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Old 12-02-2016, 06:37 AM   #1
DustCrimson36
 
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Feeling desperate and invisible

I've been slipping slowly into a depressive episode over the last couple of weeks and I'm really struggling now.

I feel invisible. I've tried to indicate to a couple of people that something was wrong & I needed support and either they didn't take me seriously or didn't know what I meant or who knows.

I'm also really guilty of trying to downplay everything and project a vibe that everything's normal because I'm so terrified I'll be judged and even though I know intellectually that some of these people are safe I can't shake the feeling that if I really open up I'll lose my tentative hold on reality.

It's gotten so bad that I posted a support thread yesterday and decided that since I got no replies the whole internet must hate me. I know it's not rational and I can't stop feeling it.

I've been having strong suicidal ideation and fantasies of self harm.

I'm so damn tired of this cycle.

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Old 12-02-2016, 10:06 AM   #2
Zurg
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I get the feeling of being invisible. The thing about depression is that it makes you feel all alone even when you're surrounded by people. And that's possibly one of the worst kinds of loneliness.

Do you have any professional support???? Would a visit to a doctor be an option??? I think it's best to nip these things in the bud, so to speak, so the sooner you ask for help the better.

The reason people seem withdrawn is probably because they don't know how to help and then they get scared of making it worse. If you can i think it would be good if you tell them what you need from them. Sometimes we need someone to listen, somtimes we need a hug or for someone to just sit with us. If you can communicate what you need i think you'll find that people will want to help you. It's just that sometimes when we don't know how exactly to be helpful we tend to withdraw.

If the thoughts about suicide or self harm become too much do you have anyone you can call??? Even if it is just a helpline????? I think you'll find some relief in opening up to someone about it. Or you can come here and post about it. The boards can be slow though and someone might not reply right away so i think a back up plan would come in handy.

I hope this was just a wee bit helpful. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and not invisible however much it may feel like it.

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Old 12-02-2016, 06:24 PM   #3
Amaranth
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I can identify with how you're feeling. I hope things get better for you soon.

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Old 17-02-2016, 12:35 AM   #4
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Thank you both. It really is an obnoxious kind of loneliness.

I don't have professional support right now. My insurance provider has changed and I'm struggling to navigate the new system. I was on the old one when I was diagnosed and for a decade after, but now there's a whole messed up system of referrals and intake appointments and I've been blocked by a GP who thinks I need to let my new hormonal birth control work into my system for a couple months before I get a referral. I don't like the idea of having to wait so long.

I don't even know if I know what I need. It's better when people are around but aside from that there's not really anything they can do. I don't know how to say that without it sounding insane.

I texted a crisis line recently and just wound up feeling paranoid that they were going to call the cops on me. I've been told for years that I'm not supposed to admit to suicidal ideation in real life because they'll lock me up interminably even if I'm not even actively suicidal.

If they took me away from my family when I'm feeling bad but still functioning I think that would send me right over the edge.
But it sure feels isolating to be leaving out the scariest details just to avoid being taken away from my family.

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Old 20-02-2016, 02:56 PM   #5
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Are there any local mh charities you could contact?




Humility over, I am amazing.

Fight for your dreams and your dreams will fight for you.


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Old 22-02-2016, 11:33 PM   #6
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I don't know of any, though that doesn't mean there aren't any. I'd feel guilty using them anyway since I have insurance and in theory should have support...

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Old 23-02-2016, 01:12 AM   #7
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Hey, I'm sorry things feel so downhill at the moment and that so few options are seeming feasible. It sort of adds insult to injury when we finally get to the point where we are ready to seek out help, and then can't access it. Super frustrating.

Where have you heard that admitting suicidal ideation will automatically get you involuntarily admitted to a hospital? Do you think those sources are really knowledgable? What evidence is there that they might not be correct?... I know that when I'm depressed I tend to latch on to scary predictions without really checking to see if they are likely or not. It can help me to do a bit of research and get some other opinions. For example, suicidal ideation is often conceived of as a spectrum, with vague "maybe it would be nice to not exist" thoughts at the lowest level of risk and a defined, lethal plan on the other end at the highest level of risk. Typically hospitalization requires someone to be an imminent threat to themselves... most of the low and medium levels of suicidal ideation wouldn't fit the criteria.

It sounds like not only are you really worried about other people judging you harshly, but that you are also judging yourself pretty harshly too. And that isn't particularly unusual in depression and anxiety, but it can lead to feeling even worse. Sometimes it can be helpful to take a step back and pretend everything you're experiencing is happening to a really close friend. If someone you loved was going through this, what would you be thinking? What would you encourage them to do?




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Old 23-02-2016, 06:34 AM   #8
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Thanks so much, your message was really validating and I appreciated it.

I don't know much about hospitalization, admittedly. My partner was involuntarily admitted at one time before we were together and has always cautioned me to be careful; I'm not sure that experience would necessarily translate in my case but it's a spooky prospect. I definitely feel like I'm a low level of suicidal ideation - it's kind of like an annoying pop up in my brain of "maybe you could die and it would be over" that I can clear but still leaves me feeling awful. & plagued with guilt. The urges to self-harm are much stronger, more visceral.

I did manage to explain some of my frustration to a friend tonight, as the pill that's likely exacerbating my problem was prescribed for a physical condition that is NOT improving and I'm getting extremely upset. Today was very bad on that front and I just kind of boiled over. I mentioned that it's having an impact on my mental health as well and she was supportive/sympathetic. I'm reaching out again to my GP and got a recommendation for a second opinion that wouldn't be in my insurance but would be affordable based on my student status. You're right, I would take it seriously if she told me these things about herself, so I'm trying to give myself a little more forgiveness.

I'm feeling exhausted and very low, but ultimately I think I did okay for today just by reaching out.

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Old 24-02-2016, 12:46 AM   #9
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I agree, in fact, I think you did great by reaching out. Making connections with other people matters more than we tend to think. My dad especially is always reminding me that I need to get out of the house when I'm at home and not just stay in with my parents and the dogs the whole time. It is sort of annoying, but he is right.




this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.

The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.



PM me anytime, I love getting messages :)
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Old 26-02-2016, 07:13 AM   #10
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Feeling like I'm losing my mind.

Monday was good because I reached out to a friend and could process afterwards alone and fall asleep. Tuesday was good because I had an even deeper and longer conversation with another friend and felt really connected and fulfilled by another adult for the first time in a long while.

& then two nights of being alone and even though intellectually I know I just need to make it through the night and I'll feel a little less alone in the morning, I feel darkness closing in.

I have an excellent support system prior to about 9pm, and then I come unglued and don't know how to find help. The worst part is that I don't feel like I deserve the help. I also don't want to text the crisis line and take away from someone who could need it more. I just feel so empty and isolated at night.

ETA: I just realized part of my increasing despair tonight is that I just finished reading The Virgin Suicides, which I started when I was feeling okay and decided for some reason I should finish tonight. Reading is normally a really good distraction tool for me but maybe I should have thought harder about the subject matter. Good job self.


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Old 02-03-2016, 07:42 AM   #11
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Swinging wildly back and forth between feeling stable and feeling unsafe. Sometimes within the hour. Staring at the knives a lot.

I keep hearing about grounding techniques on this board. Can some of you share yours?

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Old 03-03-2016, 09:47 AM   #12
Juella
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Well, I might share some techniques that helped me when I got overly entangled in unsafe thoughts and urges and/or dissociated.
The trick is to focus on things that are real and outside of you, instead of things happening inside of your mind, so it's best to employ all of your senses. I like to put on my favourite music and listen to it. Sometime I go outside or just come up to the window and look outside, carefully noticing what is in the street: trees, houses, cars, watching people passing by, what they are wearing, where they might be going. It also helps me to walk around the room and touch different surfaces, noting how they feel to touch. It also helps me to have a snack and a hot or cold drink and really savour it. Out of the more complicated, but effective techniques, my favourite is finding a random quiz on the Web and answer it. Answering the questions about yourself really helps to get back in touch with yourself and your reality, and distracts from unsafe thoughts. Sometimes it also helps to take a piece of paper (or open a text document) and start writing down all that happens around you - a detailed description of the room you're in, for example. It might work if you're write a detailed retelling of what your day was like so far (unless something triggering happened, in which case that might not be a good idea). If you like the feeling of the water, it might help to have a hot/cool (whichever you feel more up to) shower.
When none of these seem to be an option, there are also more simple technique, that can be used at any time and in any situation. I would just take note of every little thing happening around me and try to phrase a description of it in my mind. Where am I? What objects are around me? What they look like? What sounds do I hear? What the lighting is like? etc.

Hope some of these will be at least a tidbit helpful.

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