Talking about stuff is difficult.

Aubergine · 14-09-2018, 09:24 PM

I had my first work based therapy session today and it's left me feeling really raw. He asked me about all of the crap that has happened in the past regarding my mental health. It's just raked everything up. Being dragged from my house after being sectioned, being sent to a high dependency unit, being sent to Essex (I live in Somerset) because that was the closest bed in the UK. It was a Priory and bloody awful. They put a man on my 1:1 and I only had a dressing gown on that was too small and they got cross with me when I wouldn't sleep. Ended up in a 136 suite, being transferred in that awful transport, not being allowed out, lack of freedom, feeling deceived, ambulances, police cars, being in hysterics, the absolute feeling of terror. So now I'm here, dealing with it, and it's hard. Really, really hard. I just... Ugh. You know? It's horrible.

nonperson · 15-09-2018, 12:51 PM

Hope you're feeling better today.

It is horrible having to bring things up from the past that you really don't want to, but I suppose they need some background to make the therapy as useful as possible for you.

(Also, slightly randomly, I think my hometown is pretty much where that Priory is).

one_step_closer · 15-09-2018, 03:00 PM

I hope that it gets easier to talk through things with time. I can understand why talking about things in the past can be traumatic and distressing. Maybe after this you will be able to focus more on what is going on for you now when you talk with the therapist because they will have the background info. Do you have things that make you feel even a little better when you're distressed after bringing up the past? It would be good if you could think of some things that you could do after your sessions to avoid too much continued rumination and pain.

I'm sorry so many awful things have happened to you. You are more than that though, you are now.

I hope you're doing ok today.

Aubergine · 26-09-2018, 09:44 PM

I'm sure I've posted about this before, but here goes again...

I find the memories of what I've done/has been done to me in the past really, really difficult to manage sometimes. I don't mean childhood trauma or sexual violence etc, there's thankfully been none of that, but stuff to do with my mental health.

I was in hospital on a section recently and, though it wasn't the most traumatic admission I've ever had, it still involved police and a 136 suite and secure transport etc. Memories of that are plaguing me in dreams and I'll get sudden intense memories during the day, especially if I'm not occupied. How do I deal with them?

I see a police officer and it makes me wary. I cannot remember the ones who took me away and they are in the hospital sometimes (we had them appear at the pharmacy the other day) and it just unsettles me a great deal. Not because I think they're going to do anything bad, more because they represent difficult times in my life.

I see ambulance staff or have to go down to ED to get a prescription changed at work (alllllll the time) and it brings back memories. There is no avoiding it, because I can't avoid doing my job. I mean, staff are really professional. An ED consultant who's treated me for self-harm in the past and who dealt with me when I was having bad stomach issues/extreme anxiety gave me a hug the other day and we had a joke. He treated me as a colleague that he was pleased to see after a while rather than a mental patient. Everyone is similar. Two nurses on ambulatory really look out for me. It's not a big hospital, and we work really closely with A&E and ambulatory care, so we all know each other. It just happens to be that those from the trust I work the most closely with are the ones that have seen me at my absolute worst.

Also, a member of staff from one of the wards I was on collects medication for a family member from us. It's difficult seeing them, because it brings back memories, even though they were a really decent nurse. I spoke to them just before I was leaving the ward and said I was worried about seeing them in my professional capacity. They said that when I've got my badge on and am at work, we are colleagues and nothing else. I was worried that they would think that I wasn't competent to dispense the drug, but they said that they've walked past me at work when I've been counselling other patients on their medicines and they have no doubts.

I see staff from the ward and crisis/HTT in passing quite frequently, because the ward is in the same grounds at the hospital I work in. Ward staff take patients on escorted leave and the crisis team/HTT and psych liaison see people in ED, so they're often walking down the corridor. I don't mind seeing them, they're all kind people, but it is just hard. It reminds me of what I did and what they did and how I was. How I felt. I'll have a sudden surge of feelings and it makes me want to vomit.

I guess all of this is so difficult because things are still a bit raw. I'm trying not to dwell in the past, but the reality is that 7 weeks ago I was still an inpatient. That's not long to get over this stuff, is it? I don't know. I should talk about it with my CC, but then I'll get upset and I much prefer to just pretend that everything's OK. It's easier.

I don't know. I think the crux of this whole thing, is that every time I'm reminded of something I did, I just remember how much of a dick I am/have been. It makes me feel a bit ****.

Aubergine · 26-09-2018, 10:04 PM

And actually when the **** will I learn to STOP IT? I don't even know what happened this time. Intense external stress leading to me being a complete ****ing ****. Behaving extremely out of character, apparently. I don't know. It was all a mess. CC said I wasn't in control, that I have a condition that I will probably have for the rest of my life and that will involve 'wobbles.' Yes. Wobbles. Well, I don't want to be 75 and still be on the merry-go-round.

Trying all I can to get my **** in order. Spiritual life (I am a Christian), family life, medication, engaging with support etc. It's HARD, isn't it? I'm really doing alright at the moment, but: It. Is. Hard.

Aubergine · 26-09-2018, 10:20 PM

Sorry. I realised I had a recent post about similar, so merged them.

Auror. · 28-09-2018, 12:40 AM

I don't think there is any set time frame on when things should get easier or when you should not feel how you do, and I don't think it's linear either. Getting some distance time wise can sometimes help, but some days it doesn't. Nothing with feelings or trauma is linear. Your feelings and fears are valid, and I hope things can ease in intensity for you soon. It IS hard to manage everything, and you do so very well and you work hard to stay as well as you can. Do you have people you can talk to about stuff? Like if you can't bring it up directly to your CC is there someone else you can bring it up to, or can you bring it up in an indirect way so she is at least aware of things being difficult in that regards? I know I tend to have sort of... code words or phrases I use for things that make it slightly easier that my therapist knows about, and she will also often use them when talking to me too. It makes it easier.

<3

sherlock holmes · 17-10-2018, 04:22 PM

Sorry you have had such tough experiences. As a side note, I live fairly close to the priory in Essex and could have come and visited you if I'd known you were in there.

Trauma from hospital experiences does fade over time. My most recent hospitalisation was after an operation, but it was incredibly traumatic at the time and for a while after so many things triggered memories and I struggled hugely. It's been 5 months and I've started to heal and not feel so raw and upset about it. I know it sounds cheesy but time is a great healer. Keep talking about it because that helps you to process it.