucked up my heart, the EKG could wait 5 minutes to get to the hospital where they could do it WITHOUT having a ton of guys in the room.
The cops said that because of that, I was being "uncooperative". One of the paramedics twisted my hand (even though I was handcuffed) to the point that I was yelling because it hurt that much. And I was told to shut up. When we got to the hospital, the doctor kept asking me what had happened, and I refused to tell her anything. I said that I would not talk about anything with the cops in the room unless I had a lawyer there. So the doctor ordered the cops to leave the room, which they really didn't like. She said that whether they like it or not, she needs to know what happened in order to be able to make sure I'm medically stable.
They did blood work, and an EKG and said that it all came back normal. They said that my heart was beating "a little too fast" and my BP was "a little too high" but that it was "understandable considering what I had been through". The doctor said that normally, they remove the barbs from the tazer by just pulling them straight out, but they tried that, and it didn't work. They had to numb my chest, restrain me, and then use a scalpel to get the barbs out. The doctor said that the police were probably too close to me when they fired the tazer, which caused the barbs to go in my chest deeper than normal, which made them hard to take out. I wasn't allowed to see or talk to my parents, which according to the cops was because "they were being uncooperative". The cops tried to force the doctors to do a psych eval on me, but the doctors said that, although angry, I seemed to be rational and level-headed. I guess that's a good thing?
Left the hospital, went to jail. They did the administrative stuff of booking, etc. They wanted me to change into the jail outfit in front of one of the male officers, and I refused. They said that if I refused, they would restrain me and they would strip me and change me themselves. I started to freak out. They called the lieutenant, who had a female officer from another city come and I had to change in front of her (which I wasn't really ok with, but was better than the male officers...)...
They asked me a whole bunch of questions for the booking. One of the questions was about dietary restrictions. I said that I need Kosher, gluten-free food, and they asked if it was physician ordered. I said the Kosher isn't, but gluten-free is, and they said "too bad, we don't have to follow it then". The next morning, the breakfast they brought me was neither Kosher nor gluten-free, so I didn't eat. The cop on duty asked why I didn't eat, and I told him why, and he said there's nothing they can do unless it's physician ordered. So I spent 2 days in jail, and just slept or read a book. I didn't eat anything, because nothing they gave me followed the dietary restrictions I have.
The first night I was there, Monday night, I was charged with one count of domestic violence towards my dad and brother. The second night I was there, Tuesday night, I was charged with one count of domestic violence towards just my brother. The judge set bail at $5000, and 10% plus court fees had to be paid in cash for me to get out. My parents were able to come up with the $555 so that I could get out. They're also paying for the lawyer, which is $2500. I was forced to sign papers agreeing to pay them back.
We met with the lawyer on Friday night. I was supposed to be home by the time the lawyer got there - at 6:30pm. However, I had to stay late at work, so I didn't get home til almost 7pm. By the time I got home, the lawyer said that he already had all of the background info that he needed from my parents. They had apparently told him their side of what happened on Monday night, and told him my entire MH background (that they know). The lawyer said that he thinks he can get the judge to write off the domestic violence charges as "family issues" and drop the charges to one count of disorderly conduct. He said that I don't seem like I'm a danger to others, but more of a danger to myself. He said that the judge is probably going to force me to sign releases for my MH records and for my MH team to be able to talk to her about anything. He said that she'll probably be looking for them to say that my "issues" are manageable in the community.
I was told that if the judge, police and prosecutor agree, then he'll try to get the charges dropped to disorderly conduct, which would mean a minor misdemeanor on my record, and probably 6-12 months probation. He said that the probation would involve me having a release on file with my MH team so that my probation officer could check to make sure that I am following all recommended treatments, etc, as well as weekly or biweekly check ins with me, and biweekly check ins with my parents. He said that if my therapist and psych think that I need to be on meds, then I will be forced on meds. I really don't want to be on meds, for a variety of reasons, whether people think I "need" them or not for my bipolar. The lawyer also said that he can most likely get the judge to waive any fines because he knows her really well and because of mine and my family's current financial situation (ie, we're broke). If anyone (police, judge or prosecutor) disagrees with the plea deal, then we go to trial for it. My dad and brother were already told that if/when it goes to trial, they will be forced to testify against me. The police have decided (between last summer with my two suicide attempts and what happened last week), that I am a danger to myself and the community, and they told me flat out that they will do as much as possible to get me locked up in jail. If it goes to trial, I'm looking at a potential 6-12 months in jail, which I'm really freaking out about.
I really just feel like I would be better off dead right now. It would be a much easier solution to this whole mess, and would solve a lot of problems for everyone - me, my parents, my brothers, the police, the community, everyone. Especially as this whole mess is completely my fault anyways.
Sorry for wasting your time if you managed to read through all of that. Not really sure what I expect from this, other than maybe to just get it out.
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
I'm really really sorry sasha, it isn't your fault at all, it was your parents, im here if you ever need to pm in chat. If they left you alone and let you go into your room none of this would of happened, they were the one being abusive, you were only protecting yourself. Please stay safe
Thanks Natasha. It wasn't their fault though. The argument started because of me, which makes it completely my fault.
Sophia, things now are... stressful. If I do or say anything they don't like, I'm told "we're not paying for the lawyer, have fun in jail". I just... every time they say that, I start panicking and freaking out about it all over again. I CAN'T go to jail.
My parents made a comment that they'd rather me be in jail than dead, and I said I'd rather be dead than in jail. They said that that proves that I should be locked up permanently in a MH hospital, and they told the lawyer that I said that (which I'm assuming is why the lawyer thinks I'm this huge danger to myself). So idk. Just stressed and freaking out. :(
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
I understand what you're saying about the argument starting because of you - but the fact is how they acted was like children and as parents they should be able to rise above arguments not make them worse.
It's unfair for them to keep holding this over your head - if they've agreed to pay the lawyer for you, then that's something they should do.
I completely disagree with them that you should be 'permanently in a MH hospital' - while there is a chance going IP could help anyone with MH problems, it in no means leads to them needing to be there forever.
Can you do anything that could make things less stressful for you right now?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
According to them, the entire thing was my fault. I was in the wrong. I started it. I could have stopped it by doing what they wanted. And it was over such a stupid thing too. *sigh*
They agreed to pay for the lawyer, and I was forced to sign papers agreeing to pay them back. $50 every month, plus they get up to 50% of my tax refunds (less tuition first), and they get 1/3 of my settlement with Walmart (whenever that happens). So it's already done and agreed to, and I have to pay them back. But that doesn't matter to them. I still have to do whatever they say, when they say it, or they won't pay. One more thing to stress over, esp as I'm never good enough for them...
My parents are very... uninformed... about mental health. They look down on it. To them, it's something to be massively ashamed of. I get in trouble if I tell anyone that I'm bipolar or have BPD. So to them, locking me up permanently is the perfect solution. It removes me from their "perfect" world where everyone is "normal"... (according to them at least)...
I'm not sure what I could do to try and lessen the stress. I've been talking to my uncle's gf a bit (she's in her last year of law school and works in the courts downtown), and she said that with what happened, they'll probably drop the charges down to disorderly conduct and I might be ordered to see a psychologist/therapist and/or a psychiatrist and be required to follow any instructions or recommended treatment from them, but jail and probation is very unlikely as it's a minor thing and it's the first time anything has happened with me. So that's reassuring, ish.
idk. Sorry, rambling.
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
I'm sorry to hear your parents are still asking you to pay the money back. It sounds like things are quite financially difficult at the moment. It's not fair of them to say that you aren't good enough for them, everyone is good enough for their parents.
It might help to try and think of things in a different way, instead of trying to be good enough for your parents and everyone around you, being good enough for yourself. Do things that YOU enjoy and that make YOU happy, you don't have to please everyone all the time and feel like you should live up to their expectations. It's your life and you have the right to live it in a way that you want to.
Is there anyway you could inform your parents more? There are so many ways parents can learn more, attending counselling together might help, directing them towards different websites, asking your therapist to talk to them or provide them with resources etc.
I'm glad your uncles girlfriend has reassured you.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
That does sound like everything is incredibly stressful right now, and I can only imagine how hard things are for you.
Hannah is right though, any child is 'good enough' for their parents. I think what would be important to change things for you would be to make decisions that make you happy. There's a saying 'You should only try to make everyone happy when you want to piss everyone off'.
I think your parents should be educated more in MH problems.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
It isn't just them asking, it's them demanding. It was "sign the papers agreeing to pay us back, or have fun in jail". It's "do what we say, or have fun in jail". It's the fact that it was my fault so why should THEY have to clean up MY mess. It's the fact that once again, I've screwed up. I wasn't exaggerating when I said that nothing is good enough for them. I could list so many examples of things that others say "good job" to, and my parents say "you should have done better". And that's been the same way my entire life. I could give examples of that going back to 1st grade (6 years old).
Umm... There is no such thing as being good enough though - for my parents or for me. There's always better, you can always do better. If it isn't perfect, it isn't good enough, and even then it still might not be good enough...
We had a family counseling session once, and my therapist wants to have a few more. So we'll see how that goes. My parents are at least open to that. But I don't know if I trust them, or my therapist, enough for that. Not after last time...
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
It sounds like home is a really tough environment to be in, and I can understand why you struggle with it.
Can you look at times when others have said 'good job' and take on their praise? I know you say that your parents say you should have done better but try to let yourself accept the praise that is given to you as well.
Nobody is perfect - it's impossible for a human to be completely perfect. It's not in human nature - everyone makes mistakes. Striving for perfection is always going to lead to disappointment. We can only ever do our best
It's good your parents are open to counselling, I think it might be helpful. Try to give it some more thought.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Woke up to being told "you're a lazy bitch who needs to learn how to get her ass out of bed on time". Had a drs appt at 7am with my pulmonologist. Left my house at 6:45am (drs is only 10min away), and my dad made the comment "you know, if you can't get your ass out of bed on time, maybe you shouldn't schedule things for at 7am". I told him "Right, because there's a huge difference between needing to be at work at 7am and needing to be at the drs at 7am", and then left.
At the drs, he changed my inhalers, again. He's upped them every time I've seen him. I don't really mind, I know why he's doing it, but they're really expensive, so changing them constantly is getting a bit pricey...
Got to work, and the kids wouldn't listen. They weren't following the rules, they weren't listening, and it seemed like every thing they did just set me off and I got pissed off. I was told by the assistant director twice to stop yelling at the kids... :/
At lunch, one of my 3 year olds got sick and threw up everywhere. All over the floor of the hallway going to the bathroom, all over herself, all over the bathroom itself. I told the assistant director, and asked for help, and she said she would come in, and then didn't. So I was stuck trying to clean up the one girl while trying not to gag/throw up myself, with my other 8 kids not listening and doing what they wanted to while I was preoccupied. The toddler teacher said that I should have had someone else come in to supervise my class while I took care of the girl who was sick. But that didn't happen. And then I got yelled at for not cleaning the bathroom. And no one cared when I said I couldn't clean it because I had to watch my other kids. Really hard to be in the bathroom cleaning it with 9 kids in the next room... but that didn't matter. I was supposed to watch my 9 kids and clean the bathroom at the same time, on my own.
The afternoon was a little bit better, but not by much. The kids were still out of control. And I was still yelling at them. Every little thing just... idk, pissed me off.
Today isn't going much better. Went to bed "early" last night (around midnight), which meant that I was up at about 3:30am. Was supposed to be at work at 7am. Left my house at about 6:20ish for work. I thought I gave myself enough time to get there. I usually leave at 6:40 and get there on time, so I doubled the time I was giving myself to get there. And I was still late. Didn't get there til 7:30. Ugh. Got in trouble for being late. Meanwhile, I lost count of the number of times that I lost control and was sliding or swerving on the highway. Roads were/are horrible. It's still snowing, and the snow is probably up to my knees by now. We already had a ton of snow, and we're supposed to be getting over a foot of snow between last night and today. It's been snowing all day. My car was completely clear this morning (we have a big push broom at my house to clear the cars with, so I completely clear it, roof, windows, hood, etc). And there's probably 3-4 inches covering it already, since I got to work at 7:30am. It's ridiculous.
Sorry, rambling.
Anywho. The kids are still out of control today. I keep being told "no" and "I don't want to" and "you're not my teacher". The assistant director walked in a little before lunch today and asked me why my room was such a mess, and I said I'd been trying to get them to clean up. And she laughed and shook her head and said "bad classroom management" and walked out. Great. REAL helpful. -_-
Andddddddddd to add to it all, therapy was cancelled tonight due to weather. I'm hoping that karate is cancelled too, because it sucks outside right now.
Sorry for rambling so much :/
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
Hey sorry you are having a hard time right now. It sound like your parents are woefully ignorant about mental illness. You are in the US right? Are your parents involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at all? They have a lot of really good resources including family-family groups and family support groups that offer up a lot of good information. All of these groups are offered free of charge. Nami Support Groups Find your local NAMI
It's great that they were open to a family session with your therapist. (Even if the session didn't go as well as you expected) I would encourage you to suggest that again and see how further sessions go. It would be beneficial to all involved if your parents can better grasp the nature of mental illness. Also I think it would be a great idea if you could come up with a plan together to prevent what happened last Monday night from happening again. Conflict resolution is an important skill to have. It's perfectly normal to have conflicts with your parents, you just need to know how to mediate and de-escalate them.
Do you allow yourself time to relax? Are there moments in the day/night where you can give yourself the freedom to breathe and not stress about work/family? I'm sure you know this but a reminder can't hurt. During times of high stress it's especially important to take care of your health, mentally physically and emotionally. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself! Stay hydrated, get exercise, spend some time out of the house if you can, eat nutritious food and try to create as positive an environment as possible given your situation.
Honestly I wouldn't worry too much about the kids at work. Children can be little shitheads at times and little angels at others! Try not to take their acting up to heart, even the best teachers at times struggle with classroom management. Children can sense stress and they will manipulate that. If you can remain levelheaded and not overreact it will help keep tensions down and they will respect you more. Yelling at them will likely not solve anything and will only escalate the situation. It's imperative that you maintain control of your emotions, at least during the times that you are at work.
that is a long story, & something that would stress me out badly, it's hard to know what to say apart from the fact that it's in the past now, I think the American law enforcers are a bit tougher than in the UK, I've been bad but never been arrested/face court, it does sound bad the way they treated you, not look at themselves.
I almost cryed by the time i read this, i'm sorry that has happened and its not good either, i've never been where you are and i can tell this must be really stressful and hard for you, i'm here if you ever want to talk, no matter how bad it gets.
15 | Depressed | Loves meeting people | Sometimes antisocial...
Sorry I didn't respond yesterday at all. Thanks for your replies though.
yourockmysocks - I am in the US. My parents are not involved with NAMI, or anything else. Their involvement with my MH goes far enough for them to say that I should permanently be in a MH hospital, paying for my therapist/psych (and meds when/if I agree to take them again) because I'm on their insurance, so their health insurance covers it. I'll look into NAMI though, thanks :)
The suggestion for a family session has already been made by everyone but me. After how last time went, I'm a bit weary of doing it again. Maybe eventually, but I don't feel comfortable with it right now. I think the problem is that once something like that starts, my dad and I both get completely out of control, and nothing really helps other than me going to my room and getting away from them, or my mom getting my dad to leave me alone, etc. But mom wasn't trying to stop it this time, and they wouldn't let me in my room.
I'm not sure I know the meaning of the word "relax" :P It feels like I'm always stressed about something - work, home, school, karate, etc. If it's not one thing, it's another. I exercise at karate twice a week, and every day for 10-11 hours at work while doing stuff with the kids. Working in a preschool definitely keeps you active lol. In general though, I go to work, then I either go to therapy/karate depending on the day, but then I go home, and I go to my room and I stay there until the next morning. I try to not be near my family, I have no friends to do things with, I have no where to go, and no money to do things with. So I hide in my room.
Yesterday was bad again. Today started off bad (woke up late, was late to work, got a flat tire on the way to work, etc), but the kids are listening today at least. It seems like the older kids in the room kind of "set the tone" for how the day will go. If the pre-k kids (4-5yr olds) aren't listening and aren't following the rules and are doing what they want, then the preschool kids (3-4yr olds) will do the same. When the older kids are doing what they're supposed to, the younger kids are easier to manage. It also helps that today only 1 of my 3 youngest (troublemaker) kids is here. One is home sick, and the other is home with his sick mom.
I've started using my phone to set timers for things. Like telling them that they have 3 minutes left until it's time to clean up, and then setting a timer, and having them all stop and listen to the timer when it goes off and then clean up. I also set a timer and have only been giving them a certain amount of time to clean up their centers. Seems to be working today at least. *shrugs*
Cpt and lj - Thanks for your replies. From what I know of the UK system, you seem to be much more lenient with a lot of things. :P What's fun is that my pulmonologist said that the cops could have killed me by firing a tazer directly at my chest. :) And they were told that and didn't care.
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
I have no words, I shall reply properly tomorrow but I read and I care ♡
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Court for this is on Monday. The lawyer said when I met with him with my parents a week ago (ish) that all we'd be doing Monday is entering a plea of "not guilty". He said that they can't start the trial, or send me back to jail, or do anything on Monday. It's just the pre-trial.
But I'm still stressed and freaking out about it.
"I need you to know, I'm not through the night. Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light."
"I don't belong here, I gotta move on, dear. Escape from this afterlife"
"Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."
